That thought led to me realizing that not one blade of grass will ever know what it feels like to wonder if the blade next to it has a better shape. These creations just get to exist without the side of judgement that accompanies the human experience. And for a few seconds, I wished I was incarnated into an environment like that. But the awareness of my obsession with judging others brought me back to the knowing that my soul hasn’t evolved to that state of being. Because I still embody traits of the problem I’m complaining about. So peacefully existing in the ebb and flow of non judgement won’t be an option, until my soul evolves to that state. Mother Nature basically reminded me that I am where I am…because I am who I am.

I was taught that showing a more palatable version of myself in social setting represents emotional and mental stability. But how is mental stability possible, if you’re suppressing who you are…to satisfy unspoken/made-up rules? I know there are exceptions to this question. And I understand there is also a ‘time and place’ for sharing certain thoughts. But the thoughts that never seem to be appropriate to say out loud…are usually the ones that make others uncomfortable. The bout of discomfort that the creator experienced, came from something that someone else experienced. And what the over-sharer experienced is, more than likely, the shared experience of someone else who may need to hear stories like that…that validate their own.

I pride myself on how committed I am to healing my childhood/present day traumas. I’ve made it my business to illuminate the places of my psyche kept in the dark, due to the discomfort that appears when the lights come on. Most of these dark spaces are filled with unidentified emotions, birthed from having a lack of understanding in my youth’s youth. My mind registered many traumatic experiences growing up. But back then, there was no guidance on how to process the trauma. So my ability to detach allowed me to forget those traumas existed.

You would think I’d have a handle on walking the fears of my psyche, through the doors of emotional balance by now. But that door always seemed to be closed by my anxieties addiction to overloading my senses…with more fearful scenarios. It wasn’t until I started doing Yoga, a few months ago, that I was able to steady my mind enough to speak to myself in real time. Before now, it used to be a free-for-all…insert scene when Spongebob tried to clear his mind of ‘fine dining’ here. I could never get a handle on my present self while in social settings. So after I’d make it home, I’d replay the scenes I produced. And I’d always fail at attempting to figure out how to calm myself, so that I could at least enjoy some peace of mind…while in the comfort of my own company.

It takes no time for me to learn the behavioral patterns of others…but it’s taken me eons to figure out that my own tendency to gaslight…is always strongest after a perceived trigger. And this week has been filled with them. But the most obvious one came after being invited to a performance of one of my nieces. I was left in the dark, by my ‘family’, about the location of the performance being switched at the last minute. It was still in the same building…just a different part. The trigger wasn’t that my ‘immediates’ were the only members of our unit able to see the performance. It was the fact that this was a performance… resulting from an extracurricular activity… that was funded by me. Insert rage here.

I started looking at the pages who unfollowed me and noticed that these are people with tons of followers…but they barely follow anyone. And then it clicked. They follow people…on purpose…allow a few days to pass after getting a follow back…and then they unfollow said follower. In my time on Earth, I’ve gone to a lot of lengths to make it look like I’m something that I’m not. But playing a game of follow/unfollow is one low…I’m grateful I haven’t reached. I can’t say that I don’t understand the behavior though. It all boils down to a need for validation. Appearing to be more sought after then you are, creates a certain level of desirability. Which makes a person who doesn’t feel seen…feel a certain sense of importance. I relate to that. How? I’m on the internet telling my real business to real strangers.

He was wearing a well known label. But with the logo covered, it looked like a regular t-shirt. And that’s because…it was a regular t-shirt. The logo just allows our socially conditioned minds to calculate the price tag we associate with any given label. That sends a signal to our ‘need to fit in-ness’ that we should hold this otherwise ordinary shirt…in a higher esteem. It’s the weirdest cause and effect ever, but it’s one of the most successful socially acceptable mind conditioners. We all do it, and we pass the tradition to the younger generations…with little to no marketing effort from the actual brands.

I was annoyed that he now knew the details of my first sexual encounter, but that didn’t hold a candle to knowing this kind of violation existed. I wrote everything in those books, and I felt the deepest sense of exposure. When I came to, and asked why he read my dear diary… he advised my little sister had it open on the floor…to that exact page. I’m sure a lot of thought went into that explanation. Since then, I’ve come to the understanding that this invasion of privacy is a common practice for most of my ‘family’ members…at least when it comes to me. So in many ways, I’ve become conditioned to unknowingly sharing my thoughts with familiar strangers. Back then it was done without my consent and knowledge. This time, I figure I might as well do it on my own terms so…here we are.

…I spazzed out in the group chat. And I was met with more of the same dismissive overtones, from those who have been adamantly against my efforts to change the trajectory of our bloodline. These individuals, in my opinion, have many layers of unidentified/unhealed trauma from their own childhood. So acknowledging similar trauma being inflicted on the younger generation is impossible. And that knowing brought me to my knees. Because it brought up a sense of hopelessness that I haven’t felt in a while. But after sitting in that energy, I realized that up until this point…I’ve done everything except accept the state of my ‘family’s’ mindset.

These demons in my ‘family’ want so badly for me not to be who I didn’t choose to be…because they’re under the same impression I was about this title. They heard ‘chosen’ and assumed there was a red carpet that accompanied those selected for the job. But being ‘chosen’ only means you are able to transmute persecution…it doesn’t make you immune to it. And in order to learn the transmutation process, more and more persecution is required. No one would pick this position if they knew what it really entailed.