Grudge
These thoughts were triggered by my decision to accept the fact that experiencing the experiences I create for others…is justified…
I’ve developed an addiction to watching podcasts. The podcasts I watch are usually at least an hour, so they get me through the majority of my workday. If I didn’t stop so often to leave my opinions in the comment sections, I’d probably finish my work a lot sooner. But…whats the point of watching if I don’t say what I feel about what I watched? Trick question. My job gets enough of my time and this sacrifice of seconds is beneficial to my work morale. Even trade IMO. The issue that I’m now having is my attempt to keep my comments to one per video. And that’s a hard accomplishment because I have so many opinions. No fake outrage needed. Today I had that issue. So because I wasn’t able to vomit my excess opinions there…I’m expressing them here.
The topic was grudge holding…an action I’m very familiar with. During the podcast, the host spoke about how he has a hard time letting go of grudges. And my immediate thought was “good, no one likes a quitter”. I have many grudges lounging in the comfort of my psyche…and I have no intention of asking them to leave. Making them feel like they don’t belong would be rude and…I simply can’t stand for that kind of disrespect. A couple hours later, the thought came back into my mind’s eye. But instead of the focus being on who I’m holding a grudge towards…it flipped to who has cause to hold a grudge against me. The list is long y’all…real long. Full Disclosure: I just added someone.
I’ve offended soooooo many people in my lifetime and most times it was unintentionally done. I’ve always had a volatile relationship with words. For whatever reason, they never seem to come out in a way that’s socially acceptable. I either say the right thing at the wrong time or the wrong thing at the right time. I’ve had the long standing suspicion that I am purposely sabotaging my efforts to connect with people because…I seem to be committed to making others uncomfortable.
That statement is true in so many ways but for now, I’ll focus on the discomfort that leads to grudge holding. Beyond the shadow of even the smallest of any doubt…I’m painstakingly unapologetic for my words. Because I speak what I feel is true. I can’t say that truth is always correct but when I say it…it’s the truth as I see it in that moment. The issue is, when I’m right, it’s usually a truth that others don’t want to hear. So when I acknowledge it…I’m usually left feeling unacknowledged…and behind enemy lines.
It’s taken me a while to accept that people have the right to hold grudges against me. I can be a ‘do as I say and not as I do’ kind of person and…I’m slowly kicking that habit. But for the longest I’ve expected for people to allow me to speak whatever truth I feel needs to be said in the moment…in that moment…free of consequences. My life experiences have desensitized me to how my words may affect others. And even with that being a convenient truth…it’s still a truth. Acknowledging that I’m not the only one with feelings, shifts my perspective and allows me to give a little more grace to people. Especially members of my ‘family’.
The grace is deserved because at this point…I’ve boycotted their emotions while demanding they treat me how I deserve to be treated. I know, I have toxic tendencies. But the assignment in this is my need to accept that I’ve hurt a lot of people, in my quest to ‘enlighten’ those I feel have lost their way. In doing so…I’ve earned the grudge they give me. And my job now is to repent. Repenting isn’t asking for forgiveness and moving on though. I have to change my behavior. I just need to figure out how to tell people what I think…in a way that benefits their emotional state more than it traumatizes their ego. Send help…please.
Love,
Choosy
