I won’t pretend that I’m not bothered by once again being reminded that I appeal more to a man’s lower half than his top. It honestly feels like an insult because…it kinda is. Because most men require little to nothing to be sexually aroused. If they’re aroused enough, a relationship is not hard for the woman to manifest…if it is convenient for the man. Ask me how I know. More and more, the fear of becoming like the other single older women in my family/society is creeping into my psyche. Unfortunately, men know this fear is present. And the ones I attract have a tendency to capitalize off of it.

Not only did I fail to ‘brown nose’ the man who ended up being the new branch manager…I had also offended his race to the office chatty patty. When my severance package ran out, I sat in my room wishing I had learned how to assimilate to the ways of this world. The pizza delivery position I had to rush to get so my car wouldn’t be repossessed, served as God’s humble hummus after my inability to doppelgang my previous Corporate position. It took years of me bouncing through temporary jobs until I found my current position. That outcome may have been different if I had learned how to respect a person’s status…even when their soul doesn’t feel right. Oh well my guy.

This is the FOURTH straight year these people have led with my mental imbalance. When I make headway in the counseling conversation, one of the Sanderson sisters creates a smoke screen that only highlights how in need of “professional help” I am. These last 7 months have been filled with them triggering me into mania…only to gaslight me into playing the assigned role THAT THEY GAVE ME, when I decide to walk away. Now…they’re stuck in the same maze they made for me.

I have the ability to pick my niece up because I’m fortunate enough to work from home. When I don’t have too much work, I incur no inconvenience. My little sister on the other hand is now having to make a lot of concessions. Are they her concessions to make? Yep. Did she sign herself up for this? Sure did. But…so did I. I believe heavily in karma and in my mind…my karma for aborting my seeds, has me playing a more heavy handed role in the life of the last niece I’m still allowed to speak to. This ‘karmic’ thought always brings me off my high horse of finger pointing but…I can’t figure out if doing so serves the situation or causes it a disservice.

Popularity is a social positioning as old as time. And just like any other group, 'most ‘popular’ girls share a similar personality type. This particular personality type tends to isolate those who don’t assimilate to social norms…while they themselves thrive in their ability to perfect behavioral expectations set by this world. I was fortunate enough to be a little of both the isolated and the assimilated.

For the longest I thought learning was the stopping point, in order to move on to the next subject. But learning is only preparation. Our lives consist of the same handful of experiences that happen over and over, at different points in time. These experiences come from emotional mile markers that took place in our childhood. And are embedded in our psyche. We’re given the opportunity to handle the experience differently each time we revisit them but…that’s only possible if we learn from how we handled it before. Needing to be chosen is one of my recurring experiences and it stems from feeling ‘unchosen’ by my parents. I’m now being given another opportunity to heal the remnants of that part of me.

It’s taken me a while to accept that people have the right to hold grudges against me. I can be a ‘do as I say and not as I do’ kind of person and…I’m slowly kicking that habit. But for the longest I’ve expected for people to allow me to speak whatever truth I feel needs to be said in the moment…in that moment…free of consequences. My life experiences have desensitized me to how my words may affect others. And even with that being a convenient truth…it’s still a truth. Acknowledging that I’m not the only one with feelings, shifts my perspective and allows me to give a little more grace to people. Especially members of my ‘family’.

I have to figure out how to stop viewing the world through the lenses I’ve been using all these years. They’re (f)ugly and they make me feel (f)ugly when I look in the mirror. They make everything else I look at (f)ugly too. More wasted sight. So while sitting in a sea of sadness, projecting my hurt into the future of my nieces, nephews and second cousins…I realized that we’re all f*cked and there’s nothing we can do about it. Which means we might as well see the world how we want to see it. And the world I want to see involves complete happiness for them.

I know men don’t like digging into their emotions. But the fact that they don’t like it, only adds to the amount of emotionally unavailable men walking this Earth. And they’re only emotionally unavailable because…no one has shown them how to access their emotions. The issue is…the same is true for most women. So we get in relationships with people who we’re sexually attracted to, play games until one person wants out, and then we move on without realizing that we’re just going to attract the same person in another body. Because the real lesson is to learn more about who we are…through who we’ve been attracting.

After dropping off my niece, my little sister advised how dumb I was to keep texting a chat that included our BM because…she has me blocked. Full Disclosure: Feeling unheard by my mother is usually an instantaneous trigger that lands me back in the group chat hoping to validate my inner child feeling unseen. But I worked through my emotions when I got home by doing Yoga and diving under the foot of influence. I sent a ‘nanny nanny boo boo’ type text to the smaller chat, apologizing to The Band of Broomhilda’s for their inability to summon a ‘manic’ episode out of me.

Before her exit, I used their trump card and declared my ‘bipolarism’ as the reason for my sudden change in desire to over give. According to the mental health link my twin has consistently sent in the group chats over the years…I’m at the will of my ‘disease’. Back then she used it to discount the truth I was speaking. Now, after claiming the side effects of my ‘disorder’, I was told that I knew “exactly what I was doing”. Tough crowd. I became enraged at the response and started vomiting truth.

I honestly have no idea why my face continues to be played in. I know I’ve gone back on my word a million times and…I rarely ever keep up a boundary set to prevent the ‘face play’. But I’m still very much confused on why certain people don’t just stop while they’re ahead. It’s like pushing me past the point of no return is their mission…even though I’ve shown, in the past, how toxic I become once I reach that place. Truthfully speaking, my reactions are always short lived and I immediately go back to overlooking their trigger attempts…until my next explosion. So I guess they’re just playing their assigned roles.

I wish this was the first time a woman has seen me with my niece, assumed I was a mother…and exhibited the same behavior. Truthfully speaking, it’s happened with women of all colors. It’s like my niece gives me the ability to tap into the world of openly toxic mothers and it feels so familiar that it makes me uncomfortable. I grew up with my own BM rushing to tell any business of my siblings and I…that showed us in a negative light. And she’d cackle on the phone with other emotionally insensitive mothers because apparently punching down on your kids is a part of their job description. I can not say that this is all mothers…but most children…turned adults, who’ve gravitated to this blog… can name at least one shared experience. So there’s that.

I’m no stranger to being humbled. At this point, I figure it’s how God shows me He loves me. The amount of opportunity He’s given me to feel this taser shock of humility…can’t possibly be for any other reason. I used to fight against it, but now I’m doing my best to find the hidden lesson in each emotional assault missile sent in my direction. So I no longer run around in circles, trying to avoid being hit now. And it’s saved me from doing a lot of unnecessary exercise.

I needed these last four years more than anything I’ve ever needed in life. Because weighing the behavior of my ‘misguiders’ against my own…put my behavior into perspective. I was a big part of MY problem. But more than that, I started to see that these same people were pushing my detonation device purposely. This last week has been more of the same. I spoke about the last text that I sent the group chat. But I left out that I threatened them with a ‘manic’ episode…if they didn’t get their s*** together.

And the overwhelming unreasonable response I’ve received over the years, is the suggestion for me to ‘mind my own business’. I simply can not. I’ve a hard time understanding what that phrase even means…when I consider it from the viewpoint of my ‘family’. Because they are my business. The kids who don’t have a voice that the adults will listen to, can’t speak up on their own behalf. And I was fortunate enough to go through the same trauma I’m trying to prevent them from experiencing. So why not use my voice? But most people prefer to stay quiet because speaking up comes with a lot of unwanted backlash. Which is why generational curses are so hard to break. They thrive in the silence of others.

He (God) pointed out how she found something to be happy about in those moments…and how she didn’t allow what was going on around her to change her mood. I quickly came up with a rebuttal, detailing how she shouldn’t have to search for her happy place at such a young age. I was then advised that if she doesn’t learn how to do it now…she won’t know how valuable it is as she gets older.

I won’t pretend like my BD was the worst straw that could’ve been pulled though because…he stuck around. He was the first man who ever told me I was beautiful. And for the majority of my life…I was a daddy’s girl. When I became an adult and unknowingly attracted men with his personality type, I never understood my reasoning for taking so long to leave those relationships. Because they never served me. Now I understand it’s because they felt too familiar to leave. Women truly do attract their fathers…the good aspects and the bad.

I now understand the convenience a child brings for some men, who want the option of keeping a certain female in their life. Vice versa. I, however, was a psychotic lunatic all throughout both of those long(ish) term relationships. So I had no idea why I was ever considered for the position of mother. After my healing began…I realized their reasoning stemmed from abandonment issues. Both men had unhealthy relationships with their mothers that left them feeling emotionally and physically discarded on some level. But like most people, acknowledging that is unheard of.