Motel6
These thoughts were triggered by a talk with my inner child…
I pride myself on how committed I am to healing my childhood/present day traumas. I’ve made it my business to illuminate the places of my psyche kept in the dark, due to the discomfort that appears when the lights come on. Most of these dark spaces are filled with unidentified emotions, birthed from having a lack of understanding in my youth’s youth. My mind registered many traumatic experiences growing up. But back then, there was no guidance on how to process the trauma. So my ability to detach allowed me to forget those traumas existed. The more I heal, the more I realize the detachment allowed me to unfriend these unwanted feelings…but that led those feelings to befriend my inner child. And unbeknownst to my adult self…my inner child has been chained to what I chose not to feel. While sitting in that dark room…waiting for me to flip the switch.
After spending many years peaking my head in and right back out of that space…I finally decided to sit in it. My decision to do so was fostered by another mini panic attack today. I was feeling uncomfortably overwhelmed by a fear my mind created. And after fighting for several minutes to do my positive self talk…I intentionally quieted my thoughts altogether. I got a solid 30 seconds in…which felt like a few years. But in that short span of time, my ‘MiniMe’ was able to turn the light on herself. And in that moment, I envisioned a younger version of myself…that I’d seen in an old picture. In this vision, she was running around in a room…refusing to be still. I attempted to get her to relax several times but she wouldn’t listen. I was finally able to hold her attention long enough to start a conversation we both needed to hear. During this internal dialogue, I became very aware of how uncomfortable our fear felt. My ‘MaxiMe’ took full ownership of the emotion and I spoke the following to my Mini…(not verbatim…but close enough).
MaxiMe:
You’re okay. Breathe. I know how this feels but I promise you are safe. I don’t even know what we are safe from, but I know in this moment we have everything we need. Just stay here. Because this moment…is the moment right after the moment that I told you that we are safe. And we’re still safe. I know you are used to not knowing what to expect. That lack of knowing makes you create all kinds of scenarios. Those scenarios are all scary because not knowing is scary. So you learned to create the scariest scenario possible because if you create the worst case…it will take your mind off the fact that not knowing makes you frantically run around in circles. But even when we didn’t know how the situation would play out…God still made sure we had everything we needed in those moments. And we have everything we need in this moment too. All you have to do is breathe baby. The next moment will take care of itself. But in this one that we are currently in…everything is exactly the way God wants it to be. I Love You.
She asked me to leave the light on…so we’re Motel 6’in it.
Love,
Choosy
