“I’ve had issues showing my hand through my initial reaction to things. So when my little sister said “I wonder how that would’ve looked.”, in response to me expressing my belief that they’ve been trying to get me to off myself…I forced my reaction to be void of the pain that sentence induced. She was in her feelings because I gave her another “no” today and after our exchange…I had to release them. Because I realized that everyone in my immediate ‘family’ responds similarly to my refusal to be who they expect. I have years worth of group chats to validate this. But it took seeing her response…to fully come to terms with the fact that this is not my family. And it was never my responsibility to be the first in our bloodline to save them…from who they choose to be.”

“I have a problem…refusing to stop trying to find problems where there are none. It honestly feels like I’ve been programmed to anticipate the worst…even when things are at their best. Which is why I’m so quick to drop everything and leave when I feel like something’s off. I got tired of being surprised by trauma, so my solution has been to anticipate it before it arrives. But this usually turns me into the traumatizer because illusionary issues are all my perception sees sometimes. Can I simplify this toxicity? 1…2…4% of the time…I create problems that have no solution because there are no problems. And admitting that I’m the problematic problem addict is bothering me. Because it makes me feel like…i’M tHe pRoBLem.”

“I’m not sure “what tf is go’ins on”. But all the people who my intuition told me sleep with sacrifice…have simultaneously started refusing to stop proving me right. So…I sat back and let the situation with my niece play itself out. And this morning…she FT’d me. It’s the 2nd time I’ve been allowed to talk to her in 2 weeks and just like the first call…after we hung up I got a text from my sister asking me to play pick up. Which triggered another Thumb and Thumber performance. My little sister ended up sending another screenshot trying to prove one thing…while unknowingly showing how she tries to trigger my mania. Midway through our bONdiNg session…I went back to the Gang Goofy chat. Because these hoes really are trying to sacrifice my mental stability…to this day.”

“A while back my mindset asked me to stop trying to fit in with people…fixated on staying in shape with societal norms. Which severed my connection to cookie cutters. Now, I spend my time emotionally investing in people who are comfortably aligned with their rough edges. Because this energy has the kind of emotional depth that feels worthy of the kind of love I give. The freeness of a spirit like this feels so good…that I almost always develop an addiction to the energy. My obsession is slightly self-serving because being locked in with this type of soul…unlocks parts of my soul that I haven’t accessed yet. And the spiritual connection that’s birthed from this hook up…always forces an equal exchange of elevation…that I feen for.”

“I knew my ‘family’ was going to be back on ball sacks when I decided to start saying ‘no’ more than I say ‘yes’. So earlier when my little sister threatened to off herself after I told her I had too much work to play chauffeur…I moved around the manipulation they’re used to me falling for. Now I see why it’s been so hard to set boundaries with them. Because any pushback I give on helping make their lives easier…turns into a life or death situation that I’m blamed for. She ended up blocking me after writing her fiNaL text, so I went to the chat to detail this new Goofy Gang Banging tactic. But still no response. Situations like this would normally make me bend to their will. This time I left the ones who willfully signed up for the role of ‘mom’…to sing their woe is me’s in the carpool lane.”

“I rarely sleep through the night because my body always wakes me up around 3am. I used to lay in aggravation until I fell back asleep…but a couple years ago I started meditating. I usually focus on deep breathing while thinking about whatever comes to mind. But I noticed whenever I concentrate on blocking everything out, the rest of my day is peaceful…irrespective of what’s warring with me. So I purposely did this last night. Because my feelings had me wrapped around their fingers. Earlier they politely asked me to act on the psychologically unsound plans my anger made yesterday. Fortunately, maintaining control over the entry of my pillow thoughts…prevented my day ones…from catching a case.”

“I had a ‘friend’ tell me that there was no point in ending the relationship I was in at the time…because I was just going to attract the same soul in a different body. She was right but I’m a Gemini. So I keep attracting a soul with split personalities. Earlier today I realized it’s because we’re energetically bound…through an inescapable soul contract. Our first encounter was in my teens. The second was in my late 20s and the third in my early 30s. Toxicity made me walk away from those connections but I attracted their energy again a while back. Because we’re contractually obligated to heal whatever trauma our souls came here with. But his refusal to stop mix signaling…has me wanting to hurry up and learn our lesson…so we can both move tf on.”

“When I was a pre-teen…my uncle’s ex wife told me about the time her and her friends used a Ouija Board to try and talk to dead relatives. She said the lights started flickering so they ran outside. And when they came back in…the living room furniture was turned over. So when I grew up…I saw spirituality as demonic. But when I started my own spiritual journey, I learned our spiritual experience depends on our soul…and its intentions. My intention has always been to heal…so mine has been filled with pain. Because in order for me to find my cure…I have to feel the symptoms of my sickness. Now that I see how my Ancestors communicate to me through my healing…I’m choosing to identify as a Ouija Board. Please respect my pronoun.”

“My intuition has been scaring tf out of me lately. And I know it’s stronger because of the emotional balance I now have. The full moon just passed and it came with the typical trauma triggers from my ‘family’. Now that I see how my gift works when I’m stable…I understand why they work so hard, every moon cycle, to throw me off. I’ve been trying to detach. But I keep looking at think pieces on that Unknown Number documentary…and thinking about my little sister’s almost doesn’t count apology. Which has my intrusive thoughts overriding my psyche with questions like: What about my destiny is so important…that these people would spend all these years trying to swap out my ability to stay seated in it?”

“I have a habit of conditioning the people I love…to think that my life revolves around them. And it does…until it doesn’t. So being asked to drive almost an hour away…to go pick my niece up from my sister’s job…after she told me she was “bored”, didn’t surprise me. Because I’ve done more for less. Lately I’ve been trying to put myself first though. Is it working? Ugh ugh. This time was easy because my sleep schedule has been off, so my eyes closed the minute I finished work and laid down. After I woke up, I thanked myself for refusing to offer me up as entertainment…when my body was telling me she needed rest to get back in alignment. Then, I proceeded to use all the energy I didn’t have yesterday…on her today.”

“The only plan I had today was minding twins business. Until I ran an errand and saw the car that used to show up everywhere I was…before I got that video back in July. It was going in the opposite direction and as soon as I saw the dice hanging from the rearview…I knew it was the same rANdOm. They were turning into an apartment complex and I saw that the plates matched too. So when I finished my run…I went back to do a photoshoot. Now I’m laying here laughing at God’s callback for this comedy set…up. Because I could’ve been anywhere else in the city. I’m assuming He just wanted them to see me…see them. And if it was their intention to have me paranoid before…I got my lick back without even trying.”

“One day last week I was asked to pick my niece up…and waited til the last minute to pretend I wouldn’t…until I got an apology. My pettiness paid off because my little sister finally gave me one…under duress. She had just had a milestone…so after pick up, I took my niece to get her a gift and balloons. It must’ve done something to her because earlier today I got a free will apology for her Goof Troop participation. And even though I’ve offered empty words to band-aid irreversible damage before too…I couldn’t accept it. So I went back to the chat. My soul needed to tell the other ‘gas’car racers, who might want to give their own actionless apologies, to “shove it up their a** and clench it”. Because I prefer changed behavior over words.”

“I’ve adjusted to the new hall monitor as much as I’m going to. My growth is on eat though because I broke my lease the last time this happened. But today…I bought flowers. Because all the triggers from these last handful of years…suggest that this is the straw that was supposed to Baker Act me. And I’ve watched enough Body Cam videos to know that my ‘diagnosis’ guarantees anything I say will be held against me if I let that happen. It won’t since I finally understand these environmental triggers come…when I have control over my mind. A lack of control is what cripples my creativity. Which is why I quit this project the first 2 times. So mastering my ability to maintain my composure under pressure…is still the lesson.”

“It’s a few people who have a few things to say about how I respond to triggers. But…these are the same people who’ve never done anything in life without the help of someone else. So the defense mechanisms of someone who stands alone is foreign to them. Which removes the validity from their opinion…when I’m the topic of conversation. Why do I speak on what I’ve never experienced then? Bitc…Empaths don’t have to have first hand experience in order to articulate the emotions behind it. But most people aren’t empaths. Some are narcissists who are so obsessed with being the center of everyone else’s attention…that they either create us…or use us to supplement the desperation of their dependency.”

“I spent all day telling myself to “accept what I can’t change”. I hiked, I wrote, I meditated etc etc. But nothing helped the frustration I still feel for my inability to stop proving that I’m not lying about being ‘targeted’…to the same people with a vested interest in the psychosis that’s supposed to come from it. So…I asked myself what I could do to honor my emotions like an aDuLt. This is necessary because my perception is that the intent of these triggers…is to leave me feeling like I don’t have a voice. After consulting with twin…I felt guided to do arts and crafts. By the time I was done…”The Truman Show” was spelled out in big white wooden letters…on my front door. I’ll grow up next year.”

“A couple months ago the neighbor with the camera pointed at my door moved out. Then the couple across from me told me they were moving but didn’t tell me when. So my intuition told me the next camera was going to be on their door. And today…I left out and saw I was right. I did my usual two step with management but that got me nowhere. They told me I could change spaces to avoid breaking the lease but…I don’t want to leave one apartment just to move into another one again. When I got back…a why-he-tay man, who gives me military vibes, walked in behind me and went to the door with the new surveillance system. He honestly doesn’t look like he’d have any interest in keeping track of what I don’t do. But nothing is ever what it seems in my life.”

“I’m criiiiiiiiiiien…real tears. Bbbbbbbecause…I don’t know when I got too old to eat certain foods. All I wanted to do was enjoy my All Star Meal from Waffle House. But 3.5 minutes after I finished the last bite…I threw it all up. It wasn’t even the anger I felt over wasting my $18 that got me. It’s the disrespect I felt from this being the way my body gave me my reality check. And while I was numb chucking…thoughts on whether I’ve reached an age where Tums needs to be added to my grocery list started taunting me. Which is wild because I was just mocking the accountability avoidant ‘aunties’ in the group chat, over their “seasoned hen” status last year. Now…I have to switch my title from the Golden Child…to…to…to…to…the Golden giRL. ‘I can noooooot’.

“Healing is my end goal. Which is why I love meeting people who can get me to self-reflect. And I usually end up using it for content because the way I heal…could be used as a template for someone else. But some people I meet…are blissfully committed to their toxicity. These are the ones given endless opportunities to freely talk through trauma that’s clearly still affecting them…but decide to chat about Everything But That instead. My ‘family’ is like this and dealing with them left me feeling like I was the problem. Because their refusal to go within…forced them to project the behavior they didn’t want to be held accountable for…onto me. So I started having meetups in my mind..with the younger versions of myself.”

“I’m still blocked from talking to my niece while she’s with her mom. This past weekend she was with her grandmother though. So I got to spend a few hours on FT with her. During the call they went to a pet store and she ended up getting a…pet. My BM called my twin to show her the new addition and aside from her incessant pleas against the purchase…all I could focus on was how easily the word “mom” slipped off her tongue. I honestly can’t even remember what it feels like to say that word. And when the FT finally ended…I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss saying it. But until I can get past the smear campaign she initiated against my mental state…she’ll remain an opp. With the way my heart is set up…she’ll forever be a missed opportunity.”

“Until recently, I prided myself on my single digit body count. Then…I factored in all the hallways my intimate partners ran through. It was my obsession with outside validation…that had me attracting men who built their confidence on how many bodies they sculpted. So when our sacral chakras linked, their bodies became my bodies because soul ties are energetically transferred. Which is why my healing is taking so long. I’m still battling demons that don’t even belong to me. If I had it to do over, I’d stay celibate until I did enough shadow work to align me with a better reflection of myself. Because some of the damage done from the misaligned matches…will live with us forever.”