Confession(s)
These thoughts were triggered by regression…
I have a confession. My presence has reemerged in the family group chat….devours fingernails. I swear I wasn’t trying to go back though. My fingers…just started typing…and 30+ texts later…is where you’ve found me. I was doing soooo good. But after hearing that the abuser, in the latest failed trigger, was selling herself as the victim to the child involved…I derailed all the way off the track. I have plenty of experience with these ‘outbursts’ of mine ending badly…but I still jumped face first into my tornado of emotions. At first it was just me airing my frustration and giving the real story. Because my BM’s youngest altered her version. My frustration wasn’t for the lie that was told, because I don’t expect anything more from them. My frustration was in feeling the real time transmission of said lie…which misled the ears of a child that hasn’t fully developed her deductive reasoning skills. And this lie was told, solely for the shaping of this child’s perception of me. In an effort for it to align with the perception shared by the rest of the members in this three ring circus.
I have another confession. This is actually Day 2 of the chat. I know…I was rooting for me too. I almost got through the night. But old habits bring nostalgia…right? Yesterday, I screamed into that empty room filled with people…because no one was fazed by my fury. But today, after I got into the similarities of the traumatic familial relationship I’ve been in for the last four years and the physically abusive relationship I stayed in in my late twenties…my twin entered the chat. She only inserts herself when she sees I’m making too much sense. A trait shared between 90% of my siblings. We’re sisters..so the resulting exchanges were a bit contentious. Our ‘twinship’ significantly increased the pettiness though. I won’t lie…this exchange lasted a few hours. And at first, I met her where she was. We both kept exiting and reappearing because..why not? But after I finished work, I decided to occupy my own free time. By then, all of the low blows had been thrown and my ego was satisfied with the outcome. It wasn’t until I started my Yoga session that I realized what had actually taken place.
My twin is the kind of person that’s only comfortable existing in her angry emotions. I attribute her inability to freely display softness, to my mothers inability. She’s the product. And when I engage her obsession with questioning my mental stability, I only feel led to meet her where she is. I have obliged her in this tussle of toxicity for a long time, but today I caught on to the set up. When we argue, I always walk away with an inflated ego. I pridefully replay my hurtful jokes, and go over how much sense I feel I’ve made. And that energy does nothing for my forward movement. It actually sets me back because my words incur bad karma. So while giving gratitude by way of a curtsy, I asked God to transmute my energy into love and light. I also asked for Him to give me the will to stand in an energy that felt good to Him. A few minutes later my twin sent another abrasive text. Instead of reading it, I just sent “I love u sis”. I saw the first line of the text that followed and realized she was still thriving where she’s comfortable. She doesn’t want to meet me at a vibration that feels good to me, so I turned my notifications off and finished my Yoga session. Which made room for Him to continue with the answering of my prayer…and it chipped away at another piece of this ego.
Love,
Choosy
