I’ve been trying my hardest to distance myself from my delusions of grandeur. And it was almost starting to work…until last week, when I had my niece for the day. I ended up finding out my BioMom has been tracking locations while she’s with me…on a phone she’d been letting her use…ever since my little sister reinstated our communication. I figured it out after the phone died, and my little sister started blowing mine up…because my BM got the sudden urge to “sEnD a cODe” to that number. I tried to excuse away the pedestal paranoia it produced. But that was pointless. Because earlier today, I found out my BM asked for that phone back…days after I took my assumptions to the Gang Goofy chat. Shocking.

The commitment that my ‘family’ still has towards using me as their bipolar beard is…crazy. None of them have come back groveling out of guilt and…that’s bothering me. Because I feel like I failed at getting them to see how flawed our foundation is. I thought falling back, to work on me, would eventually spark a ripple effect. But my absence is just allowing them to go back to living comfortably, in our generationally cursed chaos. Which also bothers me. Unfortunately, my urge to spend an endless amount of energy, rant raging in the chat is nowhere to be found. So I’m trying to find a way to cope with the fact that my attempts at waking us up to our dysfunction, ignited the kind of fear in them…that made them fold.

Ion know what’s going on in the energy right now. But it’s a lot of people getting a crash course on the consequences of speaking recklessly…about those who possess the ability…to clock tf out of them. Watching from the outside looking in gives second hand embarrassment. And it’s making me rethink the passion I have for being so pretentiously petty. Because it’s only a matter of time before shots that’ve been sent out…return back to sender. I still enjoy watching people, I don’t like, get violated by the same play they tried running on someone else though. It’s comforting…but…cautionary tale-ish at the same time. Which is slightly annoying. Since I read hoes so effortlessly.

I have a heightened level of disgust for people who rely on being led from the outside in. Because they lack the ability to form original thoughts. So their opinions are usually given to them, from someone they’ve been conditioned to believe has more power. Which turns all their words into co-sign commentary…spoken in an effort to be stamped, by a self-serving savior. I used to be able to relate, because I was raised to form my beliefs around what was socially acceptable…instead of being taught how to think for myself. So I shrunk my psyche to fit in with follow the leader frequencies…until I learned the value of my individuality. Then…the crowd started following me. Weirdos.

I’m in the middle of not giving af…and not caring that I don’t. Which can lead to pole dances…filled with cheek claps…for those who can’t stop paying me attention. Putting on a ‘gun’ show is what I’m expected to do, whenever these energies go out their way…to let me know they’re still on my body. But my eyes are locked in with an energy who commands my attention with authenticity…instead of begging for it in booby trap bars. The pressure applied from that originality must be goals. Because the Puppy ExPressed’s are trying hard to play big dawg. Even though all their yapping…is giving their true essence away.

I used to spend a lot of time pretending not to know what was going on around me because…I usually didn’t know. I tried to pay attention to everything, but most people smoke screen. So my intuition started keeping me updated…on a ‘need to know’ basis. But lately, it’s felt like I’ve entered my ‘all you can eat’ era. Because my spirit won’t stop feeding me insight…on the energies…that are in my energy. To the point where I’m now bluffing my way out of acknowledging all the hands (to mouths) I see. I feel like this is probably just a lesson in self-control though. Since I bite at everything, when I’m in my feelings. And with the bEeF that’s been laid out for me recently…God must be in the process of testing my will.

Being overly protective of my heart holder has always been my achilles heel. Because attracting someone who matches my energy, enough to trust them with the weight of that carry, takes for f*cking ever. It’d be cute to pretend my above average attentiveness is selfless but…I honestly just don’t want to risk outside distractions, coming in to target the hands that have me. So…I usually shoot first and think second over them. But lately, I’ve been being guided to observe my own triggers…to expose any vulnerable spots that could make my fingers slip. This reconnaissance now has me unmatching with old energies that I‘ve already struck out on. Which is long overdue since…we no longer appear to have anything in common.

I used to have a habit of feeling sorry for my inability to escape the pressure of my perceived persecution. It felt like the harder I worked, the less I had to show for it. And that’s annoying asf. But every time I went to take my tears to God…I was reminded of the part I played, before I could finish my sob session. Because I chose to terminate the seeds I carried…that were supposed to be planted on this planet. The insight I now have about my gifts, lets me know the potential that could’ve been passed through my parenting. So doing this work, without any of the (3D) rewards that should come from it, feels like Divine Justice. Since I took out the rightful reapers, of what I was sent here to sow.

Childhood trauma has raised a lot of mentally fragile adults. This fragility usually goes unnoticed…until we meet a force who reminds us of our frailness. Insecurity is our biggest tell. And projection is the tool used, for those attempting to destiny swap a sense of inferiority…with a spirit they feel is superior to them. Instead of healing. This transference of trauma is always done passive aggressively. Because being direct, with someone who has the nerve to showcase strength, damages the ego of a weak mind. So subliminal shots are sent out…to souls who stand in the supernatural ability…of overcoming environments…that emotionally crippled the sitting ducks that target them.

I didn’t live on my own until I was 32. Before then, I unknowingly roommated with spirits who monitored my day to days. But moving out on my own made that impossible. After I broke up with my last ex…there was no one left to clock me. Which is when the first pop up cam was introduced. It was awkwardly angled, in order for it to be pointed directly at my door. And that birthed my first Karen complaint to leasing…via email. I’ve lived in two different places since then, and the same thing always happens…months after I establish residency. So moving to escape this fish bowl experience feels useless. Since it seems like there’s always a new nosey a$$ neighbor…brought in to stopwatch me.

I’ve never had an issue saying the quiet parts out loud. Because making someone else uncomfortable…feels better than sitting in the discomfort of leaving something unsaid. But today I ear hustled my way into a conversation…that helped me understand why some people find comfort in awkward silences. The words spoken hinted at emotional instability; but the energy felt like a deep level of shared distrust. And everything in me wanted to pause their sh*t show, to encourage them to constructively air out the real issue. Unfortunately, the longer I listened, the more I realized that the tension between them…was because of me. So, I sat back and let it play out. Shocked by how assumptions…can literally lead to a$$ clown behavior.

Insight is a gift that most people can’t afford. Because in order to possess it…you have to let go of the seeing is believing mentality. Fitting in with societal standards requires proof of privilege though. Which means ulterior motives can go undetected…if they’re masked by materialism. Blindly buying into what I saw, is what stunted the growth of my intuition for so long. And my (third eye) vision wasn’t restored, until I learned that real motion is sensed…not seen. But this world moves on the axis of appearances. So presentation will continue to be the tool that prevents the discovery of intent, if our discernment remains easily distracted…by our sight.

Effort is everything to me…because it requires you to put action behind thought. So showing me you care, will always mean more than just using your words…to make me think you do. I had a few situations where this was done for me over the last couple weeks. But I was bothered asf by the action figure, so I didn’t put my feelings on display. And before thoughts of taking them off the shelves indefinitely set in, I was shown the kind of effort…that stopped me dead in my tracks. Because what was in front of me…reflected words I’ve said in the past, that I assumed were overlooked. Which took away all the desire I pretended to have…for new soul shopping.

**To Whom It May Concern**

I Owe yoU’s aren’t usually the kind of vows you make to someone you care about unconditionally. Real bonds are stamped with seals that won’t break. So failing to return a favor doesn’t strengthen/weaken it because…tabs aren’t kept. But reciprocity is my love language. And there’s an energy that has had me locked in with them for a while…souly based off their contribution to my spiritual growth. Before this connection…I never had tangible evidence that I know what I know…before I’m supposed to know it. My ‘family’ could’ve been my source of confirmation, but they chose to gaslight tf out of me. Which is why this need to put action behind those three words…is so strong.

The deeper my feelings are involved, the less effort it takes…to make my Left Eye jump. Which is why I have a history of over reacting to small things, behind my bloods. I never really noticed this habit…but they picked up on my pattern a while ago. So when I had to start distancing myself from my feelings for them, they retaliated by setting up spiritual stake outs…that were meant to trigger outer body experiences. And I gave them the show they wanted…every time. These energy vamp fires used to engulf all of my emotions. But I learned how to control them better, once I understood that their compulsion with getting a reaction…was their way of figuring out if I still care.

Dealing with individuals who have a heightened sense of self is draining…asf. Because the ego that comes with the egregiousness of this entitlement, forces us to ignore where our pOWeR actually comes from. (God.) I see a lot of these types pretending to be familiar with a higher power when it’s convenient though. It’s almost like they use God’s grace as a navigation key to the green. And once the top of the game is reached, behavior begins to reflect a character that was thought to be hidden from Him. Atp, humility becomes an acquired taste. So someone is sent in to test hearts. Which usually results in us being humbled…by the person that we least expect.

My maturity took a while to…mature. And in that time, I rage reacted to triggers…that were meant to teach me self-control. I always excused my behavior because I was responding to what I perceived as intellectual instigation. To me, shots were being fired at my mental. So I felt entitled to let out every emotion that came to mind. Which was a trap. Because my irrational reactions just exposed my dependency on trauma responses, birthed from my inability to set boundaries…with myself. I honestly saw my ability to be verbally violent as a strength. But I was actually being baited into revealing all my weakness…through my war of words.

Making the same mistakes from my past has delayed most of my present day progress. I was convinced that my commitment to doing what I knew was wrong…would eventually lead me in the right direction. Even though I never got any proof to back that belief. A while ago, I started noticing that these oPpORtuNiTiEs for obstacle creations…always appear when I align my mindset with staying on course. Laying up with what was least expected of me, would’ve been safer. But my ego’s obsession with taking these long shots, superseded logic. And my recklessness used to convince me there was worth in these risks. Until I started focusing on the position I want be in…in the future.

Last night I let myself feel the unsatisfying things I’ve been refusing to acknowledge. Tear shed followed the feelings. And guidance followed the blinking baptismal. Half way through it, I heard “surrender, don’t succumb”. Which helped refocus my attention on the bigger picture…my purpose. I’ve had issues accepting that I came to Earth to feel pain, for the soul purpose of learning how to heal from it…so I can write about the process. But after years of being unable to talk God out of His decision, I cHoSE to surrender to His will. Instead of succumbing to the man made circumstances, that were created to break me. Which is what was needed to put me back in alignment…with my assignment.

Desperation is a distraction…that has the attention of a lot of singulars. The idea of being coupled is more appealing than solo cuffing. So the race to pin down that one, becomes a priority for those who can’t stand aloneness. Energy like this has women DM sliding…and men Homer Simpsoning. Which gives…unnatural. Fortunately, circumstances have made my solitude so satisfying…that being with someone seems inconvenient. And I think it birthed an avoidant attachment dating style, that has me showing up as the worst parts of my personality…just to escape real connections. Because my logic told me that I can’t be hurt…if you’re too preoccupied with figuring out why I keep trying to hurt you.