Withdrawals
**Full Disclosure: This was supposed to be posted yesterday but my pride sent it to my overflowing ‘do not post’ pile. And I replaced it with a random blog, directed at hypocritical cHriSTiAns, that I wrote back in August. But God sent me a couple signs earlier to post this so…here we are. I’m only posting 2 of the 9 texts I sent to the chat though because...mind ya’ business.**
I feel weird…
I didn’t even make it 24 hours before reneging on my decision to rELeAsE my ‘family’. (SSs Below) I promise I had every intention of cutting communication but…I wanted to keep hurting them with my words…the same way their silence hurts me. Projectile texting in the group chat is my coping mechanism and I’ve had a hard time stopping because my silence solidifies my ex-communication. So I went back to remind them that their Hocus Pocus plot failed. And I ended it by reminding my twin how she randomly said I’d never be the “chosen one”…right before their trigger triathlon started. But now that I’ve set the intention to remove souls who make daily deductions from my energy bank…I’m the one going through withdrawals.
My unoffically oFFiCiAL decision to stop texting the group…has my energy all over the place. I went from working out every day, to missing the last 3 days in a row. And I didn’t even notice until I got the overwhelming urge to break something earlier. I thought about breaking my computer in half for a while, until my logic spoke up on its behalf. Then I couldn’t get the idea of throwing a glass against the wall out of my head. I fully realize this is a result of all my pent up anger, so I’ll exercise after I write this. But I honestly feel like going to somebody’s smash room is what would “make me feel better”. Because this is hard for me to accept. Agreeing to the terms of trauma set by my little sister, in order to stay in their loop, helped me prolong the inevitable. But now I really have to adjust to my new normal.
Yesterday a Roseanne Barr video was in my YT recommendeds and I felt guided to click on it. Right before I was about to click off of it…I heard her make a vampire analogy that reminded me of what I’m experiencing. She said that ‘narcissists are like vampires because they can’t look at their own reflection’. And that comparison had me in my feelings for a while because I’ve been telling my ‘family’ that my mANiA is their mirror for years. While they’ve been trying to suck the life out of me every moon cycle. Sacrificing some of my energy wouldn’t be an issue under healthier circumstances. Because God gave me an abundance of it for the purpose of healing. But the ones I’ve been trying to heal with…are the same ones who are committed to keeping me sick. So…I have to learn how to accept what I can’t change.
Love,
Choosy
