Being overly protective of my heart holder has always been my achilles heel. Because attracting someone who matches my energy, enough to trust them with the weight of that carry, takes for f*cking ever. It’d be cute to pretend my above average attentiveness is selfless but…I honestly just don’t want to risk outside distractions, coming in to target the hands that have me. So…I usually shoot first and think second over them. But lately, I’ve been being guided to observe my own triggers…to expose any vulnerable spots that could make my fingers slip. This reconnaissance now has me unmatching with old energies that I‘ve already struck out on. Which is long overdue since…we no longer appear to have anything in common.

I used to have a habit of feeling sorry for my inability to escape the pressure of my perceived persecution. It felt like the harder I worked, the less I had to show for it. And that’s annoying asf. But every time I went to take my tears to God…I was reminded of the part I played, before I could finish my sob session. Because I chose to terminate the seeds I carried…that were supposed to be planted on this planet. The insight I now have about my gifts, lets me know the potential that could’ve been passed through my parenting. So doing this work, without any of the (3D) rewards that should come from it, feels like Divine Justice. Since I took out the rightful reapers, of what I was sent here to sow.

Childhood trauma has raised a lot of mentally fragile adults. This fragility usually goes unnoticed…until we meet a force who reminds us of our frailness. Insecurity is our biggest tell. And projection is the tool used, for those attempting to destiny swap a sense of inferiority…with a spirit they feel is superior to them. Instead of healing. This transference of trauma is always done passive aggressively. Because being direct, with someone who has the nerve to showcase strength, damages the ego of a weak mind. So subliminal shots are sent out…to souls who stand in the supernatural ability…of overcoming environments…that emotionally crippled the sitting ducks that target them.

I didn’t live on my own until I was 32. Before then, I unknowingly roommated with spirits who monitored my day to days. But moving out on my own made that impossible. After I broke up with my last ex…there was no one left to clock me. Which is when the first pop up cam was introduced. It was awkwardly angled, in order for it to be pointed directly at my door. And that birthed my first Karen complaint to leasing…via email. I’ve lived in two different places since then, and the same thing always happens…months after I establish residency. So moving to escape this fish bowl experience feels useless. Since it seems like there’s always a new nosey a$$ neighbor…brought in to stopwatch me.

I’ve never had an issue saying the quiet parts out loud. Because making someone else uncomfortable…feels better than sitting in the discomfort of leaving something unsaid. But today I ear hustled my way into a conversation…that helped me understand why some people find comfort in awkward silences. The words spoken hinted at emotional instability; but the energy felt like a deep level of shared distrust. And everything in me wanted to pause their sh*t show, to encourage them to constructively air out the real issue. Unfortunately, the longer I listened, the more I realized that the tension between them…was because of me. So, I sat back and let it play out. Shocked by how assumptions…can literally lead to a$$ clown behavior.

Insight is a gift that most people can’t afford. Because in order to possess it…you have to let go of the seeing is believing mentality. Fitting in with societal standards requires proof of privilege though. Which means ulterior motives can go undetected…if they’re masked by materialism. Blindly buying into what I saw, is what stunted the growth of my intuition for so long. And my (third eye) vision wasn’t restored, until I learned that real motion is sensed…not seen. But this world moves on the axis of appearances. So presentation will continue to be the tool that prevents the discovery of intent, if our discernment remains easily distracted…by our sight.

Effort is everything to me…because it requires you to put action behind thought. So showing me you care, will always mean more than just using your words…to make me think you do. I had a few situations where this was done for me over the last couple weeks. But I was bothered asf by the action figure, so I didn’t put my feelings on display. And before thoughts of taking them off the shelves indefinitely set in, I was shown the kind of effort…that stopped me dead in my tracks. Because what was in front of me…reflected words I’ve said in the past, that I assumed were overlooked. Which took away all the desire I pretended to have…for new soul shopping.

**To Whom It May Concern**

I Owe yoU’s aren’t usually the kind of vows you make to someone you care about unconditionally. Real bonds are stamped with seals that won’t break. So failing to return a favor doesn’t strengthen/weaken it because…tabs aren’t kept. But reciprocity is my love language. And there’s an energy that has had me locked in with them for a while…souly based off their contribution to my spiritual growth. Before this connection…I never had tangible evidence that I know what I know…before I’m supposed to know it. My ‘family’ could’ve been my source of confirmation, but they chose to gaslight tf out of me. Which is why this need to put action behind those three words…is so strong.

The deeper my feelings are involved, the less effort it takes…to make my Left Eye jump. Which is why I have a history of over reacting to small things, behind my bloods. I never really noticed this habit…but they picked up on my pattern a while ago. So when I had to start distancing myself from my feelings for them, they retaliated by setting up spiritual stake outs…that were meant to trigger outer body experiences. And I gave them the show they wanted…every time. These energy vamp fires used to engulf all of my emotions. But I learned how to control them better, once I understood that their compulsion with getting a reaction…was their way of figuring out if I still care.

Dealing with individuals who have a heightened sense of self is draining…asf. Because the ego that comes with the egregiousness of this entitlement, forces us to ignore where our pOWeR actually comes from. (God.) I see a lot of these types pretending to be familiar with a higher power when it’s convenient though. It’s almost like they use God’s grace as a navigation key to the green. And once the top of the game is reached, behavior begins to reflect a character that was thought to be hidden from Him. Atp, humility becomes an acquired taste. So someone is sent in to test hearts. Which usually results in us being humbled…by the person that we least expect.

My maturity took a while to…mature. And in that time, I rage reacted to triggers…that were meant to teach me self-control. I always excused my behavior because I was responding to what I perceived as intellectual instigation. To me, shots were being fired at my mental. So I felt entitled to let out every emotion that came to mind. Which was a trap. Because my irrational reactions just exposed my dependency on trauma responses, birthed from my inability to set boundaries…with myself. I honestly saw my ability to be verbally violent as a strength. But I was actually being baited into revealing all my weakness…through my war of words.

Making the same mistakes from my past has delayed most of my present day progress. I was convinced that my commitment to doing what I knew was wrong…would eventually lead me in the right direction. Even though I never got any proof to back that belief. A while ago, I started noticing that these oPpORtuNiTiEs for obstacle creations…always appear when I align my mindset with staying on course. Laying up with what was least expected of me, would’ve been safer. But my ego’s obsession with taking these long shots, superseded logic. And my recklessness used to convince me there was worth in these risks. Until I started focusing on the position I want be in…in the future.

Last night I let myself feel the unsatisfying things I’ve been refusing to acknowledge. Tear shed followed the feelings. And guidance followed the blinking baptismal. Half way through it, I heard “surrender, don’t succumb”. Which helped refocus my attention on the bigger picture…my purpose. I’ve had issues accepting that I came to Earth to feel pain, for the soul purpose of learning how to heal from it…so I can write about the process. But after years of being unable to talk God out of His decision, I cHoSE to surrender to His will. Instead of succumbing to the man made circumstances, that were created to break me. Which is what was needed to put me back in alignment…with my assignment.

Desperation is a distraction…that has the attention of a lot of singulars. The idea of being coupled is more appealing than solo cuffing. So the race to pin down that one, becomes a priority for those who can’t stand aloneness. Energy like this has women DM sliding…and men Homer Simpsoning. Which gives…unnatural. Fortunately, circumstances have made my solitude so satisfying…that being with someone seems inconvenient. And I think it birthed an avoidant attachment dating style, that has me showing up as the worst parts of my personality…just to escape real connections. Because my logic told me that I can’t be hurt…if you’re too preoccupied with figuring out why I keep trying to hurt you.

I don’t think I’ll ever get comfortable with having my toxicity mirrored back to me. The imagery feels unnecessarily aggressive and…it makes me uncomfortable. I want to say I immediately accept accountability when I see me staring back at myself but…I have strong redirection reflexes. So I find fault…in fault being found in me. And if what I see resembles a trait that I despise in either of my biologicals, I retaliate against the reflector. It’s a coping mechanism that’s immature…but effective. Because my happiness has been dependent on the desperation I have, for feeling like my adult behavior is better than theirs. But my mirror still isn’t giving that…so I find ways to break it. To avoid facing reality.

Speaking indirectly is a non negotiable in most messy situations. Attaching names can draw in too much attention…and not everyone is deserving of that type of spotlight. If you’ve mastered the skill of subtlety…the shot only hits its intended target. But if you’re too caught up in your emotions to lead with logic, the offense intended for one…penetrates the psyches of people who have no involvement. Which is why I see sub culture as a cure and a curse…when you get past a certain age. Because it requires you to adolescently address…adult issues. Has my position on this stopped my involvement? Oh ugh ugh. Some stray shade is worth the casualties that come with it…if there’s an underlying lesson.

Feeding into temptation is one of my toxic traits. My apple fell directly underneath its tree…so ‘don’t’ usually looks like ‘please do more of’ to me. Which keeps injecting chaos…into the calmness that I’m trying to cultivate. And…I’m doing it again. I usually feel obligated to give myself grace, whenever I invite this type of confusion back in. But today I felt tempted to challenge my toxicity. Because gentle (re)parenting clearly doesn’t work on me. Coddling my consciousness, just encourages me to keep excusing behavior…that I feel genetically predisposed to. So I decided to start forfeiting forgiveness, until actual change takes place.

My body has been speaking up for herself lately…in ways that made it impossible to ignore her. The tension that came with being separated from a bond that brings me happiness…had my stress overly excited. So my heart was trying to overcompensate, for all the pressure that this break from my ‘blood’ had me under. When this happens, I usually distract my mind by engaging in Gang (Goofy) activity. Because that gives me temporary relief. But experience has taught me…that would’ve just prolonged my social distance…from the person I actually wanted to talk to. Which forced me to meditate more…so I could comfortably carry that weight away from my heart…and through to my artistry.

A while ago my BM’s mom told me that I changed positions in my BM’s womb…which prevented my twin from being choked out by an umbilical cord. This led to me being born second…and feet first. It’s the only birth story I’ve ever been told…but my BM claims she doesn’t remember it. Shocking. Growing up, we never had a normal twin bond. And I tuned our toxicity out…until she made the infamous 2021 chat comment: “Sorry you’ll never be the chosen one…”. She still hasn’t given a logical explanation for why she said it. But after witnessing her subsequent fanatical fixation with my familial death by disownment…I see why I positioned myself in a way that had us enter this world…opp-ositionally.

I’ve never been a good bluffer…because I’ve always shown my emotions through my expressions. So even if I refuse to say how I feel…it’s usually easy to pull my card at first glance. But lately I’ve been confusing everybody…and myself. Because I’ll be in the middle of a mental state that screams sadistic psychopath…but when I look at my reflection…my facials give complete calmness. And…ion know how to feel about that. I want to attribute it to the fact that I’m finally starting to accept the handler bar hierarchy that I was born into. Which is now forcing me to conceal carry. Unfortunately, I think I’m just numb…from constantly pretending I don’t feel…exactly how I do.