Atp, I’ve lost track of how many times the goal post has moved. And after twin sent me another video, that I refuse to watch, on schizophrenic psychosis…I’m actively opting out of counting. She claims the video helped her “get a better understanding of what (I’m) going through”. But this is clearly just another attempt at avoiding accountability, after catching herself up…in her own lie. So instead of using this as an opportunity to acknowledge her emotional terrorism…she’s engaging in more psychological warfare…to cover it up. I responded by calling her “delusional”…and went to the group chat to reiterate how reckless their behavior has been…in response to me…responding to them. Then, silence reentered the chat…and I haven’t had the energy to disturb it. Because negotiating with narcissists…is neurotic.

People will literally play in my face…just to get attention…that I’m not giving them. Tragic. A few weeks ago, I had a family dawg chase me down…just to try and piss on my leg…and tell me it was raining. I was inches away from getting caught…up…until I found out my attention was only being sought out, because this dawg wanted me to know…he’s now locked himself inside the cage of commitment. So I took the L(esson) and moved around. But the expectation was for me to be embarrassed, that I almost dropped my guard enough to get wet. Because this L…was supposed to be a shaded lick back. And shame would’ve been my natural reaction…if my intentions weren’t pure. Now..I’m trying to figure out why this point needed to be proven if…

I just started trying to be a good person, within the last couple years. Before then…I pretended to be one…to avoid being held accountable. This led to a deep distrust of others because…I assumed everyone was cosplaying a commendable character. After I transitioned, I introspected. And learned that I never revealed who I really was…until I was offended. My logic told me to use this approach…with people who are hard to read. Because the pressure that comes with the kind of offense I’m capable of…only ever brings out what’s within you. Narcissists are fixated with facades though. Which allows them to build fantasies around their true form. So curating crash outs…to release the them that they hold hostage, behind their representative…is key.

Counterpart competition…between men…isn’t talked about enough. Especially since that competition…has led to a loose lip epidemic. I call these men run it backs. Because they run back and tell their boys everything. I noticed this breed always has one quality in common: a need to fit in. So they go out their way to obtain bragging rights for the public. But in private…they project their faults onto whatever woman they’re using, in their ick measuring contests. IMO, men who need so much same sex validation…were usually raised by feminine fathers…or masculine mothers. And they act accordingly when seeking out social acceptance in the eyes of their peers. Which wouldn’t be an issue…if running through women, in order to give the appearance of mAnHoOd…and then gossip gworling those runs…wasn’t what’s socially acceptable.

I was possessed by pettiness. I created another chat, with just my immediates, to talk about the triggers from last week. I gained nothing and got gaslit. I re-entered the old chat to have the same conversation I’ve been having for the last 6 years. I gained even less…and lost my desire to write a real post today. Screenshots below.

The recent corno, shot in the chat, was still irritating me. So I shadow worked and saw that my sibling soul irritation…comes from them intentionally ignoring…our sh!t show. Choosing to talk about everything but our problems… is provocative. Because that’s why I started the chat. They were taught this type of deflection from a lifetime of observing our BM’s inability to communicate her feelings. Which has always been my manic button. The rinse and repeat is meant to (re)traumatize me, by mimicking the maternal neglect I experienced in childhood…when my BM failed to take me for treatment…for the same same disorder she’s currently conditioning my siblings to weaponize against me…in order to stop another conversation…that could’ve led to healing.

I felt guided to look through some of my older blog posts earlier. After the initial shock at how many yards I ran away from comma usage…I realized I owe someone the kind of apology…that’ll never reverse the damage that was done…with the words in my repeat run-ons. Back then I had no way of knowing that the selfishness of my sentences would put me in position, to have a clearer view of his defense…mechanisms. But I should’ve known this was the predetermined play, being set up by God. Because the hatefulness of his…mirrored the maliciousness of mine. Which revealed the me behind the mask, that no one was able to get me to see…before him.

Taking time to pour praise into my psyche has been a non negotiable. Because everyone I’m connected to energetically…just dedicated their time to taking turns…attempting to drain tf out of me. I went out of my way not to Goof Troop in the chat. But the full moon still brings out my frequency feens. So when my twin randomly text, the day of, I role played. (SSs below) I took the opportunity to transmute lingering trauma…and moved around. The next day, after failing to reach my recklessness…I was given some post dated ‘familial’ news…that they knew would f*ck with me. It didn’t…I addressed it…and mocked the mOmS. Instead of taking the L…another attempt at agitation was made today. Now, I’m trying to figure out which doctor I can see…to cast out the sacrifice symptoms they intentionally induce…every moon cycle.

There’s a lot of people, once labeled crazy for believing in things that weren’t socially acceptable, who are now being vindicated…by the same people who gave them that label. Alleged alien sightings are the best example of this. Because no one with a nOrMaL set of eyes, would ever publicly claim to have seen beings…that we were all brainwashed into believing don’t exist. But now, our government is on the brink of debunking the narrative of non-existence…that they helped create. Which leaves someone like me, with the clear understanding on my paranormal gift, wondering when everyone will stop pretending…that the spiritually gifted aren’t intentionally being misdiagnosed as mentally ill…by those who benefit from not being exposed…by those who possess the ability to see the satanic nature of souls…hiding behind sanctity.

My refusal to heal…encouraged me to hurt…other people. This refusal was a result of being too numb to feel the hurt I was causing myself. So I projected that hurt onto others…in an attempt to witness my own pain…being felt. As a form of volatile validation. When I do this…I refer to it as projectile vomiting. Because I spray all the sh!t inside of me…onto whoever I’m closest to. Which is why I’ve been using journaling as a crutch for so long. It’s allowed me to Burn Book my way through all the emotions…that I haven’t actually wanted to feel. But the longer I disconnect from this therapeutic process, that I turned toxic, the less desire I have to displace my demons…onto anyone else. And now it’s forcing me to feel the accountability that was hidden behind the emotions…that I’ve been writing off…as someone else’s problem.

My emotions have been arrogant asf lately. Because they know I’m feeling them….more than I used to. Finding my way through what’s real/imagined is harder to do, when comprehending them seems outside of my reach. So falling back from writing, everyday, is making it easier to stick beside em’. The sporadic silence I’ve been sitting in, brings me back to the understanding that my healing will take a lifetime. It’s also validating that the pressure that’s been inflicted on my psyche these past handful of years, was intentionally done…to induce stress related hallucinations. Which is the same psyop technique used on me since childhood…that led to my diagnosis. Disconnecting from that stress heals me. But the more I heal…the more I mysteriously aTTrAcT stressors.

I feel like I’m finally growing. Because the time frame from when I experience emotional exhaustion…to when I source its spiritual meaning…has shortened. And after deciding to quit this project again yesterday, it took less than a day to realize…that my soul was tired. When I first started, I didn’t fully understand how important self-preservation was. Then…I manifested monitoring spirits, whose quality of life…seem dependent on the deconstruction of mine. Saying that out loud used to make me feel deserving of my diagnosis. So I chose to lid my lunacy. But my refusal to acknowledge what I was experiencing was draining my desire to write. Which is why I’m deciding to temper my typing…for the days I feel like writing.