RaiseHerBlade
Reparenting…through lived experiences…
Earlier, a memory resurfaced of an argument I had with my dad when I was in my 20s. Back then I had no idea that the concept of emotional intelligence existed. So razor blade rebuttals usually replaced my ability to articulate hurt feelings. I was mid double down on my disrespect when he yelled at me…for the first time in my life. All he said was “enough”, but that one word made me cut him off for months. I want to feel recall remorse for my behavior. But…I wasn’t raised to communicate effectively. I literally just taught myself how to last year. Now, I can’t stop thinking about the kind of bond we could’ve built…if I had learned how to escape my tongue of entitlement sooner.
Coming to the realization that so many years were wasted between us is a lot. We had tons of disagreements that could’ve been respectfully resolved, if either of us knew how to have an emotionally expansive conversation. And we went even more years not speaking…over our inability to admit our part in our problems. We wasted so much time sitting in our stubbornness. Because neither one of us had the ability to tap into emotions that made us uncomfortable. The person I am now would’ve been able to push past my pride in order to address our elephants. But as much as I want to take ownership for our past chaotic communication…I wasn’t the parent.
Which is where my rage stems from. I’ve always had anger for not being given the tools necessary to express myself. So he got all the toxicity that I did have. Then I get even angrier when I remember how open he was to having the hard conversations, prior to his euthanization. Because I was nowhere near the kind of mentality needed…to be receptive to that. All I could offer was resentment…for my inability to forgive him…for how I felt he failed me as a father. Now that I’ve tamed my tongue and can visualize the kind of relationship that was possible between us…I’m annoyed asf. But there’s nothing I can do about it because my self-induced awakening…came long after his departure from this existence.
Love,
Choosy
