T.K.O
These thoughts were triggered by my truth…
I had the pleasure of being chin checked by a pint sized version of my younger sister today. I’m speaking purely from a figurative perspective…but the impact hit just the same. Here I was…minding my own ‘higher than thou’ business, while waiting on our food order. When a movie playing on a tv in the background caught my attention. And the chin checkers eyes followed my lead. On the screen was a very tall creature and a young girl holding an infant. The movie played in Spanish but the subtitles were in English. ‘CC’ is learning to read and the subtitles moved too quickly for her to follow, so I translated what was happening. Simply put, the creature was trying to get the little girl to allow him to use some of the infant’s blood to open a portal. My translation was that he was trying to hurt the child and the girl wouldn’t let him. The creature was holding a knife…so deductive reasoning suggested to ‘CC’…that the creature was trying to kill the child.
‘CC’ asked me what the creature was and I had no answer. After reasoning led to her assuming the child would be killed…she said “oh he must be a devil if he’s trying to kill that baby”. I shook my head in agreement and shortly after that our order was ready. I noticed my energy shift, but there were other factors that I figured played a role in that shift. So I did my best to dismiss the feelings until I could sort them out. When I got home…I had time to realize the impact of her statement. And shame crept over my psyche with the thought of how she’ll feel about me, when I have the inevitable conversation with her about my abortions. This isn’t something I’d do now. But because I know how freely I am discussed in front of her, by people who prefer her to view me the way they do, I started wondering if that talk should be done sooner than I anticipated.
But the anticipatory shame isn’t what got me. It’s my insistence of her doing the right thing in God’s eyes that’ll be the hardest to explain. Because how God might view my decision, to kill His creations, will have to be a part of the conversation. And that realization had me in the fetal position. Pun intended. The shame I anticipated happening in the future…followed her chin check with an uppercut. I’ve repented and still repent for my decisions to abort my seeds. Unfortunately, the thought of how that decision is viewed by my Father wasn’t a concern of mine back then. I take full accountability for my actions, but in my mind it was them or me and…I chose myself.
Now…I’m wondering if my familial ex-communication is warranted. This ‘separation of states’ means I’m prevented from speaking to 99% of my nieces, nephews and second cousins. So I’m wondering if God is reflecting His disdain…by showing me how it feels to establish a connection with a child…just to have it severed before it gets the chance to blossom. Which means that uppercut…was followed by a T.K.O.
Love,
Choosy
