“Especially since the details don’t change the fact that this was the same kind of ritual that I’ve detailed on here d*mn near every moon cycle for the last year. I hadn’t even realized that the new moon was today because I stopped keeping track a couple months ago. The knowing I have that all their trigger attempts take place around new/full moons started giving me anxiety. So I wanted a workaround to anticipating the worst because I was starting to have premature panic attacks. But this attempt shows that it doesn’t matter if I’m aware or not…the energetic attacks will still be sent.”

“And all I could think when I got in the car was that this was another set up. They haven’t been able to get me to go crazy in a while and I know everyone is wondering why I haven’t been back to the group chat since last year…especially since their triggers haven’t stopped. All the old tricks haven’t been working so they tried to recreate a fear that they know makes me spiral to the point of extreme paranoia, in order to finally get me to come off of my peace but…I can’t. The hardest thing for me to do has been accepting the fact that they really are trying to keep me in a ‘manic’ state and even after today I still don’t want to believe it.”

“What I do remember about our childhood pet is how he’d always run away…but find his way home when it got dark every single time. I don’t know if it was the innate loyalty that brought him back…or the fact that he knew he had a warm home he could always come back to whenever he decided to stop roaming the streets….In many ways I grew up to be just like him. Because domestication is what I was bred for but if a real bond hasn’t been established…I run off with my anxiety every chance I get. Just to turn around and return like I never left.”

“In the past, feeling like I let someone down was one of my biggest triggers. So if I conditioned someone to feel like I’d always be there for them no matter what…being guided to stop making them feel like a priority gave me anxiety. But recently…I’m not being given the option of ignoring the sUGgeStioNs of my Guides. Because now when I hesitate…the energetic a** tap is hard enough for me to feel it in my physical reality. Which means whatever they say goes from now on. The adjustment to blindly following their directive is easier than I thought it would be though…because being submissive to real power always is.”

“Saying and showing how I feel…when I feel…what I feel allows me to purge what was meant to mentally cripple me. Being an avid over-sharer of my emotions is who I naturally am and before I recognized the power behind my authenticity…it was used as a weapon against me. It’s no surprise that those who didn’t want to know the effects their behavior had on my psyche were the only ones in protest of me expressing myself. Their refusal to hear me inadvertently taught me that the only way to achieve a solid sense of self was by contorting my self-expression to fit the expectations of the world around me. And like a dummy…I believed them.”

“I consume an unbelievable amount of cop cam videos because it helps me get through my workday quicker. And the most common question I keep having while watching most of them is…”is this how I look when I’m having my ‘episodes’?”.…..Watching the breaking of mental states in real time always makes me wonder what my behavior could’ve led to if I didn’t start taking my shadow work seriously. Because even though it’s clear that the people being arrested are having psychotic spirals…it’s also clear that the amount of unhealed trauma they’re carrying outweighs any diagnosis they’ve been given.”

“…the only way to protect myself against someone that means me harm…is by figuring out what about me attracted that version of them. What I’ve finally started to accept is the fact that I attract toxicity when I’m engaged in the same kind of behavior. So if I feel victimized by someone…looking in the mirror will give me my why. Going after the person I feel is wronging me has never gotten me what I think I want because at the end of the day…God is supposed to be the one standing in judgement of them. Not me.”

“For the longest time I didn’t even realize how much of a privilege it was to be behind the lines of my love because I never knew how much of an impact on my mental state I was giving the accessor. I didn’t know that when I care about someone…I drop all my guards. I didn’t know that when I’m attached to someone…I do anything to keep them around. And I didn’t know that when I love someone…I give up my comfort in order to make sure they remain comfortable. I alter all my defense mechanisms when my emotions are intertwined with another soul and that’s starting to scare tf out of me.”

“I feel like I’ve spoken about the side chick target attached to my back at some point in this project but I’m spinning the blog because…I just got shot at again. I go out of my way to stay away from topics like these because the new coleslaw culture of women proudly admitting to being okay with their weekend only status, seems to be the new face of our society. And I do my best not to knock what I refuse to try.”

“Coming to a level of self-acceptance that feels like I’m not playing victim…while still being understanding enough not to diminish the raw emotions surrounding my feelings…is not easy. For me it means doing away with my ability to be dismissive of my pain. This feels unnatural since I spent so many years in a ‘family’ that constantly pretended it didn’t exist. Now that I understand my emotions aren’t meant to be validated by others…its become a lot easier to be gentle with myself while I learn what it feels like to validate what I know I’m experiencing. Which feels like the kind of love I’ve been praying for.”

“Verbally violating those who can’t seem to detach from my essence, even though they take every opportunity to remind me how undesirable it is, is the easiest thing I could do at this point. It’s one of my gifts and I always hit my target. But I don’t get the same satisfaction that I used to get from being in that mode. Because the one’s now obsessed with my energy…know I know what I’m talking about when I speak on what I see in them. And the fact that they’re so fixated on hearing me say something that makes them feel like I’m stroking their…ego…makes me want to extend grace to its fragility.”

“It goes without saying that there are a lot of things that could allow me to feel in sync with my chromosomes…but I’ve never found one that makes me feel softer than the feeling I get when I’m being nurturing. There’s literally no comparison….Now that I’m inching closer to my “big 4’s”…it feels like my biological clock has finally started ticking. But I still have no desire whatsoever to become an actual mother. I just want to cosplay one by sharing what I’ve learned with those who want that title.”

“It felt like I was being used as bait to catch the anger of someone else and that made me…angry. I won’t pretend like that wasn’t an included incentive of ‘Petty Le Pew’ because the execution of their sideshow was too obviously antagonistic. And when I first saw the play…I was low key impressed. But after I looked beneath the surface of the situation all I felt was anger because the thought of being used as a pawn hurt my feelings….the way I was able to maneuver around my madness is letting me know that I actually have respect for the individuals involved.”

“The groups we were a part of all knew everybody’s business so I felt the side-eye from the guy who went on to promote his love interest to the position of single motherhood. And I secretly enjoyed the jealousy he was displaying. But it wasn’t until I got older that I realized that these males were never trying to have anything real with me…they were in a pissing contest to see who would be the first to get what no one else at school had…and would ever get again. Because after I felt the sting of doing the eagle spread for someone that didn’t deserve it…I started dating girls until my mid 20’s. ”

“I’ll forever be a fan of giving unsolicited advice because…I’m good at it. I’ve become immune to the pushback I receive and the guilt I used to feel for speaking my quiet thoughts out loud no longer exists. But lately I’ve been wanting to keep my judgments to myself.…because most people wouldn’t give a f*ck about my opinion if I paid them to. Especially if that opinion sheds light on the character they hide behind their persona.”

“I didn’t want to accept that I’m not the one who can brag about healing a generational curse in my ‘family’ because my self-worth was so tangled up in being the hero of that storyline. I used to think my decision to keep trying to be ‘the one’ was because I wanted to help the kids in my family. But after reading some of my old words without my victim vision…I realize I wanted the validation that came with being a healer more than I wanted to heal.”

“Not offering words of affirmation to any given individual will never be a thing for me though. And if I’m attracted to the person I’m speaking to…my affirmations will never not affirm how desirable they are. It’s not something I intentionally do but when I feel connected to someone’s soul…my words are weighted with palpable sensuality. I would lie and pretend that conveying my sentiments in situations like these isn’t slightly orgasmic but…the truth is in me.”

“After that…the possibility of weaponizing entrusted information against the person who trusted me with it…became a possibility during all my arguments with future spouses. So instead of allowing her to teach me how to protect myself…I learned a new technique on how to leave others feeling emotionally unprotected. I became the person who hurt me…in order to make someone else feel how she made me feel because I knew if it worked on me…it would work on someone else.”

“I know I’m the one with the diAGnoSis but from what I’ve been seeing…I’m being claimed by energy that I’ve never met in real life and will probably never meet. I’m being discussed by people who pretend not to know I exist. And I’m receiving an astronomical amount of subliminal shots from people who’ve managed to find a way to be offended by my version of support. How is this possible among groups of people who claim to be mentally sound? These m’uh f’kers lie! ”