My last move was when I was finally able to prove I wasn’t making this up. I had managed to avoid disclosing my location for a while…until my father died. Months before that, I had told the group chat that I had no intention of letting them know where I stay. Because every time I do…a camera magically appears. I was called a “paranoid schizophrenic” by my twin and everyone else ignored me. Then, after filling out the paperwork related to my father’s death…I had to give my address on a document shared with my twin. A couple months later…is when the three tiered security system appeared.

Whether my siblings want to admit it or not…we’ve all waited our entire lives for our ‘mother’ to let her guard down. I can assume all I want about what causes her to be so solution avoidant. Like my assumption that she punishes me as a way to vicariously punish her ‘mother’, while wanting me to make the appointment…so that she gets her long standing desire for a maternal type love…in a roundabout way. But my assumptions answer nothing. I now just want to know the reasoning for why she’s still content being this way, after all the opportunities she’s had to go in a different direction.

I’m definitely spiritually inclined…but not enough to understand how I knew what to say when I said it. After paying closer attention to my intuition…I started noticing that their familial triggers, meant to throw off my mental balance, usually occurred around a certain time in any given month. That time was usually on/around a full moon. I’ve noticed similar trigger attempts happen on new moons as well, but the big ones usually happen when the moon is full. There’s no coincidence that this latest trigger falls right in line with that time line. The full moon is(was) 4.23.24.

What you do to others, will be done to you. So today, after emotionally exploding on the group about how they’re '“lil mangy dogs”…who were trying to get me fired, by requiring I dedicate so much of my work schedule to taking care of a responsibility …that doesn’t even belong to me. Among many…many…many other toxic things said by me…I wasn’t surprised when I was later outed for a flaw of mine…that I do my best to conceal. Whenever embarrassment finds my location, I’ve noticed there’s always something I’ve recently done to bring embarrassment to someone else. So…my exposè is compensation, in order for God to balance out the energies.

Long story longer: “Friendship” is a fantasy unless it’s a relationship you have with self. Because everyone is walking around with some kind of unhealed trauma. If you engage with another human soul for long enough…at some point your existence will trigger an unflattering emotion within them. If you look closely at how they behave when that happens…you’ll get my point.

My BM used to tell me, in high school, that she had no clue how I had friends. Aside from the uncomfortably obvious undertones of projection…I can now see how she came to her assessment of my behavior. I’ve been an overtly undercover ‘mean girl’ for as long as I can remember. ‘Diagnosis’ aside…I’ve always known…that I always know…exactly what I’m doing. I’ve been able to water down how I view my meanness though. Because I found sovereignty in the fact that my inner demon…never appears unless provoked. But if my perspective is polluted…provocation is inevitable.

Look at the lengths my ‘mother’ has gone, just to avoid admitting that she lied on me. In order to take the attention off the parenting that left her children so emotionally damaged. I wouldn’t still be trying to get her to acknowledge what she lied about, if she wasn’t sitting back watching her other child force me into taking care of responsibilities…that are not mine. Responsibilities that wouldn’t even be hers, if our ‘mother’ had prepared her for womanhood. At this point…my BM can’t have it both ways. My initial call for counseling was either a result of a “manic episode” or it was a result of me trying to prevent exactly what’s happening now.

I literally just learned how to avoid ‘trigger traps’ like the one I fell in earlier. One avoidance technique that’s been working is alchemizing my energy instead of giving the non beneficial version of it to the horde. I do this through writing, working out, watching old movies and funny YT videos, etc. But I went the other way today and chose to give the negative energy back to the ones who gave it to me. That’s not where I should’ve gone. And it makes me feel like I’m still not where I should be. But…it’s where I am.

Over the years, there have been many examples of similar situations taking place in the news. The most notable one took place on a Mexican vacation among a group of ‘friends’. I won’t say my ‘family’ would take it to that extreme, but God shows us who is for and against us before we get betrayed. If you see the slightest hint of someone showing signs that they’ll use a lie to stomp your light out the first chance they get…exit stage left. Not doing so will only put you in an energetically draining scenario, that you may not recover from.

Jealousy is a funny thing. It’s never as hidden as the person in possession of it thinks it is. Kendrick wasn’t even really addressing Cole in his Like That verse. But Cole delivered a ‘buy one get one free’ track in dedication to this man. Which makes me think back to when Kendrick spoke on not trusting the true intentions of rappers. After seeing Cole’s response when Kendrick didn’t want a seat at his table…its obvious where the Big Stepper was coming from. Kendrickdoesn’t fit in the circle…so he squared up. “Tough tit-taye”. The fact that Cole tried to place him there, speaks more to his pride needing to be in the same sentence…as someone whose greatness he recognizes.

My own vanity played a part in why I thought this person would take my apology and carry on. I honestly expected to be easily forgiven. My reaction to having the opposite take place, revealed that I’m still approaching life from an egotistically entitled perspective. And that’s why my spirit wouldn’t allow me to stop thinking about what happened. I asked for forgiveness from the person I violated (energetically)…and I asked for forgiveness from my ‘Dad’. Now, I too have to sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop. Because anyone intentionally submitting to the guidance of God, knows that failing a test means that we’re about to be taught a lesson. I pray that I’ve shed enough of my ego to elevate out of this position by the time it hits.

I pointed out in one of my texts to the bigger group, that the question could be posed of why I don’t just walk away from the ‘family’…if I see they’re trying to cause me mental unrest. I answered my question by stating that I’ve tried to…several times. I stated that my last attempt was followed by my little sister appointing me as chauffeur. I pointed out how that lasted for a consistent 7 months, until I threatened them. AND I was consistently triggered throughout this time. No one has said a word. This is literally the ‘family’ that ‘preys’ together. And being ‘bipolar’ makes me the perfect victim. Ew.

Now…self correcting my way back into empathy, is realigning me with the part of my spirit responsible for guiding my career path. Luckily, all the emotional tools necessary for this life long journey back to my higher self, were already in my possession. But they were only revealed to me when I was ready to put the work in. Fortunately, God has equipped us all with our own set of built in workflows. If you have been calling out…it’s time to clock back in babes.

So when I think back over all the effort these people have put into what I perceive as encouragement for my early expiration…it gives me satisfaction to know that the answer to that ‘what if’…is nowhere near ‘what is’. I took what was meant to emotionally cripple me and turned it into a skill that I pray will be used as a guide, for others experiencing the same storms I’m currently weathering. Which is all this has ever been about. Learning from my pain, so that I can live to tell someone else that NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE FEELING…it’s just a feeling…that can be overcome.

If more people were honest about who they really are…they’d be able to accept that they were born to be aunties and uncles too. But so many have been tricked into believing they could play a role that doesn’t fit their personality type. As an aunt…I am…was everything to my nieces and nephews that I wish I had in my childhood. I’m lucky enough to have been born to the kind of parents that made shadow work a requirement in my adult years. Because I had to heal trauma from the childhood they gave me. Which made it easier for me to pick up on blind spots of the people in my family, possessing that same parenting style.

At this point I know that none of these connections will ever be resurrected. All hands have been shown. But the sting of being lied on isn’t going away. There is just something in me that can’t let that go. My mother knows she conveniently used my ‘disorder’ and she also knows she never took me for treatment when I was under her roof. Having her turn the family against me on the grounds of ‘mental instability’, that she felt no need to treat before my ‘call for counseling’, is infuriating. Seeing how far they’ve all gone/still go to trigger a ‘manic’ response from me…makes it that much worse. So right now, I’m trying to alchemize my anger.

I was first introduced to the term ‘Chosen One’ by my twin a few years ago. She brought the words to my attention while telling me…and the group chat…how sorry she was for that being something I’d never be. I had no idea this term was a title people claimed outside of movies prior to her mentioning it. And to this day she refuses to explain what she meant by her statement. After researching the term, I felt I was being described. My ego found comfort in how powerful it subsequently made me feel to be handpicked by God. So I started referring to myself as a ‘Chosen One’ often.

Full Disclosure: I’ve been caught in a lie many times in my past…and each time…I gaslit like my life depended on it. I still embody the ability to deceive on occasion, so I can’t say I don’t empathize with the Slanderous Sanderson's. Some truths I fear acknowledging because they show a version of myself that I don’t like. Maybe my family has this same fear and their solution is to scapegoat me in order to feel more likeable. You know…an organic self-esteem boost. Either way…I pick and choose what I acknowledge about myself to others (now)…but when it comes to lying about someone’s mental health in order to avoid acknowledging accountability...how does one find justification in that?

Long story longer…I can’t be bothered enough to show how bothered I am right now. I’m going to learn from my past decisions and stay calm, when I clearly see an emotionally volatile reaction is being summoned. Eventually I’ll have enough to justifiably erupt over but I don’t even think I’ll waste lava when that time comes. I’m starting to like sitting in the position of authority over my emotions. The ‘stay calm’ pressure they’re putting on my emotional state is now birthing a diamond. Who am I to stop the process before my true clarity is revealed.