Earlier, I asked myself to create a technique that would take away my desire for that empty validation in real time. The answer that appeared was to ask myself “What will God think?”. I applied that question throughout the day to many of my thoughts that serve no purpose for growth. And right hand to my ‘Dad’…it shifted my whole aura. 80% of the thoughts that cross my mind are ones that induce insecurity or fear. Weighing in how my ‘Dad’ would view my decision to use a perfectly good brain to tear down its own infrastructure, is now putting things into perspective. And it’s giving me hope that I’ll be able to avoid another verbal sparring match with my twin. Only time will tell though.

After a couple months, I settled into the role as if it were my second full time job. And I did so, even after the trigger attempts increased from those benefiting from the responsibility swap. But proving my ability to over perform in the midst of emotional attacks…motivated me to continue. Setting my boundary was a result of me sitting in the knowing that I no longer care to prove myself. It wasn’t until after I gave up that ghost, that God showed me how I was being played. Because the same individuals who were demanding I stay in my newly assigned role, due to no one else being able to do the job…magically found other avenues to get the job done, once I quit playing my part.

I’m well aware of the type of coven/family I was born into. These people play ‘opposite day’…daily. What’s up is down and what’s down has always been sideways. Nothing is ever seen as it should be. These illusions have been cast for as long as I can remember. Before the chats, I accepted what they told me I was seeing. And now that it’s uncomfortably obvious that they aren’t able to refocus my corrected vision, they’ve dedicated their time to refocusing the vision of the kids they’re keeping me from. My ugly cry was endorsed by that fact..and the fact that my own actions placed me in this position. I was the one who decided to set this recent boundary. And I did so knowing that my decision would interrupt my communication with my niece. The wild boars in my family have come to bank on me choosing my niece over myself. Which is why she’s been at the forefront of their triggers for the last few years.

When we argue, I always walk away with an inflated ego. I pridefully replay my hurtful jokes, and go over how much sense I feel I’ve made. And that energy does nothing for my forward movement. It actually sets me back because my words incur bad karma. So while giving gratitude by way of a curtsy, I asked God to transmute my energy into love and light. I also asked for Him to give me the will to stand in an energy that felt good to Him. A few minutes later my twin sent another abrasive text. Instead of reading it, I just sent “I love u sis”. I saw the first line of the text that followed and realized she was still thriving where she’s comfortable. She doesn’t want to meet me at a vibration that feels good to me, so I turned my notifications off and finished my Yoga session.

I decided to FaceTime my niece today to talk about her performance and ultimately let her know why I will no longer be taking on a responsibility that belongs to her mother. But I was met with the discovery that I’ve been blocked…from an iPad that I bought her. My little sister often does this when I try to set a boundary that interrupts her ability to dictate how she wants me to move. I thought buying the iPad would prevent the blocked communication but…it didn’t. When I realized the block was in place, my rage urged me to run to the chat and detail all the events that had led to this point. I stopped myself though. Because my common sense told me that’s exactly what was expected. So after having a mini emotional break down, in the parking lot of the grocery store, I calmly carried on with my day.

I said before that I made a definitive decision to walk away from the ‘family’ group chats. At first, there weren’t many triggers from the Sanderson sisters (a name I coined for the trio that is my twin, mother, and little sister). Over the last week…the pretty ditzy one has started playing up the only hand she has left. Her child. Everyone in the family that has kids, has used the absence of those kids to punish me. The ditz, however, has put herself in a position of needing me. So she was forced to allow me to stay in communication. But…she’s text me her intentions to do away with my presence as soon as she no longer needs me.

There’s always been this unspoken competition between the two of us, that was constantly being fueled by my ‘BM’. I spoke on it in the group chats but we all know this was just dismissed as more ‘crazy talk’. But the silent rivalry is real. And financially, my twin used to be my toughest opponent. She was always the one taking the trips and calling me every other day with good news. While I experienced the exact opposite. But a few years ago, the playing field leveled out. Coincidently…this is also when her declaration of my mental instability appeared for the first time…in all the years we had been alive. Nevertheless, up until now, I had financial envy.

Today is the born day of my biological mother. Phrasing her title that way helps me disassociate from my natural inclination to hold her at a high esteem…so please forgive my passive aggression. Referring to her as my ‘BM’ started a couple years ago. I switched between that and calling her by her first name for a while. My propensity to offer as much disrespect as humanly possible was driven by my deep rooted disdain for her version of parenting. But God gave me a couple warnings about the first name usage…so I’m trying to default to ‘BM’ out of respect for Him.

I have no control over how long it will take me to burn off this disrespectful pudge. I do, however, have full control over how I view my current self. And pudge aside, I’m that one. Acknowledging this fact allows me to feel love for all of me….instead of just the parts that encourage instant gratification. So I looked at myself in the mirror and reinforced that I’m worthy of self-love…in every state. That pushed me closer to my ultimate goal. These ‘level-up’ opportunities are always present…if I’m looking for them. I already spent enough years plateauing at a level that took me on weekly emotional roller coaster rides. At this point, I’m determined to coast through my late 30’s with the sense God gave me…to love my reality and potential…equally.

My insight should’ve told me that anyone bold enough to wear a cloak, needed no outside validation. So the lesson was in judging his cover wrong. I saw the ‘cloak’ and quickly associated it with the outcasted ‘emo’ kid…who was picked on in school. And my ability to project, kicked in to validate my own sense of ostracization. My assessment was incorrect this time because my compliment was more about me, than it was him. God allowed me the privilege of meeting a self-actualized individual, unfazed by my compliments, to remind me that outside validation is never the goal…when you’re simply being yourself on purpose. Lesson received…and currently being learned.

Apparently, the demons in my bloodline now think I have a boyfriend. In their minds, a man has to be the only reason for my averted attention. Years of being lied on, purposely triggered, and ostracized never played a factor in their minds. And why would it? I went back so many times…and their behavior towards me never changed. So doubting my ability to move on without the input of another human soul…is a reasonable assumption. I, however, know that I’m doing this without a human buffer. Which is strengthening my will power, while simultaneously increasing my self-esteem.

My first cut happened at the age of 15. And I vividly remember the day. Nothing felt like it was as it should’ve been to my teenage mind. I couldn’t talk to any adults because there were none who were emotionally present. I couldn’t talk to my siblings because they were just as emotionally constipated as I was. So I took my sadness into my own hands and carved up my arm. I wish I could say that my mother noticed the bandage I started wearing on my forearm. But she didn’t, even though I wore it daily. It wasn’t until I went to my father’s for summer break that my step mother asked why I had it on. That’s the summer I was given my bipolar diagnosis.

I noticed my energy shift, but there were other factors that I figured played a role in that shift. So I did my best to dismiss the feelings until I could sort them out. When I got home…I had time to realize the impact of her statement. And shame crept over my psyche with the thought of how she’ll feel about me, when I have the inevitable conversation with her about my abortions. This isn’t something I’d do now. But because I know how freely I am discussed in front of her, by people who prefer her to view me the way they do, I started wondering if that talk should be done sooner than I anticipated.

For years I’ve declared that God has been taking me through an ego death. I say this for many reasons. Honestly speaking, the main reason is because it sounds good. Death to an ego suggests that one has become centered and the need for worldly validation isn’t needed. I wanted to be good at this ‘Spiritual Awakening’ thing so…I said what sounded good. And God let me know reasoning like this is exactly why He gave me the flaws He did…coupled with the emotional aptitude that I have. I need to be flawed….and I need to feel that others are aware of my flaws. If it hadn’t played out this way..I wouldn’t be learning how to truly love myself for the things that others can’t see.