But emotional abuse was still an issue for me and the men I attracted after him. Because I still hadn’t learned the power of a soft tongue. So I kept attracting mirrors I refused to look in. During this time of solitude, I‘ve been given the opportunity to finally learn how to use my words for creation…instead of destruction. Prior to the start of my healing…I thought verbal abuse, to myself and others, meant I had power. And I was never able to satisfy my appetite. I can only imagine the emotional scars I left on my x’s. But the lesson was never to leave, heal and come back. Because going back to abuse is the biggest indicator that the lesson needs to be learned all over again.

I gave more thought to what I could do to purposefully connect to my mini-me…so that I can get closer to healing the part of me that attracts voice silencing triggers. I ended up envisioning myself sitting across from all of my inner children (me at different ages)…meditating on the mutual understanding that their thoughts are valid…and so is their voice. And the word ‘playdate’ came to mind. That phrase is usually meant to describe a date set by parents…for their children to play together. So I feel like I’m on brand because at this point, I’m the parent of multiple inner children. And it’s up to me to set aside time for their growth, by doing things to sustain their happiness.

I didn’t realize, until today, that my BM’s most recent declaration of my ‘bipolarism’, was no different than her refusal to give me the main ingredient for her Thanksgiving stuffing. I was going against what she wanted to have happen. So she took the main ingredient out of my inner circle…my ‘family’. I can clearly see that I’m without them…by using my eyesight. But when I use my isight, I’m able to come to terms with why that is. My ‘family’ doesn’t want anyone looking at the roots of our tree. They just want everyone who passes to gasp at the beauty of the imagery. I can not. So I’m learning how to find peace in only being in the company of God. Conversing with God forces me to grow…and the only conversation my family is comfortable having, revolves around maintaining stagnancy. And…I’m not a fan.

This journey to heal myself has given me the ability to make peace with my flaws. And it helped me realize that God used the isolation that resulted from them, to serve as a shield for my soul. Because an unhealed soul can’t attract a healed one. And two unhealed souls can do a lot of damage to each other. In order to become healed…I had to detach from the idea that being attached to someone, outside of myself, would magically give me a sense of love. And flowing through the rejection that my present day isolation (re)birthed, gave me the ability to give myself the kind of love I craved.

Telling the truth has left me on an island with no other option but to build my trust in self. This trust, coincidently, is what’s needed to train my thoughts in the direction of allowing my instincts to flow freely. Dealing with my family, before I started speaking my truth, was equivalent to me doing my yoga moves with my eyes open. I learned to flow with the visible dysfunction because that pacified my false sense of control. But that also destabilized my instincts. Now, I’d rather learn to find balance in the darkness…by continuing to train/trust my thoughts (the unseen). 

“I wish I had been strong enough in that moment to sit in the awkward silence. But instead…I allowed myself to seek out validation at the expense of another person.”

I’ve been attempting to write a blog since 2020. I have two failed attempts behind me and I’m hoping the third is charmed by my commitment to this delusion. I’m probably one of the most private people you’ll ever come in contact with but…the desire to document my day to day experiences, for others to read, keeps reaching out to me. Normally I’m not this self-involved but my Bipolar diagnosis…and my recent excommunication from my ‘family’, that resulted from my inability to control my ‘mania’, feels like it’ll be a good read.