NoMoreNoLess
These thoughts were triggered by the feeling that comes from being the parent I wish I had…
I’ve spoken on my ‘mother’s’ declaration of my bipolar diagnosis. But I’m unsure if I’ve noted that her ‘concern’ for my mental state didn’t appear, until I started the first ‘family’ group chat. In my initial text, I spoke about the cause and effect some toxic learned behaviors have on our ‘family’ unit. And I asked for us to have an open dialogue in order to prevent these behavioral patterns from being passed down to the youth of our tribe. Judging from her visceral reaction…one would think I asked her to unconditionally love me. Since then…the chats have been filled with her silence and/or her interjection of disdain for my position. In the beginning, I had kid gloves on. So I couldn’t wrap my head around why she showed so much resistance. But after changing my perspective on the situation, I now see that she refuses to have the conversation on healing with me…because her ‘mother’ refuses to have the same conversation with her. Classic ‘you can’t have what I didn’t’ energy.
In my opinion, wanting someone to have exactly what you had (or less), is a result of the perceived jealousy that will be felt…if that someone attains more. I can be the first to admit that I’ve experienced the feeling of jealousy more than a little bit. And when I’ve been at the height of that emotion, the person who I perceived to be the cause of the feeling became my target. And that person received all of my misguided anger. Having this understanding gives me insight on why it feels like my ‘mother’ is sabotaging my efforts to start this conversation. If we were to go to counseling, her parenting style would eventually be the topic of conversation. Which would require her to take accountability for past behavior that may have traumatized her seeds. To this day, my grandmother refuses to acknowledge the pain she caused my ‘mother’ and her siblings. So my ‘mother’ is giving us no more and no less.
Her voice was taken from her at a young age. When she saw me using mine in the group chat(s), she decided to repeat the same emotionally violent act of ‘silencing’…that her ‘mother’ committed against her. Her decision had nothing to do with my ‘diagnosis’…and everything to do with her need to invalidate my feelings. Understanding this is helping me wean off of my need for her validation, because the acceptance of this knowing…tells me I’ll never get it. With this acceptance, I’m essentially giving myself the closure she didn’t have…and the closure she refuses to give. Those coming behind me are being raised by people who possess the same mindset. And I’m hoping the lessons I learn will prevent them from repeating this course. This is the real way to break generational curses. For some strange reason, I feel like this is the point I wasn’t supposed to make it to. But the self-love I’ve developed…won’t allow me to settle for less. So now I have more…to spread to those who’ll need it.
Love,
Choosy
