Speaking indirectly is a non negotiable in most messy situations. Attaching names can draw in too much attention…and not everyone is deserving of that type of spotlight. If you’ve mastered the skill of subtlety…the shot only hits its intended target. But if you’re too caught up in your emotions to lead with logic, the offense intended for one…penetrates the psyches of people who have no involvement. Which is why I see sub culture as a cure and a curse…when you get past a certain age. Because it requires you to adolescently address…adult issues. Has my position on this stopped my involvement? Oh ugh ugh. Some stray shade is worth the casualties that come with it…if there’s an underlying lesson.

Feeding into temptation is one of my toxic traits. My apple fell directly underneath its tree…so ‘don’t’ usually looks like ‘please do more of’ to me. Which keeps injecting chaos…into the calmness that I’m trying to cultivate. And…I’m doing it again. I usually feel obligated to give myself grace, whenever I invite this type of confusion back in. But today I felt tempted to challenge my toxicity. Because gentle (re)parenting clearly doesn’t work on me. Coddling my consciousness, just encourages me to keep excusing behavior…that I feel genetically predisposed to. So I decided to start forfeiting forgiveness, until actual change takes place.

My body has been speaking up for herself lately…in ways that made it impossible to ignore her. The tension that came with being separated from a bond that brings me happiness…had my stress overly excited. So my heart was trying to overcompensate, for all the pressure that this break from my ‘blood’ had me under. When this happens, I usually distract my mind by engaging in Gang (Goofy) activity. Because that gives me temporary relief. But experience has taught me…that would’ve just prolonged my social distance…from the person I actually wanted to talk to. Which forced me to meditate more…so I could comfortably carry that weight away from my heart…and through to my artistry.

A while ago my BM’s mom told me that I changed positions in my BM’s womb…which prevented my twin from being choked out by an umbilical cord. This led to me being born second…and feet first. It’s the only birth story I’ve ever been told…but my BM claims she doesn’t remember it. Shocking. Growing up, we never had a normal twin bond. And I tuned our toxicity out…until she made the infamous 2021 chat comment: “Sorry you’ll never be the chosen one…”. She still hasn’t given a logical explanation for why she said it. But after witnessing her subsequent fanatical fixation with my familial death by disownment…I see why I positioned myself in a way that had us enter this world…opp-ositionally.

I’ve never been a good bluffer…because I’ve always shown my emotions through my expressions. So even if I refuse to say how I feel…it’s usually easy to pull my card at first glance. But lately I’ve been confusing everybody…and myself. Because I’ll be in the middle of a mental state that screams sadistic psychopath…but when I look at my reflection…my facials give complete calmness. And…ion know how to feel about that. I want to attribute it to the fact that I’m finally starting to accept the handler bar hierarchy that I was born into. Which is now forcing me to conceal carry. Unfortunately, I think I’m just numb…from constantly pretending I don’t feel…exactly how I do.

Earlier, a memory resurfaced of an argument I had with my dad when I was in my 20s. Back then I had no idea that the concept of emotional intelligence existed. So razor blade rebuttals usually replaced my ability to articulate hurt feelings. I was mid double down on my disrespect when he yelled at me…for the first time in my life. All he said was “enough”, but that one word made me cut him off for months. I want to feel recall remorse for my behavior. But…I wasn’t raised to communicate effectively. I literally just taught myself how to last year. Now, I can’t stop thinking about the kind of bond we could’ve built…if I had learned how to escape my tongue of entitlement sooner.

Blocking energies from my emotions comes easy to me…when I don’t benefit from being emotional. My feelings hurt easily when I involve them with people I care about. So learning how to ghost them on command was mandatory. ………….I don’t like forcing my feelings to hide themselves though. It takes the fun out of my femininity by requiring me to be stoic…instead of submissive to my true nature. I like being soft, I like being vulnerable and I love being nurturing. But those chromosomal qualities aren’t comfortable showing their true colors…in toxic environments. Because toxicity breeds trauma. And trauma bonds only benefit energies…who require dysfunction to function.

Yes…I’m still bothered. No…I’m not in a rush to get over it. Because letting go doesn’t erase the fact that the only way to be a member of my ‘family’…is by shrinking myself…to fit in with their mentality. When I first started the Gang Goofy chat, half of them wanted to fight me over what I said I saw in them…and the other half begged me to get on “manic” medication. But 5 years later…everything I called out has been proven true…through their behavior. Which either makes me a psychic…or a polygraph. Atp, they’re still muted. And now I’m starting to wonder if this microaggression is just a result of the guilt they feel, for being so loud and wrong about my gift.

“I felt like text tussling today…but I refuse to thumbs down the chat. That’s what’s expected of me every time my ‘family’ simulates the removal of my vocal cords so…I’m choosing to sit with my silence. Which was making me angrier. Then the words “it’s okay to let go” interrupted one of my thoughts. The obviousness of that sentence felt like blatant disrespect. Until I added “of”…and made a list of everything my silence is allowing to go unchecked. I was expecting to feel this miraculous shift in my energy but…that’s not how healing works. So I allowed the fullness of my feelings to mark off each box…with no expectation of immediate gratification. By the time I finished…I finally understood why forgiveness isn’t for the other person.”

Idk why no one listens to me. I go out my way to cosplay coyness. But atp, it feels like I have to be a b!tc# to be heard. Which also gets me nowhere. So I opted out of using my words to spazz on my sister, after she replied with block threats…instead of confirming/denying whether my niece is good. Because…ion got it. I did text the Sanderson Sister chat though…to ask if they knew anything. And…my twin removed herself. I added her back to put emphasis on how ”I keep getting better”…after being 5 years in on their moon cycle triggers. Then, she removed herself again. Now I’m trying to process how everyone spent years getting off on intentionally inciting my mania…just to go mute when I finally came…to my senses.

“I still have days where my self-esteem feels off…so I can empathize with women who struggle with confidence. Before I matured, I’d project my insecurities onto others because I didn’t know how to accept my flaws. And I refused to change my ways…until I realized that I aged out of this type of delusion. So when I see females, older than me, still engaged in this behavior…I feel a way. Because elders are supposed to embody the kind of emotional etiquette that those coming behind them…benefit from emulating. Unfortunately, our culture is obsessed with misleading our youth…by presenting them with the worst of us. Which subconsciously teaches them…that this is the best they can do.”

“My level of naivety is unmatched…when it comes to my ‘family’. Because I’m always underestimating them. But it’s a new moon….which means I got another b!*ch you thought ritual. I text my sister a couple days ago to ask for a power trip pause. Her response was aggressive…until she said ‘she knows I don’t love her’. I ignored it at first, but guilt made me drop my guard today and tell her that I do. And 17 minutes later, I get a text asking me to take my niece to the hospital. I physically could not…we got into it over the details…and she stopped responding. 21 hours later…no update, or proof, has been given. Which is forcing me to accept that the intended anxiety from these rituals…has established permanent residency in my psyche.”

The Columbus clones still haven’t responded to the email. And I can’t even remember the last time I talked to my niece. Which tells me that the placement of pressure on my psyche…is still being intentionally laid out…as encouragement for me to lose my grip on reality. Earlier I contemplated earning the diAgNOsiS they’re so invested in unveiling…again. But felt guided to accept that their behavior should be used as the tool…that helps me contour my consciousness. Because their passiveness is so aggressively obvious…that it’s impossible not to see the intent behind it. So my only option is to cinch my perspective…in a way that shapes the emotional aesthetic I desire. Atp, the only way this will be accomplished…is by shapeshifting out of this f#ck sh*t.

“I’ve always flirted with triggers…that tempt me with toxicity. Shadow work taught me that I usually give in to my attraction…when I’m an energetic match. Which isn’t not often. But I’m starting to notice a pattern in its seduction schedule. The potential of the temporary high that I’m enticed with…only/always comes…when something worth having, long term, appears. Spiritually speaking, this is a test of temperament…that’ll determine my next assignment. If I indulge…my energy is outsourced into positions that can only offer short term satisfaction. And that used to work for me. Until I realized that I’m forfeiting the possibility of sowing into my field of forever…by giving in to what fulfills me in the moment.”

“I’m stubborn…even though it’s never worked in my favor. But my resistance remains because it helps distract me from my perceived sense of helplessness. So I still do the opposite of what I feel is expected…as often as possible. Even when what’s expected…is growth. Because most growth requires me to leave behind what I’m used to. And that scares me…so I end up fighting to keep what feels familiar. Which has never not taken me down roads…that kill all opportunities of forward movement. I keep coming to these dead ends…expecting them to open up and lead me somewhere else. But that won’t happen because they’re designed…to take me back to where I’ve already been.”

“I’ve been opting out of reacting lately. Once upon a time this was hard for me…because I’m used to being over reactive. But when I (re)learned that silence solidifies my sanity…I realized anyone encouraging my noise…is trying to use my reactions as camouflage…for their tone deaf toxicity. So now I’m back being choosy with my retaliation reads. Unfortunately, certain energies can’t be spared. Which led to me writing a headshot hymnal, that’s been in my ‘do not post’ pile for a while. My discernment is advocating against its publication because it’s the kind of shot that’ll ricochet…and hit people I care about. And I no longer want the consequences that come…from inducing pain in innocent souls.”

“It’s hard for me to face what I don’t want to see. Because it usually leaves me without the option of being the chooser of the destiny I actually want. Unfortunately, what I want…isn’t always what’s needed. So I’m learning to flow with the current of my present reality, instead of against it. Which means I now have to acknowledge that a route I was taking…has run its course. This is usually an easy decision for me. It hits different when my feelings are involved though. But if I hold on…I’ll be preventing this soul from focusing on a more compatible connection. And I’m not comfortable with that because…God does to me…what I do to others.”

“Healthy relationships require equal effort. This seems obvious…but not everyone can see past their ego. Those who can’t, put all the responsibility on their insignificant other. Because they see themselves as the prize. I used to see this mindset as red pill rhetoric, until I realized it’s a result of maternal conditioning…that put all the emphasis on being taken care of. Which is normal in childhood. But if the requirement for emotional reciprocity never comes…someone compromising their self-respect, to throw their back out working for you, feels…normal. And this lop sided love becomes the sTAnDaRd for anyone who falls for you…until you meet someone who makes you pay them for that pain.”

“The cry baby Karens still haven’t responded. So I decided to move on…again…after letting leasing know that the lack of response confirms my suspicions. They replied, attempting to shift blame to me and my neon note. And I pointed out that the reply refusal came “well before” that. Then…crickets. Atp, my attention is back on the lesson. Because I was given every reason to protect my peace the last time this happened. But still chose to move like it wouldn’t happen again. Which is a recurring theme in my life. It’s like I dissociate from the proven consequences of a situation…by refusing to accept my ability to participate in its prevention. Now, I’m starting to feel like I have a victim kink that gets me off…of holding myself accountable.”

“I hate feeling what I make other people feel…if that feeling forces me to face my selfishness. I’m slowly starting to grasp the fact that my ability to overgive is a mask I wear…to disguise my inability to give a f*&k about what other people need…if it inconveniences what I want. So I manifest energies that teach me who I am…through acting out that same behavior towards me. And right now I’m learning that I’m not really a nice person…if I don’t have to be. My soul recognized this before I did…and decided to have me attract someone who would read tf out of me…by using my own words. This strategy works like magic for me…because it’s hard to deny the reality of my reality…when I’m looking in its mirror.”