Cloak
My insight should’ve told me that anyone bold enough to wear a cloak, needed no outside validation. So the lesson was in judging his cover wrong. I saw the ‘cloak’ and quickly associated it with the outcasted ‘emo’ kid…who was picked on in school. And my ability to project, kicked in to validate my own sense of ostracization. My assessment was incorrect this time because my compliment was more about me, than it was him. God allowed me the privilege of meeting a self-actualized individual, unfazed by my compliments, to remind me that outside validation is never the goal…when you’re simply being yourself on purpose. Lesson received…and currently being learned.
OkBye
Apparently, the demons in my bloodline now think I have a boyfriend. In their minds, a man has to be the only reason for my averted attention. Years of being lied on, purposely triggered, and ostracized never played a factor in their minds. And why would it? I went back so many times…and their behavior towards me never changed. So doubting my ability to move on without the input of another human soul…is a reasonable assumption. I, however, know that I’m doing this without a human buffer. Which is strengthening my will power, while simultaneously increasing my self-esteem.
ISWIS
My first cut happened at the age of 15. And I vividly remember the day. Nothing felt like it was as it should’ve been to my teenage mind. I couldn’t talk to any adults because there were none who were emotionally present. I couldn’t talk to my siblings because they were just as emotionally constipated as I was. So I took my sadness into my own hands and carved up my arm. I wish I could say that my mother noticed the bandage I started wearing on my forearm. But she didn’t, even though I wore it daily. It wasn’t until I went to my father’s for summer break that my step mother asked why I had it on. That’s the summer I was given my bipolar diagnosis.
T.K.O
I noticed my energy shift, but there were other factors that I figured played a role in that shift. So I did my best to dismiss the feelings until I could sort them out. When I got home…I had time to realize the impact of her statement. And shame crept over my psyche with the thought of how she’ll feel about me, when I have the inevitable conversation with her about my abortions. This isn’t something I’d do now. But because I know how freely I am discussed in front of her, by people who prefer her to view me the way they do, I started wondering if that talk should be done sooner than I anticipated.
Destruction
For years I’ve declared that God has been taking me through an ego death. I say this for many reasons. Honestly speaking, the main reason is because it sounds good. Death to an ego suggests that one has become centered and the need for worldly validation isn’t needed. I wanted to be good at this ‘Spiritual Awakening’ thing so…I said what sounded good. And God let me know reasoning like this is exactly why He gave me the flaws He did…coupled with the emotional aptitude that I have. I need to be flawed….and I need to feel that others are aware of my flaws. If it hadn’t played out this way..I wouldn’t be learning how to truly love myself for the things that others can’t see.
Petty
After wrapping my head around my own personal “Redemption Song”, I fell into the deepest sense of cockiness I’ve ever felt before in life. The power that’s behind my redemption is one that no soul can pay to call an audible on. Because God makes the plays…period. And He thought enough of me, and the other ‘crazies’, to initiate us through humiliation…in order for His name to be exalted. I, in no shape or form, have appreciated my journey more than in this moment. If for no other reason than the knowing that my trauma wasn’t in vain. I had no idea when God would back me, but I kept my stance. Thus learning that the real lesson is…the only listening ear that ever mattered…was God’s.
KattCall
I know wholeheartedly that my behavior is fueled by principle. So I only ever make it a point to say “I told you so” if the wrong being committed breaches the standard of integrity that I hold myself to. If I see someone violating that standard and I call them out on it…it’s my right to stand in my “I told u so” energy, once I receive any evidence that I was right. And the Katt Williams interview, heard round the world, was all the evidence I needed to prove to my ‘family’ that I’m not the crazy, deranged, mentally unstable person they’ve been trying to convince me that I am.
Lessons
Today, I was reintroduced to the knowing that His ways are not mine. Because if it were left up to me…I wouldn’t have lessons at all. I’d make this life as carefree as possible instead. But after surviving the last few years, I fully realize that if I lived an existence like that, I’d have no evidence that God exists. I think I’ve been too focused on how hard the lessons have been. The harder the lesson, the harder it was to trust that God actually had a plan for me…if I made it to the other side of it. And that was the lesson He was trying to get me to learn. By Him allowing me to experience what I’ve experienced, He allowed me the privilege of seeing His power.
Candor
I take regular hikes, walk nature trails and I’ve mentioned my Yoga routine. All these things allow me to connect with my inner/outer simultaneously. Which makes it easier to maintain consistent balance. I’ve lost weight over the last few months, due to my forced consistency, and I’m happy with my results. But I still eat bread, pasta, rice and peas, cookies, and potato chips like I’m in my early twenties. This has led to a long term relationship with my ‘fupa’. I lovingly refer to her as Princess Fiona (Fifi). Because by day…she’s flat from my constant sucking in’ness. By night…she is fully extended, rendering her daytime self unrecognizable.
Aloneness
But accepting their refusal to acknowledge my hurt for what it is, is causing me to walk away…for good this time. They’ll never acknowledge pain they’re purposely causing…so I don’t want the invalidation that comes with their presence anymore. And just like that…the forced group chats are no longer needed. I want to sit in this empty room, alone. Because being alone validates my sense of self love and it forces me to increase its intensity. Feeling alone just forced me to beg others for a version of love that kept me stagnant and…I don’t want that for me anymore.
Latex
My internal ‘envier’ does not take much to be aroused. I have my insecurity to thank for that. At this point my insecurities feel like a latex, full bodysuit…that I’m required to wear underneath all of my clothes, daily. So…it now knows every inch of me. And because it’s hidden from the view of others, I’ve been able to buy into my false sense of superiority. The saddest part about this truth is…everyone wears some version of these suits…and the majority stay hidden. The only reason the suits of some women become visible to me…is because I look for them.
Cope
For the last 3-4 years, I’ve been approaching my interactions with my siblings as if they should be following my lead…on how to cope with the emotional trauma that we all endured. I never took into consideration that my way of coping, which has proven to lead to abandonment, is triggering the abandonment issues we all developed…in our childhoods. As kids, we were taught we’d be met with our mother’s silence if we went against what she wanted. As we got older, that conditioning settled in and we figured out ways around being emotionally discarded by our matriarch. I was lucky enough to realize that I was being silenced either way I flipped that coin. So I escaped her ‘maternal matrix’ by speaking my mind. Thus taking the form of silence I could live with…hers.
FreeFeels
Today, I finally realize why it’s imperative for me to just feel…mid sentence. The ‘sane’ people, who feel entitled to me proving my sanity, only appear ‘sane’ because they’ve gotten so used to forgetting about the inconvenient feelings they’ve also suppressed. So much so that when faced with seeing an ‘insane’ person freely feeling their emotions…the ‘sanies’ intentionally sabotage the free feelers natural instincts to feel. Because that freeness of feeling, reminds them of the person they’ve conditioned their mind to forget that they are…human.
SoulCry
In this present moment, I don’t feel like feeling anything but gratitude/acceptance for the fact that I’m here…in this space…at this time. I’ve allowed myself to lay in spaces that feel like the exact opposite of this feeling…for days on end. So the change in course lets me know I’m moving in the right direction. In my forced appreciation, I usually allow my mind to wander off, asking ‘what will happen if I can’t stay in this feeling’? So before I allow my mind to stop to answer that question…I want to intentionally decide to apologize to my inner child for teaching her that happy emotions are fleeting.
FakeIt
My knowing that these life forms can be easily replaced, is what allowed me to become so comfortable disregarding the task I chose to take on. This detached approach to life reminded me that there hasn’t been much growth in my mentality, since my days of discarding my own seeds. I have just replaced that sacrifice of life with another version. I understand that children and plants are two entirely different species…but the sentiments are shared. Both have the ability to grow to their fullest potential, if allowed to. And both are at the mercy of those who choose to parent them.
WillPwr
A few days ago, after feeling exhausted by trying to fit an encounter into my box of attempted targeting…I discovered my will. I was given the choice to view the scenario I was in as me being the bait…or as me being given the opportunity to ‘catch’ myself. I chose the latter. Catching myself boiled down to me realizing that God allowed me the option of this experience to either feed my ego or feed my soul. Feeding my soul meant using my will to force my vision to see that I’ll never be in a situation that isn’t ordained by Him. And it also means that I’m responsible for finding the lesson God wants me to learn from it.
DeMask
It took three Christmas’ for claims I made in the first year, to become visible to those whose vision was fogged by their belief of my emotional imbalance. But a few days ago, my immediate family tried to set me up to be completely isolated from the only family member I’m still allowed to speak to…again. For whatever reason, they didn’t think I’d go straight to the group chat…displaying the range of my inner Canary. And did. I told the chat “the first two years could be written off as coincidence. But the third shows intention.
NoMoreNoLess
Having this understanding gives me insight on why it feels like my ‘mother’ is sabotaging my efforts to start this conversation. If we were to go to counseling, her parenting style would eventually be the topic of conversation. Which would require her to take accountability for past behavior that may have traumatized her seeds. To this day, my grandmother refuses to acknowledge the pain she caused my ‘mother’ and her siblings. So my ‘mother’ is giving us no more and no less.
AsIs
Accepting what is, is a fairly new adjustment technique of mine. The act allows me to let go of my heightened false sense of control. And it shifts my focus to the present moment. I’ve noticed that the easiest way to get to this space is by acknowledging that everything is exactly as God intends it to be in this moment. But truthfully speaking…acceptance is definitely an acquired taste. The journey to that feeling brings up fear, apprehension, resistance and disbelief. But if I focus hard enough on my intention…bliss, peace, happiness and serenity greet me on the other side. I’ve reached that side a few times…for a few seconds at best. But today during Yoga…I held the feeling.
No.
Fear has been the perfect reinforcer when my ‘family’ is attempting to get me to bend to their will. I’ve always been the worrier of my family and to pacify my ‘what if’ fears…I overextend myself…at the expense of myself. I’ve tried for years to put boundaries in place, so that I don’t always walk away feeling like I received the short end of the stick. But I now recognize that crossing my set boundaries, has become a ‘blood’ sport for my ‘family’ members. It’s like they purposely put me in situations where the perceived fear of what might happen if I don’t do what’s asked of me, overrides my ability to stand up for myself. And that’s because I’ve made concessions for every boundary I’ve ever set with this group of familiar strangers…and they’ve started relying on my ability to fold on myself.