In this present moment, I don’t feel like feeling anything but gratitude/acceptance for the fact that I’m here…in this space…at this time. I’ve allowed myself to lay in spaces that feel like the exact opposite of this feeling…for days on end. So the change in course lets me know I’m moving in the right direction. In my forced appreciation, I usually allow my mind to wander off, asking ‘what will happen if I can’t stay in this feeling’? So before I allow my mind to stop to answer that question…I want to intentionally decide to apologize to my inner child for teaching her that happy emotions are fleeting.

My knowing that these life forms can be easily replaced, is what allowed me to become so comfortable disregarding the task I chose to take on. This detached approach to life reminded me that there hasn’t been much growth in my mentality, since my days of discarding my own seeds. I have just replaced that sacrifice of life with another version. I understand that children and plants are two entirely different species…but the sentiments are shared. Both have the ability to grow to their fullest potential, if allowed to. And both are at the mercy of those who choose to parent them.

It took three Christmas’ for claims I made in the first year, to become visible to those whose vision was fogged by their belief of my emotional imbalance. But a few days ago, my immediate family tried to set me up to be completely isolated from the only family member I’m still allowed to speak to…again. For whatever reason, they didn’t think I’d go straight to the group chat…displaying the range of my inner Canary. And did. I told the chat “the first two years could be written off as coincidence. But the third shows intention.

Having this understanding gives me insight on why it feels like my ‘mother’ is sabotaging my efforts to start this conversation. If we were to go to counseling, her parenting style would eventually be the topic of conversation. Which would require her to take accountability for past behavior that may have traumatized her seeds. To this day, my grandmother refuses to acknowledge the pain she caused my ‘mother’ and her siblings. So my ‘mother’ is giving us no more and no less.

Accepting what is, is a fairly new adjustment technique of mine. The act allows me to let go of my heightened false sense of control. And it shifts my focus to the present moment. I’ve noticed that the easiest way to get to this space is by acknowledging that everything is exactly as God intends it to be in this moment. But truthfully speaking…acceptance is definitely an acquired taste. The journey to that feeling brings up fear, apprehension, resistance and disbelief. But if I focus hard enough on my intention…bliss, peace, happiness and serenity greet me on the other side. I’ve reached that side a few times…for a few seconds at best. But today during Yoga…I held the feeling.

Fear has been the perfect reinforcer when my ‘family’ is attempting to get me to bend to their will. I’ve always been the worrier of my family and to pacify my ‘what if’ fears…I overextend myself…at the expense of myself. I’ve tried for years to put boundaries in place, so that I don’t always walk away feeling like I received the short end of the stick. But I now recognize that crossing my set boundaries, has become a ‘blood’ sport for my ‘family’ members. It’s like they purposely put me in situations where the perceived fear of what might happen if I don’t do what’s asked of me, overrides my ability to stand up for myself. And that’s because I’ve made concessions for every boundary I’ve ever set with this group of familiar strangers…and they’ve started relying on my ability to fold on myself.

That thought led to me realizing that not one blade of grass will ever know what it feels like to wonder if the blade next to it has a better shape. These creations just get to exist without the side of judgement that accompanies the human experience. And for a few seconds, I wished I was incarnated into an environment like that. But the awareness of my obsession with judging others brought me back to the knowing that my soul hasn’t evolved to that state of being. Because I still embody traits of the problem I’m complaining about. So peacefully existing in the ebb and flow of non judgement won’t be an option, until my soul evolves to that state. Mother Nature basically reminded me that I am where I am…because I am who I am.

I was taught that showing a more palatable version of myself in social setting represents emotional and mental stability. But how is mental stability possible, if you’re suppressing who you are…to satisfy unspoken/made-up rules? I know there are exceptions to this question. And I understand there is also a ‘time and place’ for sharing certain thoughts. But the thoughts that never seem to be appropriate to say out loud…are usually the ones that make others uncomfortable. The bout of discomfort that the creator experienced, came from something that someone else experienced. And what the over-sharer experienced is, more than likely, the shared experience of someone else who may need to hear stories like that…that validate their own.

I pride myself on how committed I am to healing my childhood/present day traumas. I’ve made it my business to illuminate the places of my psyche kept in the dark, due to the discomfort that appears when the lights come on. Most of these dark spaces are filled with unidentified emotions, birthed from having a lack of understanding in my youth’s youth. My mind registered many traumatic experiences growing up. But back then, there was no guidance on how to process the trauma. So my ability to detach allowed me to forget those traumas existed.

You would think I’d have a handle on walking the fears of my psyche, through the doors of emotional balance by now. But that door always seemed to be closed by my anxieties addiction to overloading my senses…with more fearful scenarios. It wasn’t until I started doing Yoga, a few months ago, that I was able to steady my mind enough to speak to myself in real time. Before now, it used to be a free-for-all…insert scene when Spongebob tried to clear his mind of ‘fine dining’ here. I could never get a handle on my present self while in social settings. So after I’d make it home, I’d replay the scenes I produced. And I’d always fail at attempting to figure out how to calm myself, so that I could at least enjoy some peace of mind…while in the comfort of my own company.

It takes no time for me to learn the behavioral patterns of others…but it’s taken me eons to figure out that my own tendency to gaslight…is always strongest after a perceived trigger. And this week has been filled with them. But the most obvious one came after being invited to a performance of one of my nieces. I was left in the dark, by my ‘family’, about the location of the performance being switched at the last minute. It was still in the same building…just a different part. The trigger wasn’t that my ‘immediates’ were the only members of our unit able to see the performance. It was the fact that this was a performance… resulting from an extracurricular activity… that was funded by me. Insert rage here.

I started looking at the pages who unfollowed me and noticed that these are people with tons of followers…but they barely follow anyone. And then it clicked. They follow people…on purpose…allow a few days to pass after getting a follow back…and then they unfollow said follower. In my time on Earth, I’ve gone to a lot of lengths to make it look like I’m something that I’m not. But playing a game of follow/unfollow is one low…I’m grateful I haven’t reached. I can’t say that I don’t understand the behavior though. It all boils down to a need for validation. Appearing to be more sought after then you are, creates a certain level of desirability. Which makes a person who doesn’t feel seen…feel a certain sense of importance. I relate to that. How? I’m on the internet telling my real business to real strangers.

He was wearing a well known label. But with the logo covered, it looked like a regular t-shirt. And that’s because…it was a regular t-shirt. The logo just allows our socially conditioned minds to calculate the price tag we associate with any given label. That sends a signal to our ‘need to fit in-ness’ that we should hold this otherwise ordinary shirt…in a higher esteem. It’s the weirdest cause and effect ever, but it’s one of the most successful socially acceptable mind conditioners. We all do it, and we pass the tradition to the younger generations…with little to no marketing effort from the actual brands.

I was annoyed that he now knew the details of my first sexual encounter, but that didn’t hold a candle to knowing this kind of violation existed. I wrote everything in those books, and I felt the deepest sense of exposure. When I came to, and asked why he read my dear diary… he advised my little sister had it open on the floor…to that exact page. I’m sure a lot of thought went into that explanation. Since then, I’ve come to the understanding that this invasion of privacy is a common practice for most of my ‘family’ members…at least when it comes to me. So in many ways, I’ve become conditioned to unknowingly sharing my thoughts with familiar strangers. Back then it was done without my consent and knowledge. This time, I figure I might as well do it on my own terms so…here we are.

…I spazzed out in the group chat. And I was met with more of the same dismissive overtones, from those who have been adamantly against my efforts to change the trajectory of our bloodline. These individuals, in my opinion, have many layers of unidentified/unhealed trauma from their own childhood. So acknowledging similar trauma being inflicted on the younger generation is impossible. And that knowing brought me to my knees. Because it brought up a sense of hopelessness that I haven’t felt in a while. But after sitting in that energy, I realized that up until this point…I’ve done everything except accept the state of my ‘family’s’ mindset.

These demons in my ‘family’ want so badly for me not to be who I didn’t choose to be…because they’re under the same impression I was about this title. They heard ‘chosen’ and assumed there was a red carpet that accompanied those selected for the job. But being ‘chosen’ only means you are able to transmute persecution…it doesn’t make you immune to it. And in order to learn the transmutation process, more and more persecution is required. No one would pick this position if they knew what it really entailed.