“This man ended up telling me that if I really wanted to help him…I could be his friend. I won’t lie…I thought he was bat sh*t crazy. But only because back then…I didn’t value things that were actually important. He saw the world from a lens that went below the surface and above my level of emotional maturity. And as embarrassing as it is for me to admit…I didn’t befriend him. I kept it at hi and bye and went on with my life because I wanted to give the kind of help that required me to do as little as possible...money. Looking back, that was God’s way of revealing my soul…”

“I always start out so strong when setting my logical familial boundaries but as soon as the reality of my isolation sets in…my reasoning for enforcing it usually starts to weaken. I don’t have any intention of unblocking my little sister though because…“it’s above me now”. She put everything into trying to trigger a manic reaction out of me and every time I think about how bad that situation could’ve gone if I didn’t stay in control of my emotions…my anger makes me angry. Why? Because these garden tools obviously want me stuck in misery.”

“Admitting that I needed to take the lead on solving my problems was a foreign concept because I refused to openly acknowledge I had any. The private tears I shed allowed me to acknowledge these truths to myself. But keeping them locked behind closed doors made it feel impossible for me to reach out for help because…everyone had already bought into the smiles that I staged every time I got close to breaking down. I’m sure a lot of people could see through my filters but…we’ve always lived in a world where everyone sees something…and says nothing.”

“All this time I’d been handling her with the same kid gloves my bloods handled me with and even though I knew the rotten fruit it produced in me…I kept overwatering a plant that was fully capable of thriving off of minimal maintenance. The guilt I still had from all the help given to me is why I compensated so heavily but…it started to feel like I was emotionally abusing her after I saw how much my help hindered her progress. Because that help reinforced the fallacy of her incompetence…which was the same thing as me imprinting the idea of worthlessness onto her psyche.”

“If I could take any piece of my transmuted trauma and turn it into a lesson…that lesson would be: crash tf out…immediately. Do it responsibly of course, but get that part out the way early on. It’ll show you who is worth fighting for while showing you who’s fighting against you at the same time. I learned the hard way that driving in your lane only works when the cars around you aren’t trying to get you to drive off the road God paved for you. So crash that m’er f’er and afterwards…go into hiding to make the repairs yourself.“

“So…I sent the text that marks the end of this chapter in my life. …..I didn’t think I’d see the day where I literally lost all my will to fight them but as it stands right now…choosing not to fight is the only way for me to win. It’s infuriating to look back at all the years I wasted trying to get them to see what they were purposely turning a blind eye to. The only upside of my refusal to give up is the fact that I was able to find acceptance in myself through their relentless rejection.”

“With the full moon/eclipse coming up…I expected an astronomical trigger because history shows this is when my ‘family’ puts their best broom forward. So I’m not surprised that I’m currently out of touch with my niece because when they do ritualistic triggers like these…they usually create an environment where I’m in complete isolation…….The only surprise I have the privilege of experiencing is the fact that this time…I instinctively choose to isolate myself. This seems to have thrown off the effectiveness of the ritual because now that they don’t have me stressed out in a state of worry…I’m able to maintain a heightened vibration.“

“I’ve encountered the kind of ‘be jealous of me pretty pretty please’ energy a lot throughout my life…….Women silently compete with each other by using whatever advantage we feel we have, to compensate for feelings of inferiority. It’s usually done when in the presence of another woman who has something that we perceive we don’t. And men exploit the insecurities of these same women to gain favor in the eyes of other men. It’s weird and just shows how desperate we are to have our peers envy what we pretend to have…i.e self-love.”

“Typically she’ll go out of her way to incite my rage and I give her what she’s asking for. The back and forth will go on for a while and by the end of it…my ego will be stroked…but my energy will be drained. Which means I lost…twice. But lately…I haven’t needed these strokes to get me any empty wins because all the work I’ve been sowing is finally reaping rewards. So when she text me earlier today insinuating that she was going to manipulate my niece into believing I am who I’m not…I replied with a simple “Ok”…because I no longer feel the need to prove myself.”

“I waited a week before finally sending the text because whenever I enforce a boundary that requires them to take ownership of their behavior…the intentional triggers increase. Thankfully, God has been teaching me to spend more time silently observing behavior than I do speaking on it…so my patience is patient. And even though the name calling was unnecessary, the bullet points taken during my silent observation backs my word choice…from every angle.”

“When it benefited me to use those emotions to my advantage I did but this time I let myself get complacent in my sadness. Which went against the self-love I’ve been telling myself I deserve all this time. I fully understand that there are times when rest is needed…but I took advantage of my break and instead of me switching back on sooner…I offered myself empty words meant to pacify my emotions into thinking that my inaction was okay. It wasn’t.”

“Which had me feeling like all the tears I let fall this morning were performative because…I created my own fate. I’m his big sister and instead of going out of my way to build him up…I tore his self-esteem down every chance I got. His refusal to back me makes sense because even though I’ve given out my apologies…nothing will ever give him back the part of his childhood that I ruined with my need to make him pay for being born. I participated in his trauma and I can now accept him not wanting to take part in helping me heal mine.”

“The physical work I need to do doesn’t compare to the emotional work that’s needed right now though. Which is probably why I feel so drained because maintaining my mental health is a never ending task. There isn’t a day that I can take a break because my thoughts never shut off. And if I don’t manage them they run amok. …..I’ve given myself all the standard pep talks about how ‘God always gives the toughest assignments to His strongest’ and that ‘weeping only endures for a night’…and blah blah blah blah blah. But the truth is that this life is long and if I don’t keep my emotions in check it’ll feel like it’s even longer.“

“I used to be emboldened when sacrificial rituals were so obviously carried out in plain sight for everyone to see because it gave a sense of validity to the claims I’ve been making about my own ‘family’s’ attempts to sacrifice me. But seeing truth is the most inconvenient thing you could ask a person to do…if they’re comfortable looking through the lenses of a lie. So all I can add to the conversation of conspiracies right now…are my condolences.”

“Being the bigger person feels like all the fun has been sucked out of the room and this feeling alone is almost making me want to exit out of my calmness by entering into a 3 day text rant like I used to do. If for no other reason than to feel something. And that’s when it dawned on me that I’ve only ever had 2 options. Either go through these triggers collected…or crazy. The first option pays off in the long run but feels like torture in real time and the second gives me immediate gratification but will work against me in the future. So as ineffective as my restraint feels right now…I know it’ll ultimately be the reason that my sanity is sustained.”

“Especially since the details don’t change the fact that this was the same kind of ritual that I’ve detailed on here d*mn near every moon cycle for the last year. I hadn’t even realized that the new moon was today because I stopped keeping track a couple months ago. The knowing I have that all their trigger attempts take place around new/full moons started giving me anxiety. So I wanted a workaround to anticipating the worst because I was starting to have premature panic attacks. But this attempt shows that it doesn’t matter if I’m aware or not…the energetic attacks will still be sent.”

“And all I could think when I got in the car was that this was another set up. They haven’t been able to get me to go crazy in a while and I know everyone is wondering why I haven’t been back to the group chat since last year…especially since their triggers haven’t stopped. All the old tricks haven’t been working so they tried to recreate a fear that they know makes me spiral to the point of extreme paranoia, in order to finally get me to come off of my peace but…I can’t. The hardest thing for me to do has been accepting the fact that they really are trying to keep me in a ‘manic’ state and even after today I still don’t want to believe it.”

“What I do remember about our childhood pet is how he’d always run away…but find his way home when it got dark every single time. I don’t know if it was the innate loyalty that brought him back…or the fact that he knew he had a warm home he could always come back to whenever he decided to stop roaming the streets….In many ways I grew up to be just like him. Because domestication is what I was bred for but if a real bond hasn’t been established…I run off with my anxiety every chance I get. Just to turn around and return like I never left.”

“In the past, feeling like I let someone down was one of my biggest triggers. So if I conditioned someone to feel like I’d always be there for them no matter what…being guided to stop making them feel like a priority gave me anxiety. But recently…I’m not being given the option of ignoring the sUGgeStioNs of my Guides. Because now when I hesitate…the energetic a** tap is hard enough for me to feel it in my physical reality. Which means whatever they say goes from now on. The adjustment to blindly following their directive is easier than I thought it would be though…because being submissive to real power always is.”