“I hate feeling regret over things I could’ve done differently. Because those thoughts usually make me sit in the energy of resistance and…resistance repels recovery. Which is why I try to find the lesson in my losses as fast as possible. That way I can move around my bruised ego’s desire to redo something that’s already done. I’ve been reckless with my reactions for most of my life and 9.5/10 I end up using the wrong words. And once they’re spoken…they can’t be unsaid. I always mean what I say when I say it but the consequences enforced by some…teaches me whose top I can play on. So being a quick study on who I can give this work to…has saved me a lot of remorse.”

“I feel like it’s time for me to come clean about my addiction…to (mis)matching energy. I usually pretend I’m giving back what I get but if I’m bothered…I always look for ways to overgive. Because that’s the only way I feel like I break even. In the past, I’ve purposely said hurtful things…in order to hit the softest spot of my target because my goal is always to walk away with a win…even when I feel like I lost. And before now, I’ve been able to gaslight my way around my guilt. But it hit me earlier, while I was taking my anger out on my kettlebell. Now, I’m left with a need to hold myself accountable for trying to inflict more hurt than I was feeling. If I don’t, I’ll set myself up to repeat history and…there’s nothing back there that I want.”

“I’ve done some things…to some people…that warrants their PTSD. So I’m not as hard on them as I am on others. Recently, my words unintentionally triggered this PTSD in one of those someones and I was oblivious to what I didn’t mean to do until I saw the reaction. Initially, I had every intention of chalking it up to a misunderstanding and taking accountability for the fact that my past (mis)behavior is the only reason the assumption was assumed. But after weighing the given response…I had to wave my fingers. Because miscommunication is one thing…but the disrespect that was shown hurt my feelings. Don’t I respond the same way when I’m in my feelings…to this day? No…comment.”

“This inherent ability to read energy gave me my advantage on escaping a lot of death traps. My ‘family’s’ inability to sacrifice me is honestly because I learned how to calculate these thoughts. And that mental math is what helps me sense similar energies in other ‘families’. I can’t say every death I hear about is a sacrifice though. But you can usually tell if it is…by the way the deceased was treated by the same one’s crying wolf after they pass. This world is full of souls who’d rather have a quick come up off the untimely demise of another because doing it the other way takes too long. Which means being real wrong about the energy you read…could cost you everything.”

“This was one of the best birthdays I’ve had in life. Not because I got a bunch of gifts that I don’t need but because it’s the first time I’ve ever felt genuine peace. But didn’t I send multiple texts antagonizing the group chat? Nop…I was annoyed! Everyone’s decided that they’re done warring with me and now they’re being nice again. My BM even had the audacity to call and wish me a HBD…even though she had me blocked the day before. So I politely let them know that the only reason I’ve been cordial was because I knew I’d be excluded from another invite list if I wasn’t. And I told my BM to keep the same energy. Because she had no issue remaining silent while her other ‘mistakes’ tried to induce my psychosis. So it’s no need to speak up now.

“My birthday always makes me crave nostalgia so I watched Cloud Atlas today. This was a movie that introduced me to the theory of past lives and it reminds me that I’m a part of a very protected network of souls. It took me a few watches to realize that all the characters…play different characters. But even with all their timeline jumps…everyones character stays the same. Because the essence of our character is dictated by our soul. My favorite lines are ”Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others…past and present. And by each crime…and every kindness…we birth our future.” I used to compare these lines to codependence…but spiritually speaking…they’re meant to encourage us to help each other heal.”

“When my spiritual journey first started…I legitimately thought God was one of the opps. Then I realized He doesn’t wave a magic wand and magically cure us of our unhealed trauma. He puts us in situations that recreate the pain we supress…and gives us the free will to either address it…or bury it even further into our subconscious. If we choose the latter…the next time He sends us the same opportunity to heal…it’ll tear us open even more than before because He has to go deeper to access that hurt. My hiDdEn pain was my sense of inferiority. Which is why I always attracted people who couldn’t see my worth. Because in order for me to heal…they had to show me how broken I still was.”

“Poetry had my attention for a while and Maya Angelou was one of the poets I fell in love with. I started researching her and found a story about her traveling abroad. She was offered a drink by the person who was hosting her and in that culture raisins were added. Dr. Angelou came from our culture so she assumed the raisins were…something else. But her refusal to disrespect the host made her drink it and she spoke about how sick she got afterwards. Days later, she found out what was really in her cup…and realized how powerful her mind was. Which is why a majority of my thoughts keep my cheeks raised now. Because the wrong ones can literally make me mentally ill. And that can manifest into physical illness if it goes unchecked for too long.”

“Love Jones is my favorite…because it had both. I found a double disc DVD, with A Thin Line Between Love & Hate on side B, a while ago at Goodwill. For whatever reason…I felt like watching side A again today and it made me reminisce about the kind of love that happens organically. Darius would’ve caught a couple charges if he popped up on Nina like that in real life but…doing what he did to get the number…was him playing his role. The way their story played out felt familiar because I’ve messed up a connection behind an energy that should’ve been left in the past before too. But it was necessary because that book had to be read…so I could spend time finding my worth…before starting a new one.”

“God assigned me to my ‘family’ at birth and I’m just coming around to accepting that I was either supposed to be their sacrifice…or their savior. And I say that as unhumbly as possible. Draining my energy every moon cycle is how they tried to reach their goal. So now I have to be serious about my boundaries and keep them at bay…to save myself from the temptation of letting them slip too far into my psyche. Because I’m scared…asf…of repeating past mistakes. This past cycle I almost fell for the same trigger that keeps getting me caught up because they still bait me with the love I have for their kids. But I put myself first because coming last, in most situations, means I sacrifice my own sanity.”

“Not everyone is qualified to watch over children. Fortunately, the amount of patience and attention that’s required…reveals the ones who aren’t built for that kind of sacrifice. The last few years have had me feeling like the bad a$$ kid that required more attention than most because…I couldn’t stop throwing tantrums. I wanted to have my way…whenever I wanted…and it took God taking me under His care to get my inner child to learn a different approach. He took His time revealing my obsession with childishness to me. And when I finally opened my third eye…I saw that if I would’ve gone the way I thought I wanted to go…I would’ve missed the real blessing that came from going in the direction of growth.”

“A while back I used to watch this show called The Biggest Loser. I like seeing people transform organically and by the end of the seasons…none of the contestants looked like their day 1’s. The biggest contributor to their success was their diet and today I started weighing that against my Dark Night of the Soul experience. For years it’s felt like God has been portioning out my psychosis and as soon as I think I’ve healed one part of my personality…He introduces me to another. Now, I realize it’s because He needs to see how I handle what He adds to my plate. Because learning how to control the portions He gives me…dictates what version of me I transform into.”

“But I’m finally starting to accept that most of these bad things happen because I’m visualizing it with my mind…which is attracting it to me through my energy. Today was filled with a lot of opportunities to feed into my fear but…ion like how it makes me feel anymore. So I asked God to help me navigate through it and He told me to imagine He’s listening in to all my thoughts. After password protecting my longest running fantasy…I followed His guidance…and felt my whole body switch languages. I don’t know why submitting to this kind of supervision has such an effect on me but by the time I finished meditating on the protection I felt…all my energy was changed from fear to femininity.”

“Blacklash is hypocriting through our community right now over the obsession some have with appealing to Eurocentric beauty standards. I get it this time because one of our gerber goats just contoured her face and…my heart is still hurt behind it. But even with that being said…I don’t knock anyone for tweaking features that bring them shame because how we look impacts how we feel. I don’t condone it but I can’t condemn it. I do judge where that shame comes from when certain facial features are on the chopping block though. Because the root of that type of self-hatred was passed down by the delusionally goofy generation that failed to overcome their own beauty brainwashing. And instead of healing…they chose to rinse and repeat the cycle of insecurity…with clean souls.”

“So before now, whenever my little sister would go on power trips…I’d purposely passenger princess. It took me a minute to hop out and put my niece’s feelings first…even though I knew going back and forth with her mom would get me blocked. I’m here now though. And after refusing to rage respond to the last trigger, I text her earlier to ask if I could get my niece. She immediately responded by liking my text, which means all I ever had to do was delay my gratification. Letting her have it used to irritate my whole soul because I needed her to know…I knew what she was doing. Now I just let her think she got me…until she realizes the only person capable of playing me…is me. Because I’m finally holding the controller to my emotions.”

“I love movies based on true stories because I like living in reality…even when I’m trying to escape it. My forever favorite is Winchester…because it shows what supernatural experiences actually look like. After seeing it…I’ve been convinced that my mind is an analogy for the house. Because it’s filled with psyche rooms that have housed different energies…that were exorcised through my shadow work. The people I attract dictate what type of room my mind needs to create…and the experiences they bring with them are meant to guide us through parts of our past that we both need to heal. I’m currently constructing a ‘hall of mirrors’ room…because a soul that I don’t want to stop staring at…finally found me.”

“Which is why their tradition ending trigger was done. They’re desperate for a reason to color me as the crazy bipolar because they don’t want me at my niece’s party…for everyone to see me looking like myself again. ……….It’s taking them more effort to get a rise out of me and the harder they try..the more evidence they leave behind of their attempts. I would say this is a win for me but judging off the indifference of everyone I’ve shown my proof to…it’s nothing to get excited over. Because proving that I’m not bipolar…just shows people that I’m able to control myself like any other person. And doing what’s expected of a normal adult…isn’t a big deal.”

“Earlier…my little sister sent me 3 pictures of my niece from an old school photo shoot…with no context. Which means they finally realized I’m committed to not engaging in behavior that’ll have me committed. All their gaslighting has me confused about what day it is, so I didn’t even have the energy to reply. Especially since she never responded to my text from last week, asking if she’s going to punish her child over “hurt feewings”…like our BM used to do. I’ve had a summer tradition of putting my niece in an activity for the past 5 years. Dance was this year’s plan and I told my sister today was supposed to be her first day. She couldn’t find time to respond to that…but managed to rAnDOmLy send a thirst trap. Bad b!tch behavior.”

“So when my little sister claimed I’m the reason for her misery…I went within after airing her out. And what I realized, again, is…people who want to have their way with you…prefer peace while they do it. Being reminded that their behavior is toxic feels like disrespect because they need to believe that they’re not doing anything wrong. I can see how dealing with a person like me, who helps…while making it unbearably uncomfortable for you to take advantage of my help, can induce misery. But it also brings the tattoo tears out of the hELpLeSs…as a warning of what they’re capable of…if you refuse to be gaslit. If that warning isn’t heeded…they’ll use whatever is in their power…to sacrifice your sanity…so they can earn another drop.”

“The bLOcK is still in place but I haven’t given in to my desire to slow roast my BM…even though my left eye keeps twitching. Right now, I want to go back to my old ways of holding her solely responsible for the behavior of her misguided kids because…she’s the one that gave out the wrong directions. But keeping my composure is what I’m doing instead because if I spazz…I’ll prove her right, again, about my lack of self-control. Buuuut negah! The urge to disrespectfully chat about this situation being another example for why I say she passed down her trap mentality to my little sister, is strong asf. Because when a thirsty person traps someone…whatever/whoever they use as the trap is what’s later used as the bait to get what they want.”