“But up until a few months ago, the feeder was for decorative purposes only. One day, after communication was cut with my niece again, I got the urge to take care of something…that I didn’t birth. So I cleaned it out and put bird food in it. After a few weeks I started noticing that I’d hear more chirping when the seeds were running out so I put myself on a feeder schedule…to make sure I give them what I’ve convinced myself they now expect. It wasn’t until I started prioritizing their food on my grocery list that I realized…I have a problem. Because I’m still finding new ways…to make it my responsibility…to take care of what God has already made provisions for. And…that urge is coming back.”

“It’s the way I came to the internet to escape my real life but just ended up finding more of the same. Because atp…it’s giving crashing out over internet kewchie. I like taking my mind off the chaos that is my actual life so over the years, I’ve been in dozens of comment sections. I’m a natural flirt but never did I think there would be anyone who would become as fixated on my energy as a couple people have. This…is…the…internet…but after seeing how butt hurt some former faves have gotten at the sight of me turning my attention away from them…all I can say is…baby please go touch some grass.”

“I added a new ritual to my self-care routine. My new thing is staring at my reflection in the mirror until I stop weighing the beauty standards of the world…against the image staring back at me. Once I reach that point…I tell myself how beautiful I am. Today was different though because one of the voices in my head told me to close my eyes so I could feel my beauty. My meditative mode started digging deep into my darkness…until it was rudely interrupted. Intrusive thoughts came through about the force field of dog hoe energy that’s followed me my whole life…for the ‘soul’ purpose of sacrificing my confidence. But after I started feeling myself again…I realized it’s because my energy has always been that b!tch. With all due arrogance.”

“I love looking in my mirror…until I see a blemish. Last week, a pimple the size of Shrek showed up on my forehead and had me in every inch of my feelings. I almost popped it but the rebound scarring wouldn’t have been worth the instant gratification. So I had to be patient with the healing process. The only time those things play in my face is when too much stress is present…so I had to own the fact that I’d been thinking thoughts that compromised my connection to my peace. Acknowledging that didn’t make it go away any faster though. But it reminded me to be careful what I give my attention to…in order to avoid walking around looking pimped out in the future.”

“I like using my words to bring out the best in the people around me. Which is why I take my sarcasm so seriously. It gets the most use when I’m with my niece because wit wars are our thing. The other day we were going back and forth about age, after I told her she’s too young to be in my business. Her reply? She asked what year I was born and I should’ve known it was a set up. Because after I answered…she asked me if dinosaurs were still alive “back then”. After my soul returned…I learned a lesson that God’s been trying to teach me for a while. I can’t handle when certain people do me how I do them. I’m too sensitive but…sometimes it’s what I need. My reply to being cleared? I said “Yes sir.” and tapped out before a tear dropped.”

“Ricky Bobby is a personal hero of mine because…he just gets it. Earlier I kept thinking about the accident that left him pAraLyiZEd. It took a lot to convince him that his paralysis was all in his mind but what eventually came from his recovery…was the realization that his perception of winning was warped. Which is a lesson God has been teaching me for almost a year. “With all due respect”…his ‘dad’ was a Stimple…self-serving…spotlight seeking narc…who implanted the seeds that left him obsessed with outside validation. And as entertaining as his journey back to self was…it’s still a reminder of how hard it is to break the psychological conditioning instilled in us by toxic parenting.”

“It’s no exaggeration when I say God allowed all the goof troops to craft the perfect web of triggers…meant to invoke a humiliation ritual the size of su!c!de for me. But why me?…I see through them. Now, everyone who’s offended by my ability to sniff out their inner sacrificer…is caught tf up. And I’m sitting here in shock by the way people who claim to be so mentally stable…were outsmarted by a mENtaLLy unBaLaNCed biPoLaR person. My ‘family’ seems to be in shambles ever since I told them how good of a book I feel like our group chat screen shots would make. Because now that I finally made it to the other side of their “spiritual psychosis” allegations…they know I’m capable of anything. Their reaction to the bluff they don’t know I’m making, is enough for me though.”

“I hate feeling regret over things I could’ve done differently. Because those thoughts usually make me sit in the energy of resistance and…resistance repels recovery. Which is why I try to find the lesson in my losses as fast as possible. That way I can move around my bruised ego’s desire to redo something that’s already done. I’ve been reckless with my reactions for most of my life and 9.5/10 I end up using the wrong words. And once they’re spoken…they can’t be unsaid. I always mean what I say when I say it but the consequences enforced by some…teaches me whose top I can play on. So being a quick study on who I can give this work to…has saved me a lot of remorse.”

“I feel like it’s time for me to come clean about my addiction…to (mis)matching energy. I usually pretend I’m giving back what I get but if I’m bothered…I always look for ways to overgive. Because that’s the only way I feel like I break even. In the past, I’ve purposely said hurtful things…in order to hit the softest spot of my target because my goal is always to walk away with a win…even when I feel like I lost. And before now, I’ve been able to gaslight my way around my guilt. But it hit me earlier, while I was taking my anger out on my kettlebell. Now, I’m left with a need to hold myself accountable for trying to inflict more hurt than I was feeling. If I don’t, I’ll set myself up to repeat history and…there’s nothing back there that I want.”

“I’ve done some things…to some people…that warrants their PTSD. So I’m not as hard on them as I am on others. Recently, my words unintentionally triggered this PTSD in one of those someones and I was oblivious to what I didn’t mean to do until I saw the reaction. Initially, I had every intention of chalking it up to a misunderstanding and taking accountability for the fact that my past (mis)behavior is the only reason the assumption was assumed. But after weighing the given response…I had to wave my fingers. Because miscommunication is one thing…but the disrespect that was shown hurt my feelings. Don’t I respond the same way when I’m in my feelings…to this day? No…comment.”

“This inherent ability to read energy gave me my advantage on escaping a lot of death traps. My ‘family’s’ inability to sacrifice me is honestly because I learned how to calculate these thoughts. And that mental math is what helps me sense similar energies in other ‘families’. I can’t say every death I hear about is a sacrifice though. But you can usually tell if it is…by the way the deceased was treated by the same one’s crying wolf after they pass. This world is full of souls who’d rather have a quick come up off the untimely demise of another because doing it the other way takes too long. Which means being real wrong about the energy you read…could cost you everything.”

“This was one of the best birthdays I’ve had in life. Not because I got a bunch of gifts that I don’t need but because it’s the first time I’ve ever felt genuine peace. But didn’t I send multiple texts antagonizing the group chat? Nop…I was annoyed! Everyone’s decided that they’re done warring with me and now they’re being nice again. My BM even had the audacity to call and wish me a HBD…even though she had me blocked the day before. So I politely let them know that the only reason I’ve been cordial was because I knew I’d be excluded from another invite list if I wasn’t. And I told my BM to keep the same energy. Because she had no issue remaining silent while her other ‘mistakes’ tried to induce my psychosis. So it’s no need to speak up now.

“My birthday always makes me crave nostalgia so I watched Cloud Atlas today. This was a movie that introduced me to the theory of past lives and it reminds me that I’m a part of a very protected network of souls. It took me a few watches to realize that all the characters…play different characters. But even with all their timeline jumps…everyones character stays the same. Because the essence of our character is dictated by our soul. My favorite lines are ”Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others…past and present. And by each crime…and every kindness…we birth our future.” I used to compare these lines to codependence…but spiritually speaking…they’re meant to encourage us to help each other heal.”

“When my spiritual journey first started…I legitimately thought God was one of the opps. Then I realized He doesn’t wave a magic wand and magically cure us of our unhealed trauma. He puts us in situations that recreate the pain we supress…and gives us the free will to either address it…or bury it even further into our subconscious. If we choose the latter…the next time He sends us the same opportunity to heal…it’ll tear us open even more than before because He has to go deeper to access that hurt. My hiDdEn pain was my sense of inferiority. Which is why I always attracted people who couldn’t see my worth. Because in order for me to heal…they had to show me how broken I still was.”

“Poetry had my attention for a while and Maya Angelou was one of the poets I fell in love with. I started researching her and found a story about her traveling abroad. She was offered a drink by the person who was hosting her and in that culture raisins were added. Dr. Angelou came from our culture so she assumed the raisins were…something else. But her refusal to disrespect the host made her drink it and she spoke about how sick she got afterwards. Days later, she found out what was really in her cup…and realized how powerful her mind was. Which is why a majority of my thoughts keep my cheeks raised now. Because the wrong ones can literally make me mentally ill. And that can manifest into physical illness if it goes unchecked for too long.”

“Love Jones is my favorite…because it had both. I found a double disc DVD, with A Thin Line Between Love & Hate on side B, a while ago at Goodwill. For whatever reason…I felt like watching side A again today and it made me reminisce about the kind of love that happens organically. Darius would’ve caught a couple charges if he popped up on Nina like that in real life but…doing what he did to get the number…was him playing his role. The way their story played out felt familiar because I’ve messed up a connection behind an energy that should’ve been left in the past before too. But it was necessary because that book had to be read…so I could spend time finding my worth…before starting a new one.”

“God assigned me to my ‘family’ at birth and I’m just coming around to accepting that I was either supposed to be their sacrifice…or their savior. And I say that as unhumbly as possible. Draining my energy every moon cycle is how they tried to reach their goal. So now I have to be serious about my boundaries and keep them at bay…to save myself from the temptation of letting them slip too far into my psyche. Because I’m scared…asf…of repeating past mistakes. This past cycle I almost fell for the same trigger that keeps getting me caught up because they still bait me with the love I have for their kids. But I put myself first because coming last, in most situations, means I sacrifice my own sanity.”

“Not everyone is qualified to watch over children. Fortunately, the amount of patience and attention that’s required…reveals the ones who aren’t built for that kind of sacrifice. The last few years have had me feeling like the bad a$$ kid that required more attention than most because…I couldn’t stop throwing tantrums. I wanted to have my way…whenever I wanted…and it took God taking me under His care to get my inner child to learn a different approach. He took His time revealing my obsession with childishness to me. And when I finally opened my third eye…I saw that if I would’ve gone the way I thought I wanted to go…I would’ve missed the real blessing that came from going in the direction of growth.”

“A while back I used to watch this show called The Biggest Loser. I like seeing people transform organically and by the end of the seasons…none of the contestants looked like their day 1’s. The biggest contributor to their success was their diet and today I started weighing that against my Dark Night of the Soul experience. For years it’s felt like God has been portioning out my psychosis and as soon as I think I’ve healed one part of my personality…He introduces me to another. Now, I realize it’s because He needs to see how I handle what He adds to my plate. Because learning how to control the portions He gives me…dictates what version of me I transform into.”

“But I’m finally starting to accept that most of these bad things happen because I’m visualizing it with my mind…which is attracting it to me through my energy. Today was filled with a lot of opportunities to feed into my fear but…ion like how it makes me feel anymore. So I asked God to help me navigate through it and He told me to imagine He’s listening in to all my thoughts. After password protecting my longest running fantasy…I followed His guidance…and felt my whole body switch languages. I don’t know why submitting to this kind of supervision has such an effect on me but by the time I finished meditating on the protection I felt…all my energy was changed from fear to femininity.”