Diary-Ah
Numb chucking…
My refusal to heal…encouraged me to hurt…other people. This refusal was a result of being too numb to feel the hurt I was causing myself. So I projected that hurt onto others…in an attempt to witness my own pain…being felt. As a form of volatile validation. When I do this…I refer to it as projectile vomiting. Because I spray all the sh!t inside of me…onto whoever I’m closest to. Which is why I’ve been using journaling as a crutch for so long. It’s allowed me to Burn Book my way through all the emotions…that I haven’t actually wanted to feel. But the longer I disconnect from this therapeutic process, that I turned toxic, the less desire I have to displace my demons…onto anyone else. And now it’s forcing me to feel the accountability that was hidden behind the emotions…that I’ve been writing off…as someone else’s problem.
This epiphany came to me last night…when I stared my abandonment issues in its facelessness. The image I perceived when envisioning it, was a battered brick wall. But I refused to accept that all the cracks on its body…reflected my inability to stop hitting it. I hit it when my emotional imbalances attract emotionally unavailable souls, to build with. I hit it when I (re)start projects that have a history of reflecting my aversion to success stories. I hit it when I choose to entertain what brings me pain…over what fosters my peace. I hit it when I ignore my intuition about people, places and things. And I hit it when I don’t want to accept that it’s not always God’s intention to have me try and go through everything that’s hard…in order to learn my lesson. Sometimes, I’m meant to see a situation for what it is…and move around accordingly. Before I’m left…with no other option.
Unfortunately for me…suffering had become my love language. So I made everyone around me suffer…behind my refusal to stop crashing out…over the same walls. The amount of words I’ve written, to solidify their struggle with switching outside the lanes of my Sh!t Show…almost makes me uncomfortable. And it’s forcing me to accept that words spoken with an unhealed tongue…hold no real weight. Because they’re laced with undertones of the kind of trauma…that make it incapable of carrying all sides of the truth. My healing couldn’t thrive in an environment like this…because the accountability couldn’t align. Which was subconsciously intentional. Since my real goal was to inflict as much pain as I could on everyone else…so they’d finally acknowledge how much pain they inflicted on me. But the more I used my words to hold fire to their feet…the less light I had to see (and focus) on my own behavior.
Love,
Choosy
