“It’s a few people who have a few things to say about how I respond to triggers. But…these are the same people who’ve never done anything in life without the help of someone else. So the defense mechanisms of someone who stands alone is foreign to them. Which removes the validity from their opinion…when I’m the topic of conversation. Why do I speak on what I’ve never experienced then? Bitc…Empaths don’t have to have first hand experience in order to articulate the emotions behind it. But most people aren’t empaths. Some are narcissists who are so obsessed with being the center of everyone else’s attention…that they either create us…or use us to supplement the desperation of their dependency.”

“I spent all day telling myself to “accept what I can’t change”. I hiked, I wrote, I meditated etc etc. But nothing helped the frustration I still feel for my inability to stop proving that I’m not lying about being ‘targeted’…to the same people with a vested interest in the psychosis that’s supposed to come from it. So…I asked myself what I could do to honor my emotions like an aDuLt. This is necessary because my perception is that the intent of these triggers…is to leave me feeling like I don’t have a voice. After consulting with twin…I felt guided to do arts and crafts. By the time I was done…”The Truman Show” was spelled out in big white wooden letters…on my front door. I’ll grow up next year.”

“A couple months ago the neighbor with the camera pointed at my door moved out. Then the couple across from me told me they were moving but didn’t tell me when. So my intuition told me the next camera was going to be on their door. And today…I left out and saw I was right. I did my usual two step with management but that got me nowhere. They told me I could change spaces to avoid breaking the lease but…I don’t want to leave one apartment just to move into another one again. When I got back…a why-he-tay man, who gives me military vibes, walked in behind me and went to the door with the new surveillance system. He honestly doesn’t look like he’d have any interest in keeping track of what I don’t do. But nothing is ever what it seems in my life.”

“I’m criiiiiiiiiiien…real tears. Bbbbbbbecause…I don’t know when I got too old to eat certain foods. All I wanted to do was enjoy my All Star Meal from Waffle House. But 3.5 minutes after I finished the last bite…I threw it all up. It wasn’t even the anger I felt over wasting my $18 that got me. It’s the disrespect I felt from this being the way my body gave me my reality check. And while I was numb chucking…thoughts on whether I’ve reached an age where Tums needs to be added to my grocery list started taunting me. Which is wild because I was just mocking the accountability avoidant ‘aunties’ in the group chat, over their “seasoned hen” status last year. Now…I have to switch my title from the Golden Child…to…to…to…to…the Golden giRL. ‘I can noooooot’.

“Healing is my end goal. Which is why I love meeting people who can get me to self-reflect. And I usually end up using it for content because the way I heal…could be used as a template for someone else. But some people I meet…are blissfully committed to their toxicity. These are the ones given endless opportunities to freely talk through trauma that’s clearly still affecting them…but decide to chat about Everything But That instead. My ‘family’ is like this and dealing with them left me feeling like I was the problem. Because their refusal to go within…forced them to project the behavior they didn’t want to be held accountable for…onto me. So I started having meetups in my mind..with the younger versions of myself.”

“I’m still blocked from talking to my niece while she’s with her mom. This past weekend she was with her grandmother though. So I got to spend a few hours on FT with her. During the call they went to a pet store and she ended up getting a…pet. My BM called my twin to show her the new addition and aside from her incessant pleas against the purchase…all I could focus on was how easily the word “mom” slipped off her tongue. I honestly can’t even remember what it feels like to say that word. And when the FT finally ended…I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss saying it. But until I can get past the smear campaign she initiated against my mental state…she’ll remain an opp. With the way my heart is set up…she’ll forever be a missed opportunity.”

“Until recently, I prided myself on my single digit body count. Then…I factored in all the hallways my intimate partners ran through. It was my obsession with outside validation…that had me attracting men who built their confidence on how many bodies they sculpted. So when our sacral chakras linked, their bodies became my bodies because soul ties are energetically transferred. Which is why my healing is taking so long. I’m still battling demons that don’t even belong to me. If I had it to do over, I’d stay celibate until I did enough shadow work to align me with a better reflection of myself. Because some of the damage done from the misaligned matches…will live with us forever.”

“It irks me how some men who take pride in their heartlessness…always have the biggest ones. Especially since the persona they portray…can be torn apart…the minute they meet the product of their heartbreaks. I’m usually that product and it’s so good that most get addicted…just off my energy. It’s always giving heavy pick me vibes when it comes to the men I entertain. So if it’s ever a situation where it’s their happiness or mine…I’m picking me every time. Which is why I attract men who always put their feelings first too. They attract me because my refusal to be caged, unintentionally shows them what they put the women before me through. And I always end up asking them for forgiveness…just like they did with all the hearts their former heartlessness broke.”

“The new moon is coming up and…these hoes clocked in early. I gave them their ‘in’ by reneging on my decision not to help my little sister. And before the energy of fake outrage is sent out…hold that. Because she was doing good carrying the weight on her own. So when she finally asked me to help, I helped…like a dummy. Today ended up being another ‘waste my time’ trigger. I was asked to pick my niece up from practice…but was given the wrong time to be there. Then, when I didn’t give the reaction that was expected…she conveniently “dozed off” and left me outside texting/calling her for 20 minutes. Leaving me no other option…but to react. Atp, do I think my refusal to accept them for who they’re showing me they are is the issue? And do.”

“I’ve noticed that most people who were bullied…purposely work hard to end up in positions of power. Because feeling like the underdog in childhood…can breed an obsession with feeling like the big one in adulthood. And I can relate…even though I didn’t have the misfortune of being bullied until I got older. Most adult bullies have no real sense of self and always move in groups to target specific individuals. The key to exposing their cowardice is by offending the fragility of their ego. Once that’s accomplished…they’ll put their reputation in jeopardy to get their lick back. Their childhood experiences leave them with a fixation for the kind of revenge that’s never satisfied…and this is usually what forces their fall from the pedestal they worked so hard to place themselves on.”

“I have a past filled with people I used as collateral damage…to pacify my hurt ego. This was my era of entitlement…and it always peaked when I was in my feelings. So if someone made me mad…I felt entitled to behave in a way that could give them a stroke. It was my toxic way of keeping my books bALaNcEd…until God sent me the only mirror I couldn’t break with my deflection. This was His way of letting me know He was tired of me cosplaying Him. After dealing with my actual reflection long enough…I finally realized God was trying to teach me that even if someones behavior offends me…it doesn’t justify me one up’ing that offense…by doing the same thing. Even if I know how to do it better.”

“I used to be skilled in the art of projection. And because I still have traces of it in my energy…I still attract souls who possess the same skill set. These are the type who’ll ask you to apologize over and over again…for a mistake they’re also guilty of. This is a manipulation tactic meant to make you feel like you have to prove yourself. It’s so they can disguise their refusal to be to you…who they’re expecting you to be for them. Eventually you’ll get sent a clue on why they were moving like that. Once their shadow is brought to light, they’ll try to wipe your memory clean…by suggesting that you drink the kool aid of one forced apology. In an effort to make you lean away from remembering the jungle of emotional unrest, their convenient unforgiveness held you captive in.”

“After accepting that these humiliation rituals were always meant to block my happiness and silence my voice, I asked God to “help me transmute that energy into love and light”. A few minutes later, I felt guided to talk to my inner Tiffany Valentine. So I grabbed one of my niece’s dolls and pretended she was me…before my first experience with public embarrassment. I prepared her for what she’d eventually have to deal with and stressed that if she ever took the bait by projecting the subsequent misplaced anger onto others…she’d spend years being humbled…until she learned to be humble. Then I held her, while envisioning the energy of unconditional love being transferred between us. Because I knew she’d never not take the bait.”

“I finally got to talk to my niece…but the week I spent in solitary confinement, woke up the voices in my head. Atp, I’m used to the mob mentality of these wild whor…boars. But I don’t think I’ll ever get used to suppressing the rage I feel when I acknowledge that it’s their undiagnosed mental disturbances, that’s intentionally impeding my peace. I have a few go to affirmations when I get triggered like this…but they weren’t working like they used to. So I asked my Guides to help me find a new mantra I could repeat over and over, that would silence the sadistic tendencies of my other half. And my voice of reason quietly screamed…”Thy will be done.”.”

“Months later, after he brought it back up, I caught the stray fist that left me with a permanent reminder of him. If I had taken time to factor in how my unhealed trauma would have me intentionally provoking his…I would’ve never given him my number. If I had taken time to acknowledge the trauma in him that I was incapable of healing…I would’ve left when I first found out about it. But my ego’s need to feel like I saved someone, completely capable of saving himself, made me ignore all of our red tags. And my refusal to accept that I was the one I needed to save…had us both catching strays…until I finally gave him back to the streets I found him on.”

“Dealing with souls who’ve been conditioned to believe that rules don’t apply to them, is a lot. Because the goal post is always moving. How do I know? i’M spEAkiNg HyPoTheTicALLy. These types of energies are like pocket gophers because we’r…they’re territorial over what doesn’t even belong to them…while expecting the actual property owner to go for anything. They’re gifted at going beneath the surface to move around energy that’s stagnant. But possessing the ability to easily detach from them is necessary because their carelessness can damage your root systems. So if there aren’t boundaries put in place…their love for digging out different tunnels…could destroy your whole foundation.”

“Tim Burton’s rendition of Alice In Wonderland held my attention today and The Mad Hatter stood out. IMO, Wonderland is about psychosis and most of its characters represent a different mEnTaL diSOrDeR. Hatter’s intentional inability to focus suggests he’d be misdiagnosed with ADHD…if he was in the ‘real’ world. But the attention to detail required in his chosen profession, makes it obvious that he just picks and chooses when he follows man made rules. Before rewatching it, I fell for Hatter’s rebellious spirit. This time…I fell in love with how protective he is of Alice. That protection allowed her to see through all his madness…so he could help her remember who she is…and fulfill her prophecy.”

“I finally watched Sinners today. It took me a minute because…I like doing things on my own time. I honestly need these movie distractions right now because my sister still refuses to let me talk to my niece…just in time for the full moon. The script had a lot of wisdom written into it…but the lesson on acceptance stood out to me. Because God is in the process of teaching me how to let go of my sAViOr complex. I keep going back to my DIY default, for responsibilities that belong to my sister, but all that’s doing is keeping her fangs of entitlement intact. So this time, instead of letting her disrespect drain me…I’m making her carry her own weight. I knew my boundary would temporarily cut access to my heart…but staying in this emotionally abusive cycle would permanently suck the life out of me.”

“Today I felt guided to rewatch Kandi from Xscape’s movie The Pass on Tubi. Spiritually speaking: The movie details how chosen souls are targeted by karmics, for their essence. Because money is 3D currency…but energy is the currency in the 5D. The ‘chosen’ soul in the movie ends up marrying a karmic…who pretended his other marriage was over. And his coven of karmic friends were in on it because they all stood to benefit from her (energetic) inheritance. The spiritual ranking of a soul is what determines how many energies are sent in to run a blitz like this. So for her…’a scheme was set up’ by creating a business for her to work at…to make the love lie look believable. But the onus was on the ‘chosen one’ because…God gifts us with discernment…so we can call audibles.”

“Now that I’m finally able to maintain my composure under pressure, I’m wondering if my past episodes of lunaticism were just the backend of pent up truth…purposely suppressed by me in order to keep the peace. Because when I used to get angry…I’d say everything I refused to say when I wasn’t. Most times it felt like someone flipped a switch inside of me that forced me to emotionally cripple the target(s) of my frustration. Shadow work taught me it’s okay to speak up about what’s hurting me. Daily meditation taught me how to control my impulses. And accepting that I was sent to Earth to experience pain…so that I could learn how to transmute it into love…helped me make peace with my existence.”