Jealousy is a funny thing. It’s never as hidden as the person in possession of it thinks it is. Kendrick wasn’t even really addressing Cole in his Like That verse. But Cole delivered a ‘buy one get one free’ track in dedication to this man. Which makes me think back to when Kendrick spoke on not trusting the true intentions of rappers. After seeing Cole’s response when Kendrick didn’t want a seat at his table…its obvious where the Big Stepper was coming from. Kendrickdoesn’t fit in the circle…so he squared up. “Tough tit-taye”. The fact that Cole tried to place him there, speaks more to his pride needing to be in the same sentence…as someone whose greatness he recognizes.

My own vanity played a part in why I thought this person would take my apology and carry on. I honestly expected to be easily forgiven. My reaction to having the opposite take place, revealed that I’m still approaching life from an egotistically entitled perspective. And that’s why my spirit wouldn’t allow me to stop thinking about what happened. I asked for forgiveness from the person I violated (energetically)…and I asked for forgiveness from my ‘Dad’. Now, I too have to sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop. Because anyone intentionally submitting to the guidance of God, knows that failing a test means that we’re about to be taught a lesson. I pray that I’ve shed enough of my ego to elevate out of this position by the time it hits.

I pointed out in one of my texts to the bigger group, that the question could be posed of why I don’t just walk away from the ‘family’…if I see they’re trying to cause me mental unrest. I answered my question by stating that I’ve tried to…several times. I stated that my last attempt was followed by my little sister appointing me as chauffeur. I pointed out how that lasted for a consistent 7 months, until I threatened them. AND I was consistently triggered throughout this time. No one has said a word. This is literally the ‘family’ that ‘preys’ together. And being ‘bipolar’ makes me the perfect victim. Ew.

Now…self correcting my way back into empathy, is realigning me with the part of my spirit responsible for guiding my career path. Luckily, all the emotional tools necessary for this life long journey back to my higher self, were already in my possession. But they were only revealed to me when I was ready to put the work in. Fortunately, God has equipped us all with our own set of built in workflows. If you have been calling out…it’s time to clock back in babes.

So when I think back over all the effort these people have put into what I perceive as encouragement for my early expiration…it gives me satisfaction to know that the answer to that ‘what if’…is nowhere near ‘what is’. I took what was meant to emotionally cripple me and turned it into a skill that I pray will be used as a guide, for others experiencing the same storms I’m currently weathering. Which is all this has ever been about. Learning from my pain, so that I can live to tell someone else that NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE FEELING…it’s just a feeling…that can be overcome.

If more people were honest about who they really are…they’d be able to accept that they were born to be aunties and uncles too. But so many have been tricked into believing they could play a role that doesn’t fit their personality type. As an aunt…I am…was everything to my nieces and nephews that I wish I had in my childhood. I’m lucky enough to have been born to the kind of parents that made shadow work a requirement in my adult years. Because I had to heal trauma from the childhood they gave me. Which made it easier for me to pick up on blind spots of the people in my family, possessing that same parenting style.

At this point I know that none of these connections will ever be resurrected. All hands have been shown. But the sting of being lied on isn’t going away. There is just something in me that can’t let that go. My mother knows she conveniently used my ‘disorder’ and she also knows she never took me for treatment when I was under her roof. Having her turn the family against me on the grounds of ‘mental instability’, that she felt no need to treat before my ‘call for counseling’, is infuriating. Seeing how far they’ve all gone/still go to trigger a ‘manic’ response from me…makes it that much worse. So right now, I’m trying to alchemize my anger.

I was first introduced to the term ‘Chosen One’ by my twin a few years ago. She brought the words to my attention while telling me…and the group chat…how sorry she was for that being something I’d never be. I had no idea this term was a title people claimed outside of movies prior to her mentioning it. And to this day she refuses to explain what she meant by her statement. After researching the term, I felt I was being described. My ego found comfort in how powerful it subsequently made me feel to be handpicked by God. So I started referring to myself as a ‘Chosen One’ often.

Full Disclosure: I’ve been caught in a lie many times in my past…and each time…I gaslit like my life depended on it. I still embody the ability to deceive on occasion, so I can’t say I don’t empathize with the Slanderous Sanderson's. Some truths I fear acknowledging because they show a version of myself that I don’t like. Maybe my family has this same fear and their solution is to scapegoat me in order to feel more likeable. You know…an organic self-esteem boost. Either way…I pick and choose what I acknowledge about myself to others (now)…but when it comes to lying about someone’s mental health in order to avoid acknowledging accountability...how does one find justification in that?

Long story longer…I can’t be bothered enough to show how bothered I am right now. I’m going to learn from my past decisions and stay calm, when I clearly see an emotionally volatile reaction is being summoned. Eventually I’ll have enough to justifiably erupt over but I don’t even think I’ll waste lava when that time comes. I’m starting to like sitting in the position of authority over my emotions. The ‘stay calm’ pressure they’re putting on my emotional state is now birthing a diamond. Who am I to stop the process before my true clarity is revealed.

I won’t pretend that I’m not bothered by once again being reminded that I appeal more to a man’s lower half than his top. It honestly feels like an insult because…it kinda is. Because most men require little to nothing to be sexually aroused. If they’re aroused enough, a relationship is not hard for the woman to manifest…if it is convenient for the man. Ask me how I know. More and more, the fear of becoming like the other single older women in my family/society is creeping into my psyche. Unfortunately, men know this fear is present. And the ones I attract have a tendency to capitalize off of it.

Not only did I fail to ‘brown nose’ the man who ended up being the new branch manager…I had also offended his race to the office chatty patty. When my severance package ran out, I sat in my room wishing I had learned how to assimilate to the ways of this world. The pizza delivery position I had to rush to get so my car wouldn’t be repossessed, served as God’s humble hummus after my inability to doppelgang my previous Corporate position. It took years of me bouncing through temporary jobs until I found my current position. That outcome may have been different if I had learned how to respect a person’s status…even when their soul doesn’t feel right. Oh well my guy.

This is the FOURTH straight year these people have led with my mental imbalance. When I make headway in the counseling conversation, one of the Sanderson sisters creates a smoke screen that only highlights how in need of “professional help” I am. These last 7 months have been filled with them triggering me into mania…only to gaslight me into playing the assigned role THAT THEY GAVE ME, when I decide to walk away. Now…they’re stuck in the same maze they made for me.

I have the ability to pick my niece up because I’m fortunate enough to work from home. When I don’t have too much work, I incur no inconvenience. My little sister on the other hand is now having to make a lot of concessions. Are they her concessions to make? Yep. Did she sign herself up for this? Sure did. But…so did I. I believe heavily in karma and in my mind…my karma for aborting my seeds, has me playing a more heavy handed role in the life of the last niece I’m still allowed to speak to. This ‘karmic’ thought always brings me off my high horse of finger pointing but…I can’t figure out if doing so serves the situation or causes it a disservice.

Popularity is a social positioning as old as time. And just like any other group, 'most ‘popular’ girls share a similar personality type. This particular personality type tends to isolate those who don’t assimilate to social norms…while they themselves thrive in their ability to perfect behavioral expectations set by this world. I was fortunate enough to be a little of both the isolated and the assimilated.

For the longest I thought learning was the stopping point, in order to move on to the next subject. But learning is only preparation. Our lives consist of the same handful of experiences that happen over and over, at different points in time. These experiences come from emotional mile markers that took place in our childhood. And are embedded in our psyche. We’re given the opportunity to handle the experience differently each time we revisit them but…that’s only possible if we learn from how we handled it before. Needing to be chosen is one of my recurring experiences and it stems from feeling ‘unchosen’ by my parents. I’m now being given another opportunity to heal the remnants of that part of me.

It’s taken me a while to accept that people have the right to hold grudges against me. I can be a ‘do as I say and not as I do’ kind of person and…I’m slowly kicking that habit. But for the longest I’ve expected for people to allow me to speak whatever truth I feel needs to be said in the moment…in that moment…free of consequences. My life experiences have desensitized me to how my words may affect others. And even with that being a convenient truth…it’s still a truth. Acknowledging that I’m not the only one with feelings, shifts my perspective and allows me to give a little more grace to people. Especially members of my ‘family’.

I have to figure out how to stop viewing the world through the lenses I’ve been using all these years. They’re (f)ugly and they make me feel (f)ugly when I look in the mirror. They make everything else I look at (f)ugly too. More wasted sight. So while sitting in a sea of sadness, projecting my hurt into the future of my nieces, nephews and second cousins…I realized that we’re all f*cked and there’s nothing we can do about it. Which means we might as well see the world how we want to see it. And the world I want to see involves complete happiness for them.