“Illogical conditioning makes it hard to distinguish between when I’m experiencing symptoms of my ‘disorder’ vs when I’m just having an outer body reaction to stress. Earlier I had the option to irrationally react to another time wasting trigger from my sister…and my logic eventually chose ration. But only after it forced me to acknowledge that the behavior I engaged in with someone else today…earned the low vibrations she gave me tonight. Bipolarly speaking…their triggers are energetic transference attempts, meant to leave me feeling drained of energy that’s needed…to keep me in control of my own mind. So the more accountability I possess…the less possessed I’ll feel…in stressful situations that I summoned.”

“Last week a Derrick Branch YT video was in my recommendeds and…I’m still triggered. It’s a 25:31 breakdown of TikTok rants from a girl who sounds like she’s experiencing psychosis. She says she’s talking to a married celebrity couple via socials but…all their communication is coded. At first I empathized because……………..I know how looks can be deceiving when mEnTaL iLLneSs is involved. But the more she talked, the more it felt like her only issue…is her ego. Because she started out on her purpose…but lost sight of it when she got curved. I wanted to comment that the internet is just a mirage, that can make you mentally ill if you take it too seriously but…I’m too busy trying to decode my own illusions.”

“Once upon a childhood…I surrounded myself with girls who were cool with each other, until one of us got the attention that another wanted. Which taught me that envy reveals everything. It’s some situations being played out on socials right now, that mirrors the same concept. Atp it’s giving recycled read ritual because we’ve seen these stories before. The women being targeted clearly possess what their targeters want. And just like all adolescent attacks, smear campaigns have been set up to steal the voice of the target…so attention can go back to where it was. This is something like an Ursula Effect because the have nots…seem delusionally desperate…to swap destinies with the ones who have…what their opp-osites pretend not to notice.”

“I used to hate being held accountable. It sucks all the air out the room and forces you to self-reflect…instead of focusing on your inability to breathe. So I developed the ability to dawg paddle my way out of inconvenient conversations. Earlier I had a situation test me on my growth and I passe…didn’t fully fail. I took my niece to a fun park…and got into an argument with one of the attendants. He was being rude to the kids and when he directed his energy towards my niece…I said too many words. When I dropped her off, she told me that was her favorite part of the day. But God had me gasping for air when I got home. After being forced to go within, I realized I still don’t like admitting fault…when I don’t want to accept that my behavior is wrong.”

“Word play is wealth to me because…not everyone is afforded the ability to make those kinds of arrangements. This gift was birthed in me after starting this blog because I had to find a way to declassify my ‘crazy’. It took me a while to find my balance, because my triggerers wanted me too unfit to weigh in on their toxicity. My refusal to stop speaking the language of spirituality tips those scales every time. And even though I’m receipted…blatantly saying they tried to sacrifice me, still sounds like my deck isn’t full. So I had to learn to adapt to my surroundings. Because it’s okay for the undiagnosed to openly show signs of mental instability…but the ‘diagnosed’ aren’t endowed with the option to wear the fullness of our self-expression outside.”

“I inherited the mean girl trait because I was born to a woman with poor mental hygiene. Her version of love was projecting the flaws of her insecurities onto me, so I became that product in my environment. I was at my worst in high school because I gave…with no fear of receiving. But the older I got, the clearer it became that God takes His time…returning to me what I put out. I always aimed to find the worst thing I could say about a person…and waited for the opportunity to say it. So He returned the favor by giving me seasons of my life where other people could do the same. My inability to get out the maze my mouth creates used to be torture…until I realized the only way out is through changed behavior.“

“I finally got to talk to my niece this morning. And a few hours after our FT call…I got a text from my sister asking if I could sit in the carpool lane. I’ve been wrestling against my rage all week and her text almost put me on my back. It reinforced my belief that I’ve been reduced to a call of convenience, and that gave me the reason I needed to emotionally erupt. But I couldn’t because I know my anger is used to light the gas they keep blowing in my face. Wrath reacting without remorse, to their behavior, used to make me feel like I had control over what I couldn’t understand. Now I just want to step back and let this be whatever it is. Because that’s the only way I’ll learn to control myself.”

“My attitude gives underwhelmed…towards people who don’t challenge the tradition of toxic thought patterns. Because they play a part in keeping the cycles of ‘saw but said nothing’ abuse in motion. I can relate to an extent because I’ve been silently side-eyeing ‘what goes on in this house’ ideologies since I was a pre-teen…refusing to openly speak on my vantage point until my 30s. The use of my voice is what helped me graduate to a place of mental clarity and I intentionally got stuck up here. So coming down to throw tomatoes with basic b*tch belief systems isn’t on my to-do’s. There’s no room for emotional elevation there. And I don’t want to be the girl with a middle school mentality…in my mid 40s.”

“You have to be a special kind of victim…to play victim…after someone you victimized...reacts to their victimization. Which is why I’m keeping it mute on an old situation that’s currently crashing out for my attention. I have a habit of making people feel like they’re more important than they are to me…and the consequences of my actions are always the same. I invoke their undivided, after removing mine from them. Then they become obsessed with humbling me. I accept that discarding people is a self-absorbed character flaw that I haven’t fixed yet. And the punishment fits the crime so I won’t try to psychoanalyze the head cases of the actual victim(s). Because my mirror is still all I’m trying to look into.”

“I know I’m supposed to be irrationally reacting to the triggers from my ‘family’ but…this is just another full moon ritual. So spinning a web of words is pointless because their intention is to get me caught up. Our dynamic has been dead. But watching my bloodline’s calculated fall back is still hard…because it leaves me alone on an island. Leaving their energy behind raises my vibration though. Most of my anxiety is gone too because I don’t have to worry about when the next trigger is coming. And I love how this feels. The expectation of being who I need to be for myself is the only pressure I’m under right now, so I can’t grieve this loss like I used to. Because my pinnacle can only be reached…in their absence.”

“If all the energy my ‘family’ has put into triggering my psychosis was studied…it’d show they’ve made a calculated attempt to swap destinies with me. But all their effort lacks logic, since the life of a “chosen” is supposed to be filled with trauma…that’s meant to be transmuted into lessons for the next generation to learn from. So their Hidden Triggers are really just forcing me to live in my purpose. And even if the swap was successful, the spiritual burdens assigned to me would eventually find them. Because all of my destiny has to be fulfilled. Unfortunately, some people are so bothered by the burdens that come with the flesh God gave them…that the fine print gets ignored…and swap meats become an obsession.”

“I went back to the chat and ion wanna talk about it………………..I just think it’s funny how I’m supposed to pretend my niece isn’t being held hostage, every time I don’t pimp my ride out. Everything was going fine with muting my menace…until I found out my BM has had a perfectly good car…that was left to her after her dad passed…parked in her garage. I’m not all the way in the business of telling people what to do with their assets…but this is déjà vu. Because my BM’s dad gave her a car a few months before my niece started her first year of school too. When I asked if she could pay her bLeSsiNg forward by giving my sister her other one…I was ignored. And spent the next 4 years conducting rides…while they ran trains on my psyche. So today…I expressed my polarity.”

“My misHandlers are in the middle of another ransom ritual. Suh-fu*king-prise. Disconnecting from the kids is never a choice I’ll choose and they know that. So my little sister still has the privilege of dangling the presence of her child above my head…with the hope that I’ll be baited into self-sacrificing. This time I made the mistake of using her situation as proof of one of our generational curses…after communication to my niece was cut again. And that comparison put me back on the ‘read and ignore’ list. It feels like this is another attempt to get me to go back to the chat though because they always send the Young Mom in to trigger me when I ghost them. The intention is to get me to respond irrationally…so they can spray me with silence. Because these rituals are meant to switch out my energy with theirs.”

“Being a focal point is always an afterthought for me…until I have the attention of someone who has mine. Before my mind matured, my physique was my dawg whistle. After I woke up, I couldn’t even have a conversation unless I was being stimulated…mentally. Because I have nothing to do with the image God created when He molded me. The shape of this mind was sculpted from the years I intentionally spent laying on my back though. So getting someone I like to stand at attention…from thoughts produced by all my hard work…hits different. And it makes me feel seen for who I actually am. This gives me the kind of happiness that money can’t buy…and builds the kind of bond…that everyone pays attention to.”

“It’s giving parallel universe atp. I know I’ve been professing my spiritual beliefs for a ‘long periolodically time’…but believing is a lot different than seeing. And now I’m actually starting to feel crazy because what I see…is nothing close to what my ‘family’ tried to convince me I saw as a child. I’ve always had the ability to dissect behavior in a way that exposes people’s demons. But I was born into the kind of ‘family’ that prefers to live comfortably with theirs. They had to condition me to second guess my intuition because when I’m aligned with my gift of sight…I have a bird’s eye view of everything that needs to be healed. So they forced me to carry all their unhealed trauma. Because it weighed my spirit down…and raised theirs.”

“I started this new thing where I turn inward when someone’s behavior encourages me to lash outwards. But I just started a few minutes ago so I don’t have a success story yet. The thought came after I realized how far people will go to avoid taking solid advice. And that distance is usually created by discrediting the deliverer. Which is why I’m reminded of my ‘disorder’…anytime I speak an uncomfortable truth. This tactic triggered tf out of me…until one of the few people who have my respect, expressed a truth I didn’t want to hear. My initial response was to find fault so I didn’t have to listen. After I finally submitted, I had to accept that most of my triggers…come from me projecting my behavior onto other people.”

“I didn’t even make it 24 hours before reneging on my decision to rELeAsE my ‘family’. (SSs Below) I promise I had every intention of cutting communication but…I wanted to keep hurting them with my words…the same way their silence hurts me. Projectile texting in the group chat is my coping mechanism and I’ve had a hard time stopping because my silence solidifies my ex-communication. So I went back to remind them that their Hocus Pocus plot failed. And I ended it by reminding my twin how she randomly said I’d never be the “chosen one”…right before their trigger triathlon started. But now that I’ve set the intention to remove souls who make daily deductions from my energy bank…I’m the one going through withdrawals.”

“I feel like 86.5% of the things I’ve experienced up to this point were meant to mentally incapacitate me. And if I hadn’t followed the guidance to start honoring my Ancestors, it probably would’ve. The smear campaign against my mental was meant to make me look crazy, but my admittance of Ancestral praise will also have people looking at me like I need to be straitjacketed. Because we’ve been brainwashed into believing that calling on (the solid) souls who came before us…is some sort of sorcery. Even though God was the One who gave them life…and we share DNA. I do my best not to police the religious practices of other people. BUT if my ability to show gratitude to individuals who actually look like me is seen as anything other than love…something’s wrong.”

“I’ve always had an issue speaking my mind with people because…I never know when I’m saying something that I’m not supposed to know. I feel like that’s what gave me away to my BM because the older I get…the more I realize this is what gives me away to most people. No one ever tells me when I’ve said a secret out loud though. But sometimes I can tell based off the response. Because they go from being indifferent towards me…to desperately obsessed with seeking out my hidden truths. IMO…it’s to cope with the vulnerability their exposure forces them to feel. My move away from their brand of toxicity, must be why I feel like so many of them are now tuned in from the bushes…waiting to see what I say next.”

“I developed an addiction to artichokes recently and…I’ve been eating them everyday for the last few weeks. When I first got the cravings…I looked up different ways to cook them. One video I watched ended up showing me that I’d been throwing away the best part…for YEARS. I only had my own understanding to rely on back then, so whenever I got to the hairy part…I stopped eating. Ngl, being shown the right way to do it almost had me in tears. Because it reminded me how many pleasurable experiences we miss out on in life…without the kind of guidance that helps grant our access to it. For me, if it’s healthy…not stopping when I get to the undesirable parts is always the lesson. And now that I know how to get to the heart of what I do desire…I can’t get enough.”