There’s nothing I hate more than the idea of building consensual camaraderie…with my peers. I’ve been trying to shed this cynicism. But the older I get, the more I realize that most ‘friend’ groups are a collection of spirits…all in covert competition…with each other. So they seek out souls who have the emotional intelligence of an elementary schooler…in order to gaslight them into the belief of girl code. Falling victim to this outdated ideology is a pipeline to pessimism. And if you’re unfortunate enough to befriend females who desire what you have, survival instincts are needed. Just to be able to escape the matrix of the mentally imbalanced…who prefer for you to lose what you possess…so you stop reminding them what they lack.

Letting go of feelings that don’t serve me used to be a foreign concept. Mainly because I accidentally perfected my ability to drag things out…on purpose. To know me is to know that routines give me a certain sense of security. So even if an emotion is tainted with toxicity, if I’ve become accustomed to feeling it…I’ll dress it up and pretend it’s something that it’s not, just so my day to day isn’t affected. But, none of my therapists have ever co-signed my commitment to this brand of cosplay. And I never understood why they felt it was so important to distance myself from delusion…until I realized that peace requires authenticity. Which is impossible to achieve if I’m constantly swapping out my reality, with artificial concepts that make my psyche so unrecognizable…that it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real…and what’s fake.

This will probably be the hardest blog I ever write because…I don’t want to write it. Because its presence cements my inability to renege…on my decision to walk away from a love that I want. My hesitation comes from the fact that this love transcends all logic…which makes it ethereal. And because I know how rare it is to meet the other half of your soul…in human form…I didn’t want to accept that this connection…is supposed to be my sacrifice. For the longest, I convinced myself that breaking generational curses off my bloodline…had everything to do with me holding my ‘family’ accountable for their behavior. But God has been trying to tell me that this was just my way of escaping behavior, I refuse to hold myself fully accountable for…i.e. the death of the 4 kids…that I should be raising right now.

Giving my attention to energies who thirst for it…irritates my whole soul. Because it’s never not obvious, that the only reason they want it…is to bind me to botheredness…that belongs to them. I used to see this desperation as a cry for validation. But now I feel like the spiritual purpose of it…is to trigger the opening of an access point…to energy harvest from. Which is why I only see this behavior from bottom feeder females…whose confidence is contingent…on the absence of someone else’s. These energies are usually introduced to their succubus supply, by way of the men they desire…who desire the souls that they subsequently stalk. Then, they attempt to attach their insecurities onto that target…who unconsciously challenges the superficial security that they cosplay in.

I have a habit of under reacting…with people I love. Which can lead to extreme overreactions…if my other half ever decides it wants to be compensated for its restraint. And yesterday…it decided. It’s been a couple years since my favorite cousin, who was born a week after me and twin, stopped talking to me. He was my eyes…before I could see how these nig…men act. So, I used to spare his feelings. But someone has had me in mine the last few weeks…and the anger from being separated from solid advice…blinded me with rage…out of nowhere. If I said I chose not to write things that probably put a permanent partition between us, I’d be lying. If I said I ended the scene I made, by hoping a male part finds its way down his throat…I’d be telling the truth. Normally, I’d feel remorse but…his absence has had me gagging on grief for a while.

The lack of empathy I’ve been feeling lately…has me concerned for the emotional wellbeing of those around me. Because I’ve lost all interest in making excuses for adult children. I was better at finding giveable f*cks, when I convinced myself that being spiritually enlightened…meant laying around in darkness…with people who aren’t bright. It’s always been easy to feel my way through spaces like this…but impossible to see who I’m really dealing with. Especially if there’s shared trauma. The kind of bond that’s formed in situations like these can cause a repulsion to reality. And if one person wakes up before the other is ready to…that darkness will eventually be filled with gaslighting. Which can lead to lunacy…if you don’t uncover your ability to bring discomfort…to those intentionally making you uncomfortable.

Meet the Parents will never not be Hall of Fame funny to me. Because it finds humor in how fast people forget where they come from…just to fit in with people who don’t even like them. The irony in Gaylord‍ ‍hiding who he was, to get this acceptance, came from the fact that the people whose trust he wanted…weren’t trustworthy. I’m experiencing something similar. But I’m not trying to fit in..with the people pretending they haven’t already been exposed…for the same thing they’re desperately trying to expose me for. This selective amnesia usually happens, when someone wants to humble a soul…that disturbs demons they’ve dissociated from. And instead of accepting that their defensiveness towards a specific person comes from ignored insecurities, masked by egregious egos, they part their lips to pour stale wine…that they can also sip from. Tragic.

Being emotionally balanced is boring…asf. A normal person probably feels serenity but…I feel solitarily confined. Because I’m a Gemini, with two personalities. One encourages me to say whatever will cut down to a person’s bone marrow. Just to blame it on my diagnosis…if I dig too deep. The other prefers pleasantness. I’d rather lay up with the first side. And fall asleep, pretending my actions are justified. Irrespective of how much trauma I inflict, on someone who needed to be read. But when I choose my toxicity, I summon the sadistic side of my soul…that tempts me into ignoring reality…to keep it company. Which can lead to the kind of paralyzing psychosis…that foreshadows my fall from Grace. So, I sightsee long enough to prove a point…and return right back to being regular.

I don’t know if anyone has noticed but…I hate hoes. Because I’ve never attracted a man…who isn’t attracted to them. For a while, I convinced myself that their fixation with the frequently used…was no different than my addiction to sugar. Since I know it’s bad for me…but I never consider that…until the consequences come. So I accepted the toxicity…because I could relate. But over the years, I started noticing that whenever my relationships graduated to commitment…there was always a soul, tied to my partner, who’d turn psychopathic…when her time was up. Which always birthed a weird obsession…with me. And today I learned, from an unexpected source, that this may be due to me triggering an abandonment issue…created from their dad not choosing their mom. This checks out with a geriatric groupie I have standing at attention. Who has a habit of inserting herself in the homes of others…that she refuses to leave.

It’s a few energies…in my energy…with their souls in shambles…because they don’t know what I’m going to say next. And with a diAGnOsiS like mine…I understand their fear. But, my focus right now…is on the claims that Kelly Price just made about witchcraft being done on her. I wasn’t sure why my intuition told me to post my ‘families’ failed ritual receipts the day before her live…until I heard her words. After I listened…I went to the Gang Goofy chat to gloat. Even though I know nothing will come of it, since no one takes words like hers seriously…until someone dies. Because gang stalking experiences are meant to make the experiencer look crazy…by publicly proclaiming a paranormal problem…that those reliant on white washed religions can’t relate to. Which is why I accept that all I can do is document what I go through with my own delusional demons…until God decides it’s time to validate my truth.

Ion dislike anyone enough to play in magic behind them. Because I’ve seen what it looks like…when spell work backfires. A while back I spoke about the night I feel like my twin attempted to sacrifice me. It didn’t work and the next day someone was shot to death in front of our apartments. Years later that memory took over my thoughts, so I went to the Gang Goofy chat about it. My intuition told me they were attempting to repeat their failure, and I let them know that it might result in someone else from the ‘family’ dying. Two weeks later, my dad died. Since then, it feels like there’s been an increase put into ending my quality of life…since they can’t end my actual life. So I started losing jobs out the blue…again. Relationships that brought me happiness started deteriorating…again. And my mental state felt like it was caving in on itself…again. All because I wouldn’t fall in the plot…that was dug out for me.

Being hunted by mobs of bops is a given…when you actually represent…who they pretend to be. My imposter syndrome used to convince me that my belief of feeling targeted…by people who act like I don’t exist…was a figment of my main character fixation. But…these hoes really are on me. And the stress from their constant surveillance causes the kind of pain in my a$$…that could leave me suffering from the same type of cancer my dad was predisposed to. So I’m still on my 5 a week workouts…and my daily meditations. Because there will never be a shortage of groupies…hanging on to the desperation of destroying the peace of mind that I built…on my own. Which is why I accept that their misery loves company. While also understanding that the closest they can get to being in mine…is by setting thirst traps for the kind of attention…that I effortlessly get from them.

Sooo yesterday was…a lot. But I’ve been holding those emotions in for a minute. And after getting more confirmation that I haven’t been imagining what I’ve been experiencing…I rage released. I still have a hard time figuring out what feelings to keep to myself, because the voices in my head have convinced me that they all deserve to be heard. Which allows me to share sentiments that most can relate to…but wouldn’t say out loud. I normally get anxiety when I shamelessly react to things that the stigma around my diAgNOsiS, has taught me should be intentionally ignored. Because crash dummies have gone out their way to project their point of views onto me for so long…by trying to convince me that riding on the road of my reality, is equivalent to crashing out. This time, giving what was requested from me felt more like I was transferring toxicity…back to the person it belongs to.

I used to live inside the fantasy of friendship…until I realized the time will always come…when individuals are put in ‘it’s me or you’ type situations. No one with sense would go against themselves so…I prefer to roam alone. But I’ve noticed my intentional individuality…always attracts packs of wild h(oe)yenas…who pounce pavements with high body counts…to feel secure. Their inability to stand out when standing alone…are symptoms of a ‘sit with me’ syndrome. Which is why they’re so easily triggered…by those confident enough to (D)olo cup it. And it’s always a head hoe in charge..who gathers a gang of groupies…to target that self-esteem she feels threatened by. Because her strength is in numbers. From the outside looking in…it gives one of them ones. Until she meets that one…who exposes how weak her walls are.

I had another (re)parenting session with my BM a couple weeks ago. The conversation was centered around the intentionality she put behind making sure none of her kids…achieved what she couldn’t. Unless those achievements…were something she could brag to familiar strangers about. So she was the first to take credit for our diplomas, degrees and designations. Because these things don’t invoke her competitive nature….that only comes out…whenever any of us gets into a relationship. Which has me feeling like she intentionally raised children who’d be ill prepared for intimacy…while silently encouraging us to stay in any of the emotionally abusive connections we subsequently attracted. IMO, it’s because our professional success pedestals her pArEnTinG. But our intimate success leaves her misery…without the company of codependence.