Earlier today, I caught myself reminiscing about who we were to each other. That led me to glamorize our happier times and just like that, I was a big ball of emotional imbalance. Then I realized that even though I physically removed his presence, my soul is still tied to him. Because soul ties aren’t easily undone. Even with that knowing, I still judged myself harshly for still wanting him all these years later. But I now understand that I’m just feeling the same guilt I would…in an actual death. The kind that prompts you to think about what you could’ve done differently, if you put more emphasis on valuing the presence of the person who is no longer present.

Whenever I’d reach the point where my intuition left my BM’s true identity exposed, that dimple would allow her to create an ‘illness illusion’ that forced me to forget what she looked like with her mask off. This time there is too much proof that can’t be explained away by her trap house therapy sessions though. When I was a child, she was the only street pharmacist needed in these sessions. As an adult, she enlisted other make believe ‘shrinks’, to force feed me their own version of this ‘maternal medicine’. Judging from her ‘trauma twin’…that behavior is on brand.

In all actuality, all it does is incite more anger in those who desperately need guidance and direction. So after skillfully dodging the accountability that my ‘Dad’ actually wanted me to take for my own actions, I put it back on the boomers. Because what’s really shown from these exchanges, is that there are no consequences for bad behavior. And it would’ve never gotten this bad, if those put in charge of calling the plays…had the ability to use their voices when someone under their command…got ‘beside themselves’. Instead, they do what their parents did…allow life to teach lessons that they’re more than capable of giving. What a complete waste of wisdom.

I’ve spoken on ego deaths in previous posts. I’m in the process of my own as we read. But after watching that video, filled with words of wisdom, from someone who was supposed to be crippled by trauma…I realized that there are two types of ego deaths. One allows the unhealthy parts of our ego to die off in the privacy of our own homes (i.e. our mind)…and the other forces that death to be publicized for the whole community to see. My ‘Daddy’ gives us all the opportunity to experience that death in private. But when we ignore His kindness…He exposes our unwarranted pride on the big screen. How we choose to handle it from there, determines His next move.

This time…I went within. I can’t say if an irate reaction was their goal, but it definitely is a behavior they’ve come to expect from me. I’m sure a reason will eventually be given as to why this separation happened, again, and it’ll be one I can’t dispute because…it will make just enough sense to justify their actions. But the lesson in this is for me to deal with the unhealed fear I have surrounding a perceived loss…because that’s what drives my overreaction in these scenarios. The stories I have about the lengths I’ve gone to, in the past, to speak with these kids…would be a best seller all in itself. But as it stands now…God Himself will have to come down and tell me to be moved.

After feeling a sensation of fear creep up my spine earlier, I asked myself a question that catapulted me into faith. Question: What was the point of doing all this spiritual work, if you were just going to forget how much power comes with it? And the power that comes from working for God…is God. To this day, no one can touch who He has His hands on. So after my Spirit posed that question, I remembered that my fear tells God I don’t trust Him. That distrust prevents me from having the kind of relationship with Him that I desire and promotes more tough love obstacle courses. I’ve spent enough of my lifetime reinforcing the kind of fear that sucked the God given life out of me. I now choose to use fear in a way that serves me.

I reiterated the fact that buying the toy, and having our brief heart to heart, was my way of making up for not picking her up. Because my intention was never to hurt her. Then, I picked up on the overall lesson of this whole situation. My niece was attempting to hold me accountable with her attitude. By acknowledging my behavior and correcting hers…I was given the opportunity of showing her how it looks when someone assumes accountability for their actions. I took accountability for failing to show up for my niece in a way she expected me to. But in my failure…I was given the privilege of participating in her emotional growth. This is an honor…if I got it right.

Outside the presence of my niece, petty adults can engage in petty behavior. In her presence though, some level of decorum needs to be shown. I had my little sister conditioned to believe that she can get away with disrespect towards me…in front of her child. The realization that my niece is now in the preconditioning stages of this behavior scares me. And before I create another monster with my inability to lead with self-control…I decided to draw that line. I sent a text admonishing her nasty attitude and letting her know moving forward we should be cordial in front of my niece. There is no response as of yet…but underestimating her ability to catch me off guard…is still a thing.

This will be the final day of my chauffeur boundary though. I think the lesson has been learned. But today, the girls were upset. I was gaslit from start to finish and I remained out of my emotions, which once again exposed my ‘family’. Instead of holding my little sister accountable for going a year without resolving the issue that now has her dependent on my car…they chose to remind me how horrible my life must be, and how emotionally imbalanced I am. I wish I was embellishing. Midway through the day they all realized I wasn’t bending on my decision and my twin took it the hardest.

It’s taken me three days to open my laptop. My two previous attempts at seeing this project to completion, both ended like this. I always start up around November and never seem to make it past January. The triggers from my bloodline sparked my need to vomit my emotions in a way that didn’t lead me to a psych ward. And those same triggers were also the reason I gave up and turned into the unproductive version of myself…out of sheer emotional exhaustion. I said before that the majority of their triggers take place around the holidays. So by the end of January, I’m emotionally spent.

Earlier, I asked myself to create a technique that would take away my desire for that empty validation in real time. The answer that appeared was to ask myself “What will God think?”. I applied that question throughout the day to many of my thoughts that serve no purpose for growth. And right hand to my ‘Dad’…it shifted my whole aura. 80% of the thoughts that cross my mind are ones that induce insecurity or fear. Weighing in how my ‘Dad’ would view my decision to use a perfectly good brain to tear down its own infrastructure, is now putting things into perspective. And it’s giving me hope that I’ll be able to avoid another verbal sparring match with my twin. Only time will tell though.

After a couple months, I settled into the role as if it were my second full time job. And I did so, even after the trigger attempts increased from those benefiting from the responsibility swap. But proving my ability to over perform in the midst of emotional attacks…motivated me to continue. Setting my boundary was a result of me sitting in the knowing that I no longer care to prove myself. It wasn’t until after I gave up that ghost, that God showed me how I was being played. Because the same individuals who were demanding I stay in my newly assigned role, due to no one else being able to do the job…magically found other avenues to get the job done, once I quit playing my part.

I’m well aware of the type of coven/family I was born into. These people play ‘opposite day’…daily. What’s up is down and what’s down has always been sideways. Nothing is ever seen as it should be. These illusions have been cast for as long as I can remember. Before the chats, I accepted what they told me I was seeing. And now that it’s uncomfortably obvious that they aren’t able to refocus my corrected vision, they’ve dedicated their time to refocusing the vision of the kids they’re keeping me from. My ugly cry was endorsed by that fact..and the fact that my own actions placed me in this position. I was the one who decided to set this recent boundary. And I did so knowing that my decision would interrupt my communication with my niece. The wild boars in my family have come to bank on me choosing my niece over myself. Which is why she’s been at the forefront of their triggers for the last few years.

When we argue, I always walk away with an inflated ego. I pridefully replay my hurtful jokes, and go over how much sense I feel I’ve made. And that energy does nothing for my forward movement. It actually sets me back because my words incur bad karma. So while giving gratitude by way of a curtsy, I asked God to transmute my energy into love and light. I also asked for Him to give me the will to stand in an energy that felt good to Him. A few minutes later my twin sent another abrasive text. Instead of reading it, I just sent “I love u sis”. I saw the first line of the text that followed and realized she was still thriving where she’s comfortable. She doesn’t want to meet me at a vibration that feels good to me, so I turned my notifications off and finished my Yoga session.

I decided to FaceTime my niece today to talk about her performance and ultimately let her know why I will no longer be taking on a responsibility that belongs to her mother. But I was met with the discovery that I’ve been blocked…from an iPad that I bought her. My little sister often does this when I try to set a boundary that interrupts her ability to dictate how she wants me to move. I thought buying the iPad would prevent the blocked communication but…it didn’t. When I realized the block was in place, my rage urged me to run to the chat and detail all the events that had led to this point. I stopped myself though. Because my common sense told me that’s exactly what was expected. So after having a mini emotional break down, in the parking lot of the grocery store, I calmly carried on with my day.

I said before that I made a definitive decision to walk away from the ‘family’ group chats. At first, there weren’t many triggers from the Sanderson sisters (a name I coined for the trio that is my twin, mother, and little sister). Over the last week…the pretty ditzy one has started playing up the only hand she has left. Her child. Everyone in the family that has kids, has used the absence of those kids to punish me. The ditz, however, has put herself in a position of needing me. So she was forced to allow me to stay in communication. But…she’s text me her intentions to do away with my presence as soon as she no longer needs me.

There’s always been this unspoken competition between the two of us, that was constantly being fueled by my ‘BM’. I spoke on it in the group chats but we all know this was just dismissed as more ‘crazy talk’. But the silent rivalry is real. And financially, my twin used to be my toughest opponent. She was always the one taking the trips and calling me every other day with good news. While I experienced the exact opposite. But a few years ago, the playing field leveled out. Coincidently…this is also when her declaration of my mental instability appeared for the first time…in all the years we had been alive. Nevertheless, up until now, I had financial envy.

Today is the born day of my biological mother. Phrasing her title that way helps me disassociate from my natural inclination to hold her at a high esteem…so please forgive my passive aggression. Referring to her as my ‘BM’ started a couple years ago. I switched between that and calling her by her first name for a while. My propensity to offer as much disrespect as humanly possible was driven by my deep rooted disdain for her version of parenting. But God gave me a couple warnings about the first name usage…so I’m trying to default to ‘BM’ out of respect for Him.

I have no control over how long it will take me to burn off this disrespectful pudge. I do, however, have full control over how I view my current self. And pudge aside, I’m that one. Acknowledging this fact allows me to feel love for all of me….instead of just the parts that encourage instant gratification. So I looked at myself in the mirror and reinforced that I’m worthy of self-love…in every state. That pushed me closer to my ultimate goal. These ‘level-up’ opportunities are always present…if I’m looking for them. I already spent enough years plateauing at a level that took me on weekly emotional roller coaster rides. At this point, I’m determined to coast through my late 30’s with the sense God gave me…to love my reality and potential…equally.