“Sex talk before getting to know a partner is common in the dating world. Most people aren’t taught how to get to know another person but everyone knows how to ‘hunch’. I need to know who I’m dealing with though because that’s the only way I’ll get comfortable enough to let him know what he’s signing up for.”

“I have no idea where to begin. It’s been an all out war of emotions the last couple of days, but the Sanderson sisters didn’t get me to bend on my position. I could feel that a ‘manic’ reaction is what my youngest sister wanted and refusing to give it to her made her look like the deranged lunatic that I usually end up being.”

“I have no idea why I’m ever surprised by the audacity of my bloodline. My boundary has been in place for ONE DAY…and there’s already an all out war. The texts started around 5am.”

“I honestly have no idea why my face continues to be played in. I know I’ve gone back on my word a million times and I rarely ever keep up a boundary set to prevent the ‘face play’…but I’m still very much confused on why certain people don’t just stop while they’re ahead.”

“The longer I live, the more I realize that more people share my upbringing than those who don’t. I hear people casually complain about their childhoods in passing. But it’s rare that you’ll ever hear these same people addressing the source of their complaint. Especially if the mother has melanated skin.“

“A recurring lesson that I’m having the hardest time learning is that I’m my mothers daughter. Accepting that fact would completely rid me of all ego associated issues. Unfortunately, I accept it some days and other days I question if I even came out of her womb. Having a twin that also came out of her, has lessened the chance of me being switched at birth…but how can anyone ever be sure?“

“My mental ‘health’ has been in question for a number of years…by my ‘family’. I disagree with this fallacy, as a whole, but I have to admit that some of the behavior I’ve exhibited in the past does coincide with their convictions.”

“It’s impossible to reach our highest potential if we’re unable to acknowledge the truth of our current reality. Unfortunately seeing the truth requires us to be uncomfortable. Not many want to sign up for on purpose discomfort…which is why so many live make believe lives on the internet. Me included. I acknowledge only what I want to more than I should.”

“I spoke with God during one of my attempts to tame my bruised ego and I walked away feeling a touch of embarrassment. I was complaining to Him, asking why my experience here is so hard and I questioned why I felt I was being punished for doing what He asked me to do.”

“Overcompensating for a man was a trait I learned early on from my ‘mother’ and no one ever corrected my behavior. I now know that my ‘mother’ couldn’t correct me because she was an avid overcompensator and my father couldn’t correct me because he was the receiver of overcompensation in his own marriage.“

“We attracted each other from that same place of brokenness and tried our hardest not to feel that same pain again. We all were driven by our fear of abandonment but our emotional ‘un’intelligence had us creating never ending scenarios that made the choice to abandon, for the other person, the only option.”

“…when are we going to stop forcing these children to suck it up and deal with the fact that we as adults have no idea how to avoid making them suffer for our mistakes? It’s like parents have kids from the perspective of ‘let’s see how this goes’ and never factor in the weight of their decision to bring a whole human into an existence with a faulty foundation..”

“I’m usually on top of my ability to recall emotions in order to find the source of any subsequent pain. But pain from my ‘mother’ hits different. I would try to pretend I don’t feel how I feel about her…but I’m not here to waste anyone’s time. Most of the emotions I have towards her are cloaked in hatred…it is what it is.”

“While proofreading this I realized this is the villain origin story for most black women. We’re raised by women that view us as threats…refuse to impart any wisdom that would help us be able to function with emotional balance, and then send us out into the world when we are ‘grown’. We then try to love but because we have no idea what nurturing looks like, we emotionally abuse every person that steps in our path.”

“When the intrusive thoughts I spoke about yesterday, enter my mind…there isn’t another body attached to their words. Which means the words are being manufactured by my own mind. My mind creates them because my heart feels them. And my heart feels them because my inner child fears them.”

“A lesson that I’ve struggled with for years is overcoming my fear of ‘public’ speaking. When I can’t avoid my speech…my mouth dries out, my body starts sweating and my heart races uncontrollably. These reactions developed in middle school and I’ll spare you yet another story about who lit that match.“

“My ability to detach is greater when I’m able to completely cut ties with all parties involved. It’s just easier to pretend they don’t exist when I don’t speak to them. Having to speak to my little sister makes it that much more difficult to completely walk away from the adult population of this bloodline.”

“And every time I attracted a man…my reality revolved around a lack of accountability, a need to be validated, an inability to accept that I qualified for who I attracted, and a commitment to blame all non implicating relationship issues on the other person.“

“The belief that no one wants to hear my voice was the initial seed…and that belief manifested itself in many different ways. I’ve spent the majority of my adult years attempting to uproot this system, but it seemed like the harder I fought to change my reality…the harder this spirit fought to keep me suspended in my voicelessness.”