WriteOff
It’s not about us anymore…
This will probably be the hardest blog I ever write because…I don’t want to write it. Because its presence cements my inability to renege…on my decision to walk away from a love that I want. My hesitation comes from the fact that this love transcends all logic…which makes it ethereal. And because I know how rare it is to meet the other half of your soul…in human form…I didn’t want to accept that this connection…is supposed to be my sacrifice. For the longest, I convinced myself that breaking generational curses off my bloodline…had everything to do with me holding my ‘family’ accountable for their behavior. But God has been trying to tell me that this was just my way of escaping behavior, I refuse to hold myself fully accountable for…i.e. the death of the 4 kids…that I should be raising right now.
The love that I’m letting go…is with an energy I connected with when we were young. We experienced life together, until it led us down different paths. Then, I attracted his energy in the two men that I dropped my guards enough to be loved by. Between those two…there were four pregnancies that didn’t make it full term. One was out of my control…but the other three were consciously cancelled. I’ve tried making peace with my decisions for a while now, but even with all my repentance…I never fully felt the weight of it fall from my soul. So I acted like it didn’t exist…until I was reintroduced to the man that my soul is in sync with. But…he came with more souls than I left him with. Souls whose legacy rely on him remaining a unit…with the woman he chose to procreate with. In the beginning, all I saw was what I wanted. Which almost allowed me to entertain the idea of playing the role of ho(e)mewrecker. Until I realized…that this is the generational curse…God sent us here to break.
Coming to terms with the separation of our souls took a min…couple years. In that time…I distracted myself with a retaliation ‘relationship’. Which was a waste of time because when we ‘broke up’…I went right back to entertaining ideas of a ‘happily ever after’…with the soul who was also off…from his on again/off again situation. But...God asked me to view it from the perspective of a sibling of mine, in the same position. Because between these two couples…there are four children. The idea of someone coming in and taking away the opportunity for my sibling to permanently be ‘on’ with their partner…so that the generational curse of broken homes can finally be broken…didn’t feel right. And my resistance towards picturing this for their children…made it impossible for me to participate in this being the reality for someone else’s. None of these kids belong to me but…the karma from my actions…could boomerang onto my bloodline. So choosing to put their future needs ahead of my present desires…feels like the kind of energetic exchange…that’ll finally allow me to start making amends.
Love,
Choosy
