But instead of “electrifying” their pupils…their ego “pacifies” them, while craving to be seen as a ‘god’ in a field that isn’t their ministry. That oversight can lead one to ‘sacrifice’ their morals, in order to achieve what they want for themselves. As opposed to achieving what God wants for them. This behavior only leads to mental unrest, at a time when your hard work suggests you should be moving forward with peace of mind. I don’t want that to be my story. So I’m continuing on my journey towards the intentional death of my ego. I’m not bigger than God’s purpose for my life and I pray my actions never suggest to God that I think I am.

If I have lost anyone with this post…please remind yourself that I’m ‘bipolar’ and go about your business…after energetically sending me your sarcastic sympathy for my wayward thought process. At this point, I’m less concerned with how I’ll be viewed and more inquisitive about who I am. Because weird things like this keep happening. And I can’t imagine that this amount of energetic effort would be wasted on just anybody. My twin telling me “I’ll never be the chosen one” has been playing in my head all day and now I really want to know who tf am I?

I realize this subject is sensitive because it’s taboo for an African…American person to openly speak on ideologies of non-inclusion. Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that welcoming outsiders with open arms comes naturally to us. But those open arms often embrace individuals who have hidden agendas. This isn’t a one size fits all post, because some culture vultures have good intentions. And this isn’t just directed to the non-pigmented because…culture vultures come melanated too. This is directed to all non-African…Americans.

Years later, when I got more into spirituality, I learned that spells like that are actually a thing. But what I never understood was how my twin seemed to know so much about spell work…at a time when I felt my life wouldn’t stop falling apart. A couple years ago, I brought up the ‘freezer spell’ incident in one of the chats; but my twin suggested this was another one of my ‘delusions’. Everything has always been “in my mind”, even after God exposed her hand when our father died. She still explains that away as an ‘omen’…even with all the details I gave. That situation allowed me to be more comfortable calling a thing a thing, without getting confused by the art of her gaslighting. Which is what I did today.

“Once again, I feel like a ‘lick’ who has been ‘child trapped’ by a family full of bitters. Their expectations of me, in regards to my sister’s child, makes me feel like they’re trying to make up for the fact that I outsmarted my first two ‘trap artists’.”

That left me with a question I still haven’t been able to answer…”Am I really bipolar?” Because if I am, the reactions I’ve had to my reality makes a lot more sense…and I’m considering reworking the angle that I write this blog from. All this time, I’ve been fighting this uphill battle…in an effort to prove to those around me, and to those reading, that I’m not who they say I am. So much so that I go out of my way to carry the weight of others, in hopes of proving it doesn’t matter how much is put on my plate; because I’ll still be able to compartmentalize and handle it accordingly. But.I.Am.Tired.

I found an old diary of mine from 2011 and decided to start reading it. This is one of 2 diaries that I still have in my possession. And when I read them, I always wish I had the ones from my childhood. Because I was always so detailed with my thoughts. I‘ve wondered if the loss of the diaries, from my younger years, was intentional on my BMs part…because I’d still have them if it wasn’t for her. I remember little to nothing from before the age of 12 and I feel like those memories would’ve helped me remember what I feel she wanted me to forget.

“I fully realize I’ll probably look bat sh*t crazy to whoever reads those panic attack emails…and to whoever reads this post. And to that I can’t really say much. Because I’m aware enough to know that all of this sounds delusional to people who don’t have these experiences.”

Kendrick was born with a purpose that many people will never have the misfortune of feeling the weight of. He’s part of a collective responsible for leading a shift in consciousness. In order to be ‘chosen’ for this type of work…you have to spend years learning, through pain, how to master yourself against the tactics of your opponents. In order to guide the younger generations through experiences they haven’t experienced yet. After hearing his diss(ertation)…I can humbly say Mr. Lamar just graduated another spiritual assignment…with the honor of God.

During the never ending services, my ‘mother’ prayed her long winded prayers…paid the fee for attendance…and then we’d leave and go about our everyday lives. Outside of the weekly church dates, God was never discussed…at all. It’s like He was restricted to the pew and altar area…only to be called on when monetary gains were needed. And those discussions seemed to only be allowed to take place in a building…that warranted a constant request for funding ‘donations’. So when I left home…I had little desire to go to church, unless I needed to say my ‘gimme that’ prayer.

My experience is the suicide origin story, that a lot of people eventually succumb to. When you’re surrounded by ‘family’ who scapegoat you..after so many years it’s easy to believe that deletion is the only option for relief. Because if your own family is able to abuse you…then disregard you so easily…what hope do you stand with anyone else? But the space on Earth I now choose to intentionally take up, is proof that the last laugh can go to the one everyone laughed at. If we learn how to control our emotions…alternate our perspective and delete the ability of those around us from continuing to project their mental imbalance onto us.

My last move was when I was finally able to prove I wasn’t making this up. I had managed to avoid disclosing my location for a while…until my father died. Months before that, I had told the group chat that I had no intention of letting them know where I stay. Because every time I do…a camera magically appears. I was called a “paranoid schizophrenic” by my twin and everyone else ignored me. Then, after filling out the paperwork related to my father’s death…I had to give my address on a document shared with my twin. A couple months later…is when the three tiered security system appeared.

Whether my siblings want to admit it or not…we’ve all waited our entire lives for our ‘mother’ to let her guard down. I can assume all I want about what causes her to be so solution avoidant. Like my assumption that she punishes me as a way to vicariously punish her ‘mother’, while wanting me to make the appointment…so that she gets her long standing desire for a maternal type love…in a roundabout way. But my assumptions answer nothing. I now just want to know the reasoning for why she’s still content being this way, after all the opportunities she’s had to go in a different direction.

I’m definitely spiritually inclined…but not enough to understand how I knew what to say when I said it. After paying closer attention to my intuition…I started noticing that their familial triggers, meant to throw off my mental balance, usually occurred around a certain time in any given month. That time was usually on/around a full moon. I’ve noticed similar trigger attempts happen on new moons as well, but the big ones usually happen when the moon is full. There’s no coincidence that this latest trigger falls right in line with that time line. The full moon is(was) 4.23.24.

What you do to others, will be done to you. So today, after emotionally exploding on the group about how they’re '“lil mangy dogs”…who were trying to get me fired, by requiring I dedicate so much of my work schedule to taking care of a responsibility …that doesn’t even belong to me. Among many…many…many other toxic things said by me…I wasn’t surprised when I was later outed for a flaw of mine…that I do my best to conceal. Whenever embarrassment finds my location, I’ve noticed there’s always something I’ve recently done to bring embarrassment to someone else. So…my exposè is compensation, in order for God to balance out the energies.

Long story longer: “Friendship” is a fantasy unless it’s a relationship you have with self. Because everyone is walking around with some kind of unhealed trauma. If you engage with another human soul for long enough…at some point your existence will trigger an unflattering emotion within them. If you look closely at how they behave when that happens…you’ll get my point.

My BM used to tell me, in high school, that she had no clue how I had friends. Aside from the uncomfortably obvious undertones of projection…I can now see how she came to her assessment of my behavior. I’ve been an overtly undercover ‘mean girl’ for as long as I can remember. ‘Diagnosis’ aside…I’ve always known…that I always know…exactly what I’m doing. I’ve been able to water down how I view my meanness though. Because I found sovereignty in the fact that my inner demon…never appears unless provoked. But if my perspective is polluted…provocation is inevitable.

Look at the lengths my ‘mother’ has gone, just to avoid admitting that she lied on me. In order to take the attention off the parenting that left her children so emotionally damaged. I wouldn’t still be trying to get her to acknowledge what she lied about, if she wasn’t sitting back watching her other child force me into taking care of responsibilities…that are not mine. Responsibilities that wouldn’t even be hers, if our ‘mother’ had prepared her for womanhood. At this point…my BM can’t have it both ways. My initial call for counseling was either a result of a “manic episode” or it was a result of me trying to prevent exactly what’s happening now.

I literally just learned how to avoid ‘trigger traps’ like the one I fell in earlier. One avoidance technique that’s been working is alchemizing my energy instead of giving the non beneficial version of it to the horde. I do this through writing, working out, watching old movies and funny YT videos, etc. But I went the other way today and chose to give the negative energy back to the ones who gave it to me. That’s not where I should’ve gone. And it makes me feel like I’m still not where I should be. But…it’s where I am.

Over the years, there have been many examples of similar situations taking place in the news. The most notable one took place on a Mexican vacation among a group of ‘friends’. I won’t say my ‘family’ would take it to that extreme, but God shows us who is for and against us before we get betrayed. If you see the slightest hint of someone showing signs that they’ll use a lie to stomp your light out the first chance they get…exit stage left. Not doing so will only put you in an energetically draining scenario, that you may not recover from.