Cope
These thoughts were triggered by my decision to acknowledge the inner children…of the children…of my mother…
Grace is such a pretty word. It’s a word that I love to associate myself with because it makes the giver of it appear benevolent. And it makes the receiver of it appear favored. But the art of giving it is something that should be taught by trained professionals. Because I’m still finding my footing when trying to navigate through its nuances. The word itself glides off the tongue with such ease that it convinced me the process of giving it correctly, would also be easy. When I first met its acquaintance, I was humbled by our introduction. Up until that point, I never knew it was possible to feel so seen, without simultaneously feeling judged. Being able to articulate how it feels to experience a genuine version of this act, is what opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve been giving it out wrong.
Earlier I had a revelation that the other children of my mother…were also raised by her. I know that seems like an obvious observation, but I’ve never really put the reality of it into perspective. For the last 3-4 years, I’ve been approaching my interactions with my siblings as if they should be following my lead…on how to cope with the emotional trauma that we all endured. I never took into consideration that my way of coping, which has proven to lead to abandonment, is triggering the abandonment issues we all developed…in our childhoods. As kids, we were taught we’d be met with our mother’s silence if we went against what she wanted. As we got older, that conditioning settled in and we figured out ways around being emotionally discarded by our matriarch. I was lucky enough to realize that I was being silenced either way I flipped that coin. So I escaped her ‘maternal matrix’ by speaking my mind. Thus taking the form of silence I could live with…hers.
After acknowledging that my siblings aren’t at that point yet, I had a vision of us all when we were kids. We were all too young to know anything about emotions, so we hadn’t been tainted with the knowledge that they could be used against us…by the woman who gave us life. In my vision, I was able to revisit the part of our life when our innocence was still intact…while being completely aware of what unhealed trauma awaits us all in the present. And with a waterfall of tears streaming down my eyes…I pulled everyone in for a group hug. Seeing us from that perspective gave me the ability to understand their behavior towards me all these years, without allowing the judgement from my ego to villainize them. My way of coping with what we experienced…is not theirs…and I have to be okay with that. The emotions this vision generated will set the tone on how I speak to them going forward, if the lines of communication are ever reopened. I’ll still keep them at arms distance…but real grace, for how they choose to cope, is deserved.
Love,
Choosy
