Insight is a gift that most people can’t afford. Because in order to possess it…you have to let go of the seeing is believing mentality. Fitting in with societal standards requires proof of privilege though. Which means ulterior motives can go undetected…if they’re masked by materialism. Blindly buying into what I saw, is what stunted the growth of my intuition for so long. And my (third eye) vision wasn’t restored, until I learned that real motion is sensed…not seen. But this world moves on the axis of appearances. So presentation will continue to be the tool that prevents the discovery of intent, if our discernment remains easily distracted…by our sight.

Effort is everything to me…because it requires you to put action behind thought. So showing me you care, will always mean more than just using your words…to make me think you do. I had a few situations where this was done for me over the last couple weeks. But I was bothered asf by the action figure, so I didn’t put my feelings on display. And before thoughts of taking them off the shelves indefinitely set in, I was shown the kind of effort…that stopped me dead in my tracks. Because what was in front of me…reflected words I’ve said in the past, that I assumed were overlooked. Which took away all the desire I pretended to have…for new soul shopping.

**To Whom It May Concern**

I Owe yoU’s aren’t usually the kind of vows you make to someone you care about unconditionally. Real bonds are stamped with seals that won’t break. So failing to return a favor doesn’t strengthen/weaken it because…tabs aren’t kept. But reciprocity is my love language. And there’s an energy that has had me locked in with them for a while…souly based off their contribution to my spiritual growth. Before this connection…I never had tangible evidence that I know what I know…before I’m supposed to know it. My ‘family’ could’ve been my source of confirmation, but they chose to gaslight tf out of me. Which is why this need to put action behind those three words…is so strong.

The deeper my feelings are involved, the less effort it takes…to make my Left Eye jump. Which is why I have a history of over reacting to small things, behind my bloods. I never really noticed this habit…but they picked up on my pattern a while ago. So when I had to start distancing myself from my feelings for them, they retaliated by setting up spiritual stake outs…that were meant to trigger outer body experiences. And I gave them the show they wanted…every time. These energy vamp fires used to engulf all of my emotions. But I learned how to control them better, once I understood that their compulsion with getting a reaction…was their way of figuring out if I still care.

Dealing with individuals who have a heightened sense of self is draining…asf. Because the ego that comes with the egregiousness of this entitlement, forces us to ignore where our pOWeR actually comes from. (God.) I see a lot of these types pretending to be familiar with a higher power when it’s convenient though. It’s almost like they use God’s grace as a navigation key to the green. And once the top of the game is reached, behavior begins to reflect a character that was thought to be hidden from Him. Atp, humility becomes an acquired taste. So someone is sent in to test hearts. Which usually results in us being humbled…by the person that we least expect.

My maturity took a while to…mature. And in that time, I rage reacted to triggers…that were meant to teach me self-control. I always excused my behavior because I was responding to what I perceived as intellectual instigation. To me, shots were being fired at my mental. So I felt entitled to let out every emotion that came to mind. Which was a trap. Because my irrational reactions just exposed my dependency on trauma responses, birthed from my inability to set boundaries…with myself. I honestly saw my ability to be verbally violent as a strength. But I was actually being baited into revealing all my weakness…through my war of words.

Making the same mistakes from my past has delayed most of my present day progress. I was convinced that my commitment to doing what I knew was wrong…would eventually lead me in the right direction. Even though I never got any proof to back that belief. A while ago, I started noticing that these oPpORtuNiTiEs for obstacle creations…always appear when I align my mindset with staying on course. Laying up with what was least expected of me, would’ve been safer. But my ego’s obsession with taking these long shots, superseded logic. And my recklessness used to convince me there was worth in these risks. Until I started focusing on the position I want be in…in the future.

Last night I let myself feel the unsatisfying things I’ve been refusing to acknowledge. Tear shed followed the feelings. And guidance followed the blinking baptismal. Half way through it, I heard “surrender, don’t succumb”. Which helped refocus my attention on the bigger picture…my purpose. I’ve had issues accepting that I came to Earth to feel pain, for the soul purpose of learning how to heal from it…so I can write about the process. But after years of being unable to talk God out of His decision, I cHoSE to surrender to His will. Instead of succumbing to the man made circumstances, that were created to break me. Which is what was needed to put me back in alignment…with my assignment.

Desperation is a distraction…that has the attention of a lot of singulars. The idea of being coupled is more appealing than solo cuffing. So the race to pin down that one, becomes a priority for those who can’t stand aloneness. Energy like this has women DM sliding…and men Homer Simpsoning. Which gives…unnatural. Fortunately, circumstances have made my solitude so satisfying…that being with someone seems inconvenient. And I think it birthed an avoidant attachment dating style, that has me showing up as the worst parts of my personality…just to escape real connections. Because my logic told me that I can’t be hurt…if you’re too preoccupied with figuring out why I keep trying to hurt you.

I don’t think I’ll ever get comfortable with having my toxicity mirrored back to me. The imagery feels unnecessarily aggressive and…it makes me uncomfortable. I want to say I immediately accept accountability when I see me staring back at myself but…I have strong redirection reflexes. So I find fault…in fault being found in me. And if what I see resembles a trait that I despise in either of my biologicals, I retaliate against the reflector. It’s a coping mechanism that’s immature…but effective. Because my happiness has been dependent on the desperation I have, for feeling like my adult behavior is better than theirs. But my mirror still isn’t giving that…so I find ways to break it. To avoid facing reality.

Speaking indirectly is a non negotiable in most messy situations. Attaching names can draw in too much attention…and not everyone is deserving of that type of spotlight. If you’ve mastered the skill of subtlety…the shot only hits its intended target. But if you’re too caught up in your emotions to lead with logic, the offense intended for one…penetrates the psyches of people who have no involvement. Which is why I see sub culture as a cure and a curse…when you get past a certain age. Because it requires you to adolescently address…adult issues. Has my position on this stopped my involvement? Oh ugh ugh. Some stray shade is worth the casualties that come with it…if there’s an underlying lesson.

Feeding into temptation is one of my toxic traits. My apple fell directly underneath its tree…so ‘don’t’ usually looks like ‘please do more of’ to me. Which keeps injecting chaos…into the calmness that I’m trying to cultivate. And…I’m doing it again. I usually feel obligated to give myself grace, whenever I invite this type of confusion back in. But today I felt tempted to challenge my toxicity. Because gentle (re)parenting clearly doesn’t work on me. Coddling my consciousness, just encourages me to keep excusing behavior…that I feel genetically predisposed to. So I decided to start forfeiting forgiveness, until actual change takes place.

My body has been speaking up for herself lately…in ways that made it impossible to ignore her. The tension that came with being separated from a bond that brings me happiness…had my stress overly excited. So my heart was trying to overcompensate, for all the pressure that this break from my ‘blood’ had me under. When this happens, I usually distract my mind by engaging in Gang (Goofy) activity. Because that gives me temporary relief. But experience has taught me…that would’ve just prolonged my social distance…from the person I actually wanted to talk to. Which forced me to meditate more…so I could comfortably carry that weight away from my heart…and through to my artistry.

A while ago my BM’s mom told me that I changed positions in my BM’s womb…which prevented my twin from being choked out by an umbilical cord. This led to me being born second…and feet first. It’s the only birth story I’ve ever been told…but my BM claims she doesn’t remember it. Shocking. Growing up, we never had a normal twin bond. And I tuned our toxicity out…until she made the infamous 2021 chat comment: “Sorry you’ll never be the chosen one…”. She still hasn’t given a logical explanation for why she said it. But after witnessing her subsequent fanatical fixation with my familial death by disownment…I see why I positioned myself in a way that had us enter this world…opp-ositionally.

I’ve never been a good bluffer…because I’ve always shown my emotions through my expressions. So even if I refuse to say how I feel…it’s usually easy to pull my card at first glance. But lately I’ve been confusing everybody…and myself. Because I’ll be in the middle of a mental state that screams sadistic psychopath…but when I look at my reflection…my facials give complete calmness. And…ion know how to feel about that. I want to attribute it to the fact that I’m finally starting to accept the handler bar hierarchy that I was born into. Which is now forcing me to conceal carry. Unfortunately, I think I’m just numb…from constantly pretending I don’t feel…exactly how I do.

Earlier, a memory resurfaced of an argument I had with my dad when I was in my 20s. Back then I had no idea that the concept of emotional intelligence existed. So razor blade rebuttals usually replaced my ability to articulate hurt feelings. I was mid double down on my disrespect when he yelled at me…for the first time in my life. All he said was “enough”, but that one word made me cut him off for months. I want to feel recall remorse for my behavior. But…I wasn’t raised to communicate effectively. I literally just taught myself how to last year. Now, I can’t stop thinking about the kind of bond we could’ve built…if I had learned how to escape my tongue of entitlement sooner.

Blocking energies from my emotions comes easy to me…when I don’t benefit from being emotional. My feelings hurt easily when I involve them with people I care about. So learning how to ghost them on command was mandatory. ………….I don’t like forcing my feelings to hide themselves though. It takes the fun out of my femininity by requiring me to be stoic…instead of submissive to my true nature. I like being soft, I like being vulnerable and I love being nurturing. But those chromosomal qualities aren’t comfortable showing their true colors…in toxic environments. Because toxicity breeds trauma. And trauma bonds only benefit energies…who require dysfunction to function.

Yes…I’m still bothered. No…I’m not in a rush to get over it. Because letting go doesn’t erase the fact that the only way to be a member of my ‘family’…is by shrinking myself…to fit in with their mentality. When I first started the Gang Goofy chat, half of them wanted to fight me over what I said I saw in them…and the other half begged me to get on “manic” medication. But 5 years later…everything I called out has been proven true…through their behavior. Which either makes me a psychic…or a polygraph. Atp, they’re still muted. And now I’m starting to wonder if this microaggression is just a result of the guilt they feel, for being so loud and wrong about my gift.

“I felt like text tussling today…but I refuse to thumbs down the chat. That’s what’s expected of me every time my ‘family’ simulates the removal of my vocal cords so…I’m choosing to sit with my silence. Which was making me angrier. Then the words “it’s okay to let go” interrupted one of my thoughts. The obviousness of that sentence felt like blatant disrespect. Until I added “of”…and made a list of everything my silence is allowing to go unchecked. I was expecting to feel this miraculous shift in my energy but…that’s not how healing works. So I allowed the fullness of my feelings to mark off each box…with no expectation of immediate gratification. By the time I finished…I finally understood why forgiveness isn’t for the other person.”

Idk why no one listens to me. I go out my way to cosplay coyness. But atp, it feels like I have to be a b!tc# to be heard. Which also gets me nowhere. So I opted out of using my words to spazz on my sister, after she replied with block threats…instead of confirming/denying whether my niece is good. Because…ion got it. I did text the Sanderson Sister chat though…to ask if they knew anything. And…my twin removed herself. I added her back to put emphasis on how ”I keep getting better”…after being 5 years in on their moon cycle triggers. Then, she removed herself again. Now I’m trying to process how everyone spent years getting off on intentionally inciting my mania…just to go mute when I finally came…to my senses.