“I like looking at art more than I like looking at people. My favorite artist is Banksy because the art is allowed to speak for itself…with no desire from its creator, to be in the frame. Girl with Balloon is my favorite piece because it highlights how handheld love is meant to be experienced…instead of possessed. But the youthfulness of the little girl makes that hard to accept. Because the depicted detachment feels like a loss of innocence. It’s a reminder that every child is mandated to experience this…as a rite of passage into the rEaL wOrLd. And we grow up reliving this loss, as a way for God to cement that self-love…is the only love we get to keep.”

“Ungrateful grace receivers irritate my whole soul. Atp, retaliation feels childish. But dealing with double downers…requires the type of maturity I don’t have yet. This level of astronomical audacity usually comes from people who think they can’t be checked…because they surround themselves with people who need them. Which breeds an oversized ego…that hides behind inconspicuous insults…intended to make everyone else feel as insecure as they do. And instead of healing whatever hurt them, they walk around top heavy. Because the persona they portray…had them forget to put in the leg work…to actually become who they pretend to be.”

“Making excuses used to be my hobby. If I offended someone…I excused it by figuring out how they earned the offense. If I acted out of character…I excused it by blaming my behavior on the script my ‘diagnosis’ forced me to read from. But I started noticing that staying on that frequency…kept me in conversation with people that I had to make excuses for. My ability to push buttons is how I attracted their communication style. And the only way I could hear the guidance God was giving me, through them, was by releasing my ego’s need to play victim. I complained, a lot, about how I wAs bEiNg tReATeD…until I understood how necessary they were for my growth. Because if I never had to deal with my reflection…I never would’ve changed how I show up.”

“I’m a feather fanatic…so I pick up a lot of the ones that find me. Most of my collection came from the nature trails I walk and today I found a small one, with a pattern I’ve never seen before. But when I went to throw away the trash I found next to it…it was gone. It took some minutes to talk my tears out of live streaming my emotions…but I got over it after I found the lesson. I was born with the pre-existing condition of chaining myself to things that make me happy. So I was being taught not to covet what can’t exit with me. And a minute after the acceptance set in…I found a bigger feather with a prettier design than the one I lost. Which reinforced my belief that God gives me more to hold on to…when I let go of my fixation with caging it.”

“I’m convinced that my brain was intentionally washed…so that I’d forget about my connection to the unseen. And I’m 95.79% positive that I was misdiagnosed with bipolarism…as a way to explain away my ability to know what I’m not supposed to. I noticed a while ago that the better I become at quieting the chaos of my mANiA…the louder my intuition gets. So alchemizing my energy is all I’ve been focused on. Because I’m real nosey…and this gives me access to my sixth sense sight. Recently, step and repeat rage bait has been sent in to get the over reactions that I used to give…before I became an alchey. But now that I know all the angles they want to hit, I’m using these triggers as predictive programming practice…to target my future trauma responses.”

“I watched a YT short of twins that made me cry today. They were looking in the mirror and laughing about how weird it is to share a face. And my memory remembered when me and my wombmate had the same reaction, after doing the same thing. My tears dried up after recalling our chat conversation from yesterday though. Because she acknowledged, by not acknowledging, that I’m right about a familial trauma response that’s still being used…after I gave receipts. But before we got there…her first reaction was to box my thought process into a mANiC episode. Which proved that their default diagnosis dependency…is still being used…when they don’t want to admit…that what I say I see when I look at them…is their actual reflection.”

“I’m obsessed with getting guidance…from God. But my love for overthinking…forced me to learn how to let it find me. I usually get His direction through signs, that my discernment decodes. And lately, I’ve been questioning whether I’m going the right way with this project. Because the thoughts I share are…different. Earlier today, I got my answer after I crossed paths with someone in an outfit so unbelievably out of place for the environment I was in…that it felt staged. This let me know that showing up as myself, in a space where most people try to blend in, is the only direction I can go…that won’t make Him blow the whistle. So continuing to be me…is keeping me in alignment with my assignment.”

“Illogical conditioning makes it hard to distinguish between when I’m experiencing symptoms of my ‘disorder’ vs when I’m just having an outer body reaction to stress. Earlier I had the option to irrationally react to another time wasting trigger from my sister…and my logic eventually chose ration. But only after it forced me to acknowledge that the behavior I engaged in with someone else today…earned the low vibrations she gave me tonight. Bipolarly speaking…their triggers are energetic transference attempts, meant to leave me feeling drained of energy that’s needed…to keep me in control of my own mind. So the more accountability I possess…the less possessed I’ll feel…in stressful situations that I summoned.”

“Last week a Derrick Branch YT video was in my recommendeds and…I’m still triggered. It’s a 25:31 breakdown of TikTok rants from a girl who sounds like she’s experiencing psychosis. She says she’s talking to a married celebrity couple via socials but…all their communication is coded. At first I empathized because……………..I know how looks can be deceiving when mEnTaL iLLneSs is involved. But the more she talked, the more it felt like her only issue…is her ego. Because she started out on her purpose…but lost sight of it when she got curved. I wanted to comment that the internet is just a mirage, that can make you mentally ill if you take it too seriously but…I’m too busy trying to decode my own illusions.”

“Once upon a childhood…I surrounded myself with girls who were cool with each other, until one of us got the attention that another wanted. Which taught me that envy reveals everything. It’s some situations being played out on socials right now, that mirrors the same concept. Atp it’s giving recycled read ritual because we’ve seen these stories before. The women being targeted clearly possess what their targeters want. And just like all adolescent attacks, smear campaigns have been set up to steal the voice of the target…so attention can go back to where it was. This is something like an Ursula Effect because the have nots…seem delusionally desperate…to swap destinies with the ones who have…what their opp-osites pretend not to notice.”

“I used to hate being held accountable. It sucks all the air out the room and forces you to self-reflect…instead of focusing on your inability to breathe. So I developed the ability to dawg paddle my way out of inconvenient conversations. Earlier I had a situation test me on my growth and I passe…didn’t fully fail. I took my niece to a fun park…and got into an argument with one of the attendants. He was being rude to the kids and when he directed his energy towards my niece…I said too many words. When I dropped her off, she told me that was her favorite part of the day. But God had me gasping for air when I got home. After being forced to go within, I realized I still don’t like admitting fault…when I don’t want to accept that my behavior is wrong.”

“Word play is wealth to me because…not everyone is afforded the ability to make those kinds of arrangements. This gift was birthed in me after starting this blog because I had to find a way to declassify my ‘crazy’. It took me a while to find my balance, because my triggerers wanted me too unfit to weigh in on their toxicity. My refusal to stop speaking the language of spirituality tips those scales every time. And even though I’m receipted…blatantly saying they tried to sacrifice me, still sounds like my deck isn’t full. So I had to learn to adapt to my surroundings. Because it’s okay for the undiagnosed to openly show signs of mental instability…but the ‘diagnosed’ aren’t endowed with the option to wear the fullness of our self-expression outside.”

“I inherited the mean girl trait because I was born to a woman with poor mental hygiene. Her version of love was projecting the flaws of her insecurities onto me, so I became that product in my environment. I was at my worst in high school because I gave…with no fear of receiving. But the older I got, the clearer it became that God takes His time…returning to me what I put out. I always aimed to find the worst thing I could say about a person…and waited for the opportunity to say it. So He returned the favor by giving me seasons of my life where other people could do the same. My inability to get out the maze my mouth creates used to be torture…until I realized the only way out is through changed behavior.“

“I finally got to talk to my niece this morning. And a few hours after our FT call…I got a text from my sister asking if I could sit in the carpool lane. I’ve been wrestling against my rage all week and her text almost put me on my back. It reinforced my belief that I’ve been reduced to a call of convenience, and that gave me the reason I needed to emotionally erupt. But I couldn’t because I know my anger is used to light the gas they keep blowing in my face. Wrath reacting without remorse, to their behavior, used to make me feel like I had control over what I couldn’t understand. Now I just want to step back and let this be whatever it is. Because that’s the only way I’ll learn to control myself.”

“My attitude gives underwhelmed…towards people who don’t challenge the tradition of toxic thought patterns. Because they play a part in keeping the cycles of ‘saw but said nothing’ abuse in motion. I can relate to an extent because I’ve been silently side-eyeing ‘what goes on in this house’ ideologies since I was a pre-teen…refusing to openly speak on my vantage point until my 30s. The use of my voice is what helped me graduate to a place of mental clarity and I intentionally got stuck up here. So coming down to throw tomatoes with basic b*tch belief systems isn’t on my to-do’s. There’s no room for emotional elevation there. And I don’t want to be the girl with a middle school mentality…in my mid 40s.”

“You have to be a special kind of victim…to play victim…after someone you victimized...reacts to their victimization. Which is why I’m keeping it mute on an old situation that’s currently crashing out for my attention. I have a habit of making people feel like they’re more important than they are to me…and the consequences of my actions are always the same. I invoke their undivided, after removing mine from them. Then they become obsessed with humbling me. I accept that discarding people is a self-absorbed character flaw that I haven’t fixed yet. And the punishment fits the crime so I won’t try to psychoanalyze the head cases of the actual victim(s). Because my mirror is still all I’m trying to look into.”

“I know I’m supposed to be irrationally reacting to the triggers from my ‘family’ but…this is just another full moon ritual. So spinning a web of words is pointless because their intention is to get me caught up. Our dynamic has been dead. But watching my bloodline’s calculated fall back is still hard…because it leaves me alone on an island. Leaving their energy behind raises my vibration though. Most of my anxiety is gone too because I don’t have to worry about when the next trigger is coming. And I love how this feels. The expectation of being who I need to be for myself is the only pressure I’m under right now, so I can’t grieve this loss like I used to. Because my pinnacle can only be reached…in their absence.”

“If all the energy my ‘family’ has put into triggering my psychosis was studied…it’d show they’ve made a calculated attempt to swap destinies with me. But all their effort lacks logic, since the life of a “chosen” is supposed to be filled with trauma…that’s meant to be transmuted into lessons for the next generation to learn from. So their Hidden Triggers are really just forcing me to live in my purpose. And even if the swap was successful, the spiritual burdens assigned to me would eventually find them. Because all of my destiny has to be fulfilled. Unfortunately, some people are so bothered by the burdens that come with the flesh God gave them…that the fine print gets ignored…and swap meats become an obsession.”

“I went back to the chat and ion wanna talk about it………………..I just think it’s funny how I’m supposed to pretend my niece isn’t being held hostage, every time I don’t pimp my ride out. Everything was going fine with muting my menace…until I found out my BM has had a perfectly good car…that was left to her after her dad passed…parked in her garage. I’m not all the way in the business of telling people what to do with their assets…but this is déjà vu. Because my BM’s dad gave her a car a few months before my niece started her first year of school too. When I asked if she could pay her bLeSsiNg forward by giving my sister her other one…I was ignored. And spent the next 4 years conducting rides…while they ran trains on my psyche. So today…I expressed my polarity.”

“My misHandlers are in the middle of another ransom ritual. Suh-fu*king-prise. Disconnecting from the kids is never a choice I’ll choose and they know that. So my little sister still has the privilege of dangling the presence of her child above my head…with the hope that I’ll be baited into self-sacrificing. This time I made the mistake of using her situation as proof of one of our generational curses…after communication to my niece was cut again. And that comparison put me back on the ‘read and ignore’ list. It feels like this is another attempt to get me to go back to the chat though because they always send the Young Mom in to trigger me when I ghost them. The intention is to get me to respond irrationally…so they can spray me with silence. Because these rituals are meant to switch out my energy with theirs.”