“Learning when to let go is one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever been given. Because letting go too soon leaves you with unanswered what ifs and letting go too late leaves you with retaliation reflexes. I’ve done both and the only truism is…when trust is breached AFTER commitment is established…it’s never too early and it’s always too late. Staying with someone you can’t trust feels like a slow death because everything is a trigger. But leaving someone you love feels like su!c!de because you’re detaching yourself from your soul..mate. And having to sit with the knowing that I’m the reason someone has to make either one of these decisions feels like earned torture…because either way it goes…I’m at the heart of that loss…with no way of running back the clock.”

“Watching Mrs. Petty give the people what they asked for…while shining a light on a 'familial' situation similar to mine…has me missing the old me. Iykyk. Especially since my ‘family’ is still trying to trigger a manic reaction from me and almost got one yesterday. But now that it’s beyond obvious that this is what they want…I’m dangling carrots in front of these hoes. Because narcissistic supply is a real thing. Which is why narcs act out of desperation when they lose their target because that’s where they get their confidence. Their supply is used as a substitute for real self-esteem and in the absence of that energy…their karmic cloak is removed.”

“I know the impact my words have…but it took me a while to figure out how to use my vocabulary. Especially when I’m in my feelings. After years of trial and error…I finally figured out the trick. If I can use the toxicity of my words, when I speak from anger, in a way that can double as guidance…I can say them. So lately…I’ve been learning how to phonetically play with prey that I plan on eating later…for educational purposes. This was harder for me to do back when my diAGnoSis allowed me to lead with my emotions. But the more I connect with the power I possess…the more I accept that it was never contingent on a diagnosis. God designed it to be used at the discretion of my free will…so He could judge me accordingly.”

“It’s the way all the plans changed after I stopped pretending not to see what I see. This morning my sister text me to ask if she could drop my niece off and right after the drop off…she blocked me. I’ve gotten so used to these energetic syphoning sessions that I stayed calm and politely let the chat know all screenshots were going on FB. I hadn’t posted since January so they didn’t expect me to take that route and as soon as I did…the block was removed. I paused my petty so me and my niece could run through two amusement parks, and I almost forgot to go back to the chat to troll. By the time I remembered…I was too tired to crash out.”

“I realize this is a child but we don’t get new souls when we’re born. And the one she seems to have is…questionable. An incident took place at my niece’s birthday party that validated my intuition…and I thought that was going to be the end of her going around this family unsupervised. But because my ‘family’ consists of a bunch of b!tches with broomsticks…my niece looks like their next target. I know my energy is what they really want because history shows that they purposely present me with irrational situations…and count down the seconds until I explode. So instead of wasting time in the chat, telling them what they already know…I’m uploading it for a bunch of strangers to see…to encourage you to keep a closer eye on the kids in your own family.”

“I’m a Gemini…which means I’m an air sign…which means my gifts are attached to what you can feel…instead of what you can see. So I’m always deconstructing the way I think because…it can go over the head of some people if I don’t. Especially if you’re the type that focuses more on superficiality because people with that focal point only desire to see things at face value. What’s underneath their mask is hard to look at so they take pride in presenting images that are real…fake. Because in order to sell yourself as picture perfect, most have to turn into sharecroppers who discard their ugly parts…just so they can share the sides of themselves that’ve been heavily modified. Tragic.”

“The issue with that is…when I feel what I feel…I usually say too much. And saying all the things before I’ve had a chance to allow logic to proofread my thoughts…always ends with me asking God for forgiveness. After so many times of repeating the same miSTaKe…God makes me feel the weight of my reckless response so that I know He’s done playing with me. When this happens, He makes sure I see the part I played in the situation and when I do…He allows me to choose whether or not to take it further than I already have. If I do…He rewards me with tough love. If I don’t…He rewards me with peace.”

“But up until a few months ago, the feeder was for decorative purposes only. One day, after communication was cut with my niece again, I got the urge to take care of something…that I didn’t birth. So I cleaned it out and put bird food in it. After a few weeks I started noticing that I’d hear more chirping when the seeds were running out so I put myself on a feeder schedule…to make sure I give them what I’ve convinced myself they now expect. It wasn’t until I started prioritizing their food on my grocery list that I realized…I have a problem. Because I’m still finding new ways…to make it my responsibility…to take care of what God has already made provisions for. And…that urge is coming back.”

“It’s the way I came to the internet to escape my real life but just ended up finding more of the same. Because atp…it’s giving crashing out over internet kewchie. I like taking my mind off the chaos that is my actual life so over the years, I’ve been in dozens of comment sections. I’m a natural flirt but never did I think there would be anyone who would become as fixated on my energy as a couple people have. This…is…the…internet…but after seeing how butt hurt some former faves have gotten at the sight of me turning my attention away from them…all I can say is…baby please go touch some grass.”

“I added a new ritual to my self-care routine. My new thing is staring at my reflection in the mirror until I stop weighing the beauty standards of the world…against the image staring back at me. Once I reach that point…I tell myself how beautiful I am. Today was different though because one of the voices in my head told me to close my eyes so I could feel my beauty. My meditative mode started digging deep into my darkness…until it was rudely interrupted. Intrusive thoughts came through about the force field of dog hoe energy that’s followed me my whole life…for the ‘soul’ purpose of sacrificing my confidence. But after I started feeling myself again…I realized it’s because my energy has always been that b!tch. With all due arrogance.”

“I love looking in my mirror…until I see a blemish. Last week, a pimple the size of Shrek showed up on my forehead and had me in every inch of my feelings. I almost popped it but the rebound scarring wouldn’t have been worth the instant gratification. So I had to be patient with the healing process. The only time those things play in my face is when too much stress is present…so I had to own the fact that I’d been thinking thoughts that compromised my connection to my peace. Acknowledging that didn’t make it go away any faster though. But it reminded me to be careful what I give my attention to…in order to avoid walking around looking pimped out in the future.”

“I like using my words to bring out the best in the people around me. Which is why I take my sarcasm so seriously. It gets the most use when I’m with my niece because wit wars are our thing. The other day we were going back and forth about age, after I told her she’s too young to be in my business. Her reply? She asked what year I was born and I should’ve known it was a set up. Because after I answered…she asked me if dinosaurs were still alive “back then”. After my soul returned…I learned a lesson that God’s been trying to teach me for a while. I can’t handle when certain people do me how I do them. I’m too sensitive but…sometimes it’s what I need. My reply to being cleared? I said “Yes sir.” and tapped out before a tear dropped.”

“Ricky Bobby is a personal hero of mine because…he just gets it. Earlier I kept thinking about the accident that left him pAraLyiZEd. It took a lot to convince him that his paralysis was all in his mind but what eventually came from his recovery…was the realization that his perception of winning was warped. Which is a lesson God has been teaching me for almost a year. “With all due respect”…his ‘dad’ was a Stimple…self-serving…spotlight seeking narc…who implanted the seeds that left him obsessed with outside validation. And as entertaining as his journey back to self was…it’s still a reminder of how hard it is to break the psychological conditioning instilled in us by toxic parenting.”

“It’s no exaggeration when I say God allowed all the goof troops to craft the perfect web of triggers…meant to invoke a humiliation ritual the size of su!c!de for me. But why me?…I see through them. Now, everyone who’s offended by my ability to sniff out their inner sacrificer…is caught tf up. And I’m sitting here in shock by the way people who claim to be so mentally stable…were outsmarted by a mENtaLLy unBaLaNCed biPoLaR person. My ‘family’ seems to be in shambles ever since I told them how good of a book I feel like our group chat screen shots would make. Because now that I finally made it to the other side of their “spiritual psychosis” allegations…they know I’m capable of anything. Their reaction to the bluff they don’t know I’m making, is enough for me though.”

“I hate feeling regret over things I could’ve done differently. Because those thoughts usually make me sit in the energy of resistance and…resistance repels recovery. Which is why I try to find the lesson in my losses as fast as possible. That way I can move around my bruised ego’s desire to redo something that’s already done. I’ve been reckless with my reactions for most of my life and 9.5/10 I end up using the wrong words. And once they’re spoken…they can’t be unsaid. I always mean what I say when I say it but the consequences enforced by some…teaches me whose top I can play on. So being a quick study on who I can give this work to…has saved me a lot of remorse.”

“I feel like it’s time for me to come clean about my addiction…to (mis)matching energy. I usually pretend I’m giving back what I get but if I’m bothered…I always look for ways to overgive. Because that’s the only way I feel like I break even. In the past, I’ve purposely said hurtful things…in order to hit the softest spot of my target because my goal is always to walk away with a win…even when I feel like I lost. And before now, I’ve been able to gaslight my way around my guilt. But it hit me earlier, while I was taking my anger out on my kettlebell. Now, I’m left with a need to hold myself accountable for trying to inflict more hurt than I was feeling. If I don’t, I’ll set myself up to repeat history and…there’s nothing back there that I want.”

“I’ve done some things…to some people…that warrants their PTSD. So I’m not as hard on them as I am on others. Recently, my words unintentionally triggered this PTSD in one of those someones and I was oblivious to what I didn’t mean to do until I saw the reaction. Initially, I had every intention of chalking it up to a misunderstanding and taking accountability for the fact that my past (mis)behavior is the only reason the assumption was assumed. But after weighing the given response…I had to wave my fingers. Because miscommunication is one thing…but the disrespect that was shown hurt my feelings. Don’t I respond the same way when I’m in my feelings…to this day? No…comment.”

“This inherent ability to read energy gave me my advantage on escaping a lot of death traps. My ‘family’s’ inability to sacrifice me is honestly because I learned how to calculate these thoughts. And that mental math is what helps me sense similar energies in other ‘families’. I can’t say every death I hear about is a sacrifice though. But you can usually tell if it is…by the way the deceased was treated by the same one’s crying wolf after they pass. This world is full of souls who’d rather have a quick come up off the untimely demise of another because doing it the other way takes too long. Which means being real wrong about the energy you read…could cost you everything.”

“This was one of the best birthdays I’ve had in life. Not because I got a bunch of gifts that I don’t need but because it’s the first time I’ve ever felt genuine peace. But didn’t I send multiple texts antagonizing the group chat? Nop…I was annoyed! Everyone’s decided that they’re done warring with me and now they’re being nice again. My BM even had the audacity to call and wish me a HBD…even though she had me blocked the day before. So I politely let them know that the only reason I’ve been cordial was because I knew I’d be excluded from another invite list if I wasn’t. And I told my BM to keep the same energy. Because she had no issue remaining silent while her other ‘mistakes’ tried to induce my psychosis. So it’s no need to speak up now.