I’m a fan of retaliation…when it’s done right. IMO, strategy is the only non negotiable. Which is why I’ve never successfully licked anyone back…when I intentionally try to. Because when I’m in my feelings…I move with the kind of emotions…that can easily be used against me. But when I sit with any given offense, long enough to figure out why I’m offended, my spirit intuitively puts me in the perfect position…to return the favor. And it usually happens in a way that’s oblivious to my conscious mind…but overtly obvious to the targets. Unfortunately, the ones who get hit…don’t always have the amount of patience it can take…to run a route like this. So they force fumble their way into revealing…their Inner G(oofies).

‘Everybody must be judged’. Some try to get around the gavel…by way of evidence tampering though. This can defer sentences in the 3D, but it’s an impossibility in the 5D (spiritual). Because God searches hearts for intent. And I’ve been able to avoid dozens of death (sacrifice) sentences, solely based on what He sees…when He adjudicates over the aftermath of my released rage. Earlier today, I witnessed something that almost led to another near death experience. It involved some boomeranged karma, from all the damage I’ve caused…misleading people who’ve trusted me. But I acknowledged my wrongs…right before I almost made the mistake of manifesting more mania. So He gave me a plea deal.

I’ve been told to get on medication more times than I’m comfortable admitting. Self-medication always appealed to me more though. And crying is my drug of choice, when I’m experiencing too many emotions at once. The stream of tears personifies all the pressure I feel, and allows me to acknowledge that it isn’t just a figment of my imagination. But sometimes…I prefer the stimulating version of this depressant. This is when I start craving cocoa-cane. Our history suggests this habit isn’t good for me. Because I usually end up desiring it daily. So I’m fighting temptation…until I learn to exhibit self-control. Which has been hard. Since the stress that chocolate relieves…also induces the type of release…that makes my eyes water.

Reparenting my parents wasn’t the life I saw for myself growing up. But…my grandmother’s daughter has a (diagnosed) bipolar maternal figure….soooo. We had to have another reparenting session last week. Because she had an issue with my niece playing in her makeup. She chose to delay her frustration, until my niece inevitably got some on her dress though. Then, everything went left. I was triggered by childhood memories of my own inability to locate her logic…when she played house with the pin cushions she birthed. So I patronized her while pointing out how her inability to set boundaries…forces her to find other reasons to express anger…when someone crosses the boundary…that she never set. Just like how her mom used to do her.

Ion fight fair when I deal with someone I’ve dropped my guards for. Because all my weaknesses have already been exposed. Which is exactly why an ex ‘someone’ wants to lay me out right now…real bad. Normally I’d blindside him with Bolo teas, just to remind him who he’s not f*cking with. But atp, I realize his fade fixation…is so he can justify the emotional abuse…that he was already wanting to follow through with. This mutually abusive behavior was our norm. And we used it to distract us from acknowledging that this season should’ve ended…last year. So instead of giving him a fight that’ll keep our energies engaged…I’m choosing to spend my time figuring out why I entertained this entanglement for so long.

My unhealed trauma earns all my karmic debt. Because that trauma blurs my perception to the point that it convinces me…my toxicity towards others is justified. It also allows me to take offense to everything, in order to validate my victimhood…and avoid accountability. So, I mANiFeSt like minded energies. This helps me plausibly deny my involvement in shifting blame…because their behavior is never not as bad as mine. These unions technically qualify as fraud because they’re completely codependent on borrowing from benefits of the doubt. But the word of neither partner, can fully be trusted. And our inability to stop crossing each other’s limits…always leaves us owing more forgiveness…than we can afford to give out.

What’s frustrating is the fact that there will never be a shortage of these basic benches. Since most of them substitute self-esteem…for male validation. And they’ll change everything about themselves…to fit the mold of a man’s preference. Even when this man’s behavior constantly reminds them, it was pointless to alter their ‘before’…because he still finds no real value in their ‘after’. But all the work that went into getting played, forms a trauma bond…that’s usually never broken. Which forces the spares to sit back and wait for any opportunity to be used. This is the type of soul tie that I pray never finds me…again. Because these souls are tied to the belief that their patience…will eventually change the game.

I’ve dealt with a few twin flames and a few soul mates. It’s always the same two energies on either side though. So, I basically attract two love types…with two different spirits…that jump bodies. By the time their expiration dates arrive…I’ve lost all interest in downplaying my ability to parlay with psychosis. This…has never not led to me doing something I can’t come back from. Because…I usually owe them that. Which is where I’m at now but I chose to be intentional with this set. I did this by pairing my reaction with their level of importance. And my actions reflected that I can live without my heart (twin flame)…because it only affects my physical reality. But living without my soul would alter my entire existence.

I'm an open book…now…even when it doesn’t serve me. Because I never know which one of my words will relieve the pressure put on me…to keep my emotions bottled up. Most of what I say is meant to induce introspection. But my ability to dissect my own dysfunction is usually seen as rage bait, to people who aren’t ready to acknowledge that my truth…exposes theirs. Instead of healing the wounds behind the walls they put up, they get hooked on humbling me. And it took me a while to figure out that they use this obsession to distract themselves…from how small I make them feel. Which makes sense. Since my diagnosis suggests I shouldn’t have the mental capacity…to invoke feelings of inferiority within them.

My mental maturity only makes sense…when I’m not experiencing situations where my immaturity makes more. And for the last couple weeks…I’ve been tempted to toddler. This temptation was coming from a connection that tried to enforce a level of flexibility on me…that I’ll never be comfortable with. So I’ve been avoiding addressing the issue because…I’m tired of tumbling. The back and forth usually forces me to “hard rock” my way through conversations. Instead of showing up as the polished “gem” that my life’s pressure already cultivated. Which was the underlying issue. Because the longer I engaged this energy…the harder it felt I had to become.

Being a productive member of society is important to me. So…I go out my way to volunteer my opinion as often as possible. Because my intrusive advice is usually the first experience most have…with someone who disrespectfully digs into their soul’s soil…in order to raise it to the perfect position…to be catapulted towards its desired path. And even though no one asks me what I think about their situation…ever…I still feel morally obligated to pour in my input. Which is why this blog is so therapeutic for me. I get to write about my mind altering experiences…in ways that subliminally shows the readers of my words…how to course correct. Is this my ego tal—-I’m not taking any questions today.

I don’t like the idea of teaching children to respect disrespectful adults. So I encourage emotional equality. My niece is innately respectful. But her freedom of expression has one of her passive aggressive teachers, bothered asf right now. And the feedback forced me to jump the chain of command and reach out directly. My call was ignored. Which led to some texts being sent, that were forwarded to the principal…and addressed with my little sister. I almost felt like the mentally unhinged one…for attempting to address a grown child’s attempts at bullying an actual child into submission. Until the urge to buy my niece a gift…for learning early to disturb demons, took over. Then, I understood that I’ll never have the right mindset for motherhood.

I still have a habit of making people believe they’re more important to me, than they actually are. Most of my behavior is genuine, because I like to feel the fullness of any emotion I have for someone. The embellished parts come from a need to overcompensate…for confidence that I sense the other soul may be lacking. So, I lightly love bomb…to blow up egos that appear deflated. Which worked for me. Until I started noticing how toxic this approach is, for the other person, when I walk away. Because my refusal to detonate when we detach, can lead to obsessive behavior…in people who crave a conclusion of crash outs…to substantiate the value of the connection. But…I’ve never met anyone worth pushing that button for.

People who can’t be happy for someone else receiving what they never had…irritate me. In most situations…this trait is inherited from ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda’ parental figures. And their frustration from never reaching a fullness of potential…leads to seed sabotage. So poor examples are set, guidance is withheld, and bad behavior is encouraged. This is a form of mental magick…because it casts illusions over the perception of those too innocent to know any better. Some parents are genuinely lost souls, who don’t realize the toxic pathologies they’re projecting onto their offspring. But others purposely curse consciouses. Because their egos can’t see a world, where their descendants accomplish what they couldn’t.

Who I like…changes conversations. Because I can experience the same toxicity from two different people, and intentionally interpret it completely different…depending on how I feel about them. If I like you…I give grace. If I don’t…I give grief. I used to think this bias benefited me in my relationships. But it was actually setting me up to be door matted. My natural instinct, with dislikeables, is to wave my red flags around…with hopes of deading any possibility of forward movement. The opposite is true for the bull sh*tters that I ground myself for though. I always end up employing an endless amount of excuses for their reds. Until my true nature takes over…and pineal piercings become my only option.

I had a boy toy that I used to enjoy playing with. He took my mind off of adulting and…I needed that. Under normal circumstances…my toy collection remains private. But the mindset of his previous owner…resembles the antique doll Gabby Gabby, from Toy Story 4. And her need to be loved, by anyone but self, birthed an inability to let go of him…and anyone he’s attached to. Ion even have this toy anymore…but she’s still fixated on feeling seen by me. Which means her obsession was never with the toy I had. It was with getting my attention. Even though she was rehoemed by a soul that mirrors hers…and comes with more toys than the one she lost.

I can’t figure out how I identify as an imposter…but still find time to think so highly of myself. Displaying the depths of my self-love always seems to attract crab cakes. So I think I learned to play coy, to curb bottom feeder behavior. But…that mindset doesn’t inspire my inner child. It diminishes the innate desire we have to show up authentically and…ew. Now, my resistance has me working towards merging my mentalities, in a way that gives muse…instead of meek. And this inner work is producing organic streams of unwavering self-confidence. Broadcasting it is my new form of entertainment. Because it causes towers to fall in the minds of diss jockeys...who tried gaslighting me into emitting radio silence.

I don’t get any pleasure from pretending to like politics. But lately I’ve been drawn to it. Because it’s mirroring the spiritual experience that I’ve been having with my ‘family’. The optics make me feel like there’s an energetic shift happening. Which is increasing power in those who’ve been forced to play humble…and depleting it in those who actively abuse it. Abuse that usually goes unchecked, until those who’re rarely held accountable for their inconsideration…are trapped inside the receiving end of it. And it will always, only, ever require that one…to set records ‘Strait’ with the action…of shutting sh*t down. Moments like this feel like Divine Intervention, meant to remind the prideful…that no one is bigger than the program.

I commit to my commitments because…I take commitment seriously. I’ve been given a lot of reasons to release the idea that reciprocation will always be received. And I’d probably let go…if I wasn’t so dedicated to my delusion. Atp, my only loyalty is to myself. So the bar of doubt is being set by couples, who showcase how flaky their connection is. In these toxic tethers, the energy that the masculines embody…give bachelor. But the ring on the fingers of their trophies suggest vows, bound by fidelity, have been made. What’s wild is how this hypocrisy is silently encouraged in our culture. Instead of being openly condemned. Strictly off the strength of the old adage, that a man’s word…is all he has.

I needed a minute. I’ve gotten good at transmuting my ‘familial’ toxicity. But too much of it, all at once, requires me to rabbit hole…until I get dug out. I figured a crash out was on its way to me. Because I could feel the lore of my mania, seducing me with its forbiddenness. And as much as I enjoy the chaos we create…I always start self-sabotaging whenever I give in. Which eventually leads to me quitting on people, places and projects. So disconnecting from virtual reality was needed…to make sense of my actual presence. Fortunately, my absence was intentionally reflected back to me…by someone whose energy I’ve developed an addiction to. Which forced me to feel every inch…of the consequences that come with ghosting my goals.