“The scripture “To whom much is given much is required” kept popping up in my head earlier. For the last couple weeks, I’ve been feeling convicted about the egoic way I usually choose to convey my emotions. Because the more God allows me to heal, the more I’m able to accept that the way I see this world is a gift. Which means when I speak on what He shows me…it shouldn’t be coming out in curs(e)ive. Atp, I recognize the advantage I have over the emotional states of others. This isn’t new to me because I’ve always had the ability to make others feel what they don’t want to. The lesson I’m now being given, is to learn to silence my pride whenever I commune with inner children…that rebel against my refusal to handle the adults they’re housed in with kid gloves.”

“It’s possible to outgrow a desire to entertain certain energies…but it’s impossible to outgrow our ability to attract them. IMO, the foundation laid by our parentals is what all of our relationships are built on…irrespective of how much healing we do. Which is why I feel like attracting certain aspects of both my parents in the people I interact with is a forever thing. Because we attract who we are and their blood will never not run through my veins. Learning how to navigate my emotions through the behavioral traits in them that trigger me is the only way I’ll ever have successful relationships. So the goal for me is to continue studying the trauma they gifted me. Not because I want to keep living in the past. But because I need to know how to respond to triggers that I’ll never not attract, in a healthier way then I used to.“

“None of them have called to make sure I’m still breathing. Which is insane to me because they spent so many years trying to convince me of how much psychiatric help I needed. Don’t I have them all blocked? I don’t see how that’s relevant to this conversation. Earlier I was thinking about how my immediate ‘family’ of 5…cut me off one by one…when I refused to keep playing the ‘see something/say nothing’ role they assigned me. It’s like I had a Bingo card filled with unaddressed trauma associated with each of them. And every time I addressed it and made them feel something they didn’t want to, a box was stamped. I ended up winning the game…and the prize was my realization that my silence would’ve kept our bonds alive…but that would’ve killed my soul.”

“I’ve been chained to my intrusive thoughts for a while and I spent a lot of time wishing I wasn’t. A lot of these thoughts challenge my reasoning on certain beliefs that I don’t want to change but no matter how hard I try to disconnect from them…they seem committed to getting me to connect the dots. Now that life is allowing me to catch up with my intuition, I’m able to see that most of these thoughts are intentionally being planted in my psyche. Because they’re meant to serve as my guide for decisions that I need to make. Lately a lot of these thoughts have been the foreshadowing of things that end up happening in the future. The spiritual community refers to this as getting a ‘download’ and I see them as confirmations that I’m in alignment with the path that God wants me on.”

“Having a love language that’s centered around toxic back and forths probably doesn’t seem normal to people who grew up around emotionally intelligent adults. But I’ve never felt right if my relationships weren’t toxically top heavy. I enjoy(ed) arguing and I honestly used to take it as a form of disrespect if my other half didn’t engage me. Using my words was how I maintained the upper hand but while I was gloating over the fact that no one could out talk me…resentment was replacing the requited love shown towards me. Everything in me needed to create chaos because that’s the kind of love I was raised around. I still get off on gifting random acts of crazy but it feels better when the overall theme is mutual respect.”

“Shifting the weight that some words hold in my psyche is now mandatory because I’m addicted to having full dominion over my mind. I’ve wasted too much time allowing my whole mood to be shifted by what comes out of someone else’s mouth and at this point I want to be the only one with the ability to change how I feel. Right now it feels like some parts of this change are heavier than others. But if I continue putting my effort towards training my emotional muscles…to raise lower vibrational words into high vibing ones…eventually the lift will feel as effortless as the kettlebell reps I no longer struggle with. This helps me take words meant to emotionally cripple me and turn them into emotional stability. Which is what real healing looks like.”

“With all that’s going on right now…I lowkey feel like I’m reaching the graduation phase for this lesson in self-control. But lately I’ve been glitching with my ability to speak too freely about the bad I see in others. Which has me reflecting on my hesitation to walk across the stage in the fullness of my own truth. It’s always easier to observe than to be observed so I’ll keep studying the art of giving out what I want back. Did I initially deflect because I had to acknowledge…that it’s hypocritical…to hold everyone else accountable for their bad behavior…but then suddenly remember to be choosy…when it comes to freely sharing my own? I feel too attacked by your disrespect to answer that.“

“The minute a damaged soul is made aware of your weakness…they’ll purposely hit the same spot until you break. Unfortunately, the unresolved pain that possesses these souls won’t allow them to do this with the intention of encouraging growth like light workers. Because these souls thrive off of others walking around as broken as they are. At this point the playbook is a lost cause because their only tactic is the use of overly exploited fears that I’m learning not to feed into. I say this knowing that my fear is valid, but now that I realize its purpose is either to be used as the ladder I climb or the ledge I jump from…the new play is stepping up.”

“The duality of love is what I took from all my rewatches. The love being depicted from Dot’s scenes felt like the complicated love that’s shared between the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine. Sza’s imagery felt more like the convenient lust, that feels like love, shared between karmics. Every time I saw the elevators, it made me think about the one from Inception that symbolized the depth of the subconscious. The further down you go, the rawer the emotion. My tears kept coming every time I saw the scene where Dot dropped his head after ‘Gloria’ touched down and locked eyes with him. Because it felt like he felt remorse for what she was about to find out now that she made it to the compartment of his mind that housed his deepest secrets. When he looked back at her…it felt like he was ready to face whatever was coming.”

“Surprisingly, remaining relatively respectful in the face of disrespect…doesn’t eVEnTuALlY garner a person’s respect. So earlier when I finally got the opportunity to talk to my niece on speaker phone (with her mom in the background), instead of being the mature Titi she expected…I aired out the lies that I usually let go unchecked in front of her. Because my refusal to address the reality of these long breaks in communication with her…allows her mother to keep pulling the same hat trick that’s kept me separated from my mental balance for three straight years. This year…I’m on what she’s on. Which got me hung up on and blocked…again. And now…my eye is twitching.”

“Recently I had the (dis)pleasure of receiving back what I put out and…I’m still in my feelings. It takes a certain level of skill to penetrate the walls of my ‘but I wasn’t wrong’ justifications and when it happens…I know I f*cked up. This time I assumed the position of an insecurity instigator and when the get back came…it had my lip poked out. It took me a minute to acknowledge that my hurt feelings were meant to allow me to feel how I made someone else feel. After I accepted that…I was still annoyed. Because most people don’t lick me back. Either way I was wrong and a sincere apology is owed.”

“My new obsession with myself has allowed me to see through illusions cast on me by people who’d prefer I focus on everything but my personal growth. And even though my new pastime has made me question whether my self-absorption is healthy…I remember how depressed I was when I gave all my attention to people whose thirst to be seen was never quenched. All it ever left me with was resentment for the fact that everyone kept their hand out to take whatever they could get from me…but they never held it out to offer me what I needed. If I hadn’t learned to give it to myself…I doubt I’d still be here to write these posts.”

“But now that I refuse to do for her what I know she can do for herself…she’s validating a fear of mine. Which is the fact that all this time…I’ve been being put up with. This isn’t a new feeling because being tolerated comes with telling the truth. People who don’t want to know how their behavior affects others usually attract me out of God’s desire for them to see their toxicity. Because when they act that way towards me…my temperament makes it impossible for them to pretend not to know. So I’m usually put up…until I’m put out. Do I think I should try fitting into a mold that’ll give me the opposite reaction? Ew.”

“…but today I feel like saying what I probably shouldn’t. Because I’m over here trying to figure out if the maternal bond is so strong between those who claim their mom was such a healthy example of love…why are the people who go out of their way to make these claims usually the most toxic individuals while in intimate relationships? I feel like the more vocal a person is about singing the praises of a parent…the deeper the subconscious wounding. It’s like an over compensation for the fact that the truth can’t be told about how much trauma the child had to endure because parents are expected to be placed on pedestals that their parenting didn’t really earn them.”

“In the absence of my peace, I turn into a maniac. Which is why my ‘family’ loves fuc…tampering with my energy when I show signs of being unbalanced. It was always a guarantee that I’d give them a psychotic show because I hadn’t developed a strong enough bond with my peace for me to have faith that resting in it would be beneficial. All I knew how to do when triggered was scream about how triggered I was. So that’s what I did…until I realized my ability to heal increases when those purposely trying to keep me sick no longer have access to my energy.”

“Earlier today I started thinking about that experience because the space I’m currently in feels like my own personal escape room. But this time I don’t have anyone else helping me solve the clues that will ultimately lead to my freedom. So when I get a clue wrong…it’s all on me. I never felt like I was on a time restriction before but now that I’m approaching the 40 yard line…the tocks are ticking loud asf. All of the riddles in this room open a wound from my childhood that hasn’t been healed yet and this latest one involves my abandonment issues. I don’t like leaving and I don’t like being left but in order to escape the mental decline that takes place when either happens…I have to learn how to be solid enough to hold my own…on my own.”

“The only way to correct the damage that I’ve done to both my little sister and my niece is to accept defeat and detach. I was so busy trying to stop my sister from being so codependent on me that I didn’t realize how codependent I’d become on having her child around. The trauma bond that was developing between us needed to be severed and if my absence fixes what I broke…I can’t war against that. My solution would’ve never been to completely remove my presence from her picture but I don’t have the privilege of changing that decision. So I have to accept the fact that even though this situation is nothing like the way I want it to be…it is what it is.”

“This displaced passive aggression is why my ability to be overly critical of others always seems to increase when I’m completely removed from all aspects of my ‘family'. Because in the absence of telling my ‘family’ all that they’re doing wrong…I had no one else to make feel small. I’m not sure if I ever looked at it through that lens of truth before but…that’s exactly what I was doing. Turning my judgmental fingers inward isn’t a new concept for me but it never seemed to be enough when I was engulfed in emotional pain. And my solution was always to drag others in because…my misery loved company. Now…I finally reached the point where I can sit with my undesirable feelings without trying to dictate how many other people meet me at the same destination.”