“I don’t know if my fixation of bonding with kids, through positive reinforcement, has anything to do with the guilt I feel from my three seed homicide…but I do know that pouring positivity into a child shouldn’t invoke the kind of envy I have seen from their ‘adults’.”

“It’s my birthday bish! Aside from having 1 family member left, no friends, and no ‘my man her man our man’…I’m still settled into my stability. I know the plan of my bitter bloodline was to have me too distraught to bring this new year in with gratitude but…I gratefully entered year ThirtyAte.”

“At this point it’s clear they’re, once again, trying to condition my mind to think that something bad will happen anytime I speak up on behalf of a child that has no voice. But my ‘family’ has a long history of parents putting their kids in traumatizing situations that often never get addressed until that child is an adult. This forces the hand of my vocal cords to string together truths that speak to what I see…irrespective of how they feel about it.”

“Unfortunately for him, and a lot of other men, their seeds require the kind of connection that can’t be bought. We appreciate finances but solid relationships also require a foundation of feelings. If that isn’t given…it makes it that much easier for offspring to disconnect from parental presence when we have the option to choose for ourselves as we get older.”

“My nerves have no edges and their hairline is now as far back as Weezy’s husband. Why I can’t antagonize my family in peace is beyond me…because all I’m actually doing is taking their attempts to antagonize me and turning it back on them.”

I did my best to live in the projects of their projections. Because I desperately wanted to keep these people, who convinced me of their importance, in my life. I believed them when their actions suggested that they knew more about what was best for me than I did. And I believed them when their words suggested that I should learn my place in their lives, by staying fitted in that position…until they gave me more wiggle room. The more I grew emotionally, the smaller that space I was given in their lives appeared to be. And eventually…I had to change positions. This change forced me to tell the truth…unapologetically. I was guided to start with my own truth first. I did this privately. The discomfort of those truths was so overwhelming, that it forced me to publicly drag everyone else’s truth in.

And just like the toxic parenting example set by our BM…this emotional abuse is their only way of depleting my power, to feed the false sense of their own. Why they need to feel a heightened level of power against the family ‘bipolar’, is a question I’m still unable to answer though. But the movie Inception keeps coming to mind. None of their behavior makes sense because either way they spin this…they’re enacting the same abuse I’ve been calling out all these years. Abuse that they all have adamantly declared doesn’t exist…while continuously being caught in the act of its distribution. The fact that they can’t stop proving my point…is wild asf.

I spent a long time complaining about how hard it is to carry what I’m now required to hold, before realizing that God is just trying to remind me of what I’m capable of. And with this realization, God has now started reintroducing ‘opportunities’ for me to use my own hands to clean up my own mess. Because if nature shows us anything…it’s that God’s intention is for His Creations to have full dominion over our existence. When we take our gift of autonomy for granted…He creates situations where we have no other choice but to hold our own. When we see this as the ‘blessing’ it is…we realign with our intended nature.

I won’t lie and say this preventative care isn’t difficult. Because when there are no ‘a mucks’ being run…it makes me forget these people are literally my opposition. It’s like I completely forget all the toxicity force fed to me the day before…if the next day is filled with balanced interactions. Honestly speaking, if I don’t go back and reread some of the chat conversations…I’d be able to allow people that I still love to hold the same position they once had in my life. Which is the only downside of real love. It allows you to experience the lowest of the lows of a person, without demanding that you cut ties. Even if those lows are the continuous source of your pain.

“Insecure people go to extreme lengths to stop a conversation they aren’t ready to have and that usually involves fixating on flaws of the person who had the audacity not to talk to them nice. Flaws that were ignored when their ego wasn’t being bruised but magically become an issue when it is.”

If you were to do a survey on all my past ‘love’ connections, asking my exes whether they thought something was mentally off with me…I’m positive they’d all say they think I’m bat sh*t crazy. If you were to ask them if I emotionally abused them, the answer would be yes. If you were to ask if I emasculated them, they would probably suggest this word is an understatement. And if you were to tell them I was diagnosed as ‘bipolar’….my behavior in those relationships would probably make a lot more sense to them. But, I never told anyone from my past that I had this ‘diagnosis’ because I never bought into the concept of my illness.

In regards to this last trigger…I felt all the discomfort associated with my fears of being the cause of my niece missing her first day of class…before that fear actually materialized. That’s when I realized that these ‘women’ have no interest in making good on their threats. Their intention is just to get my energy to feel as if the threat will happen, because whatever I put effort into feeling…is what I will attract in my reality…eventually. (Law of Attraction) I unknowingly blocked their trigger attempt, by following a shopping instinct that allowed me to feel as if everything was going to work out. Which led to my reality reflecting back to me…everything working out.

I keep saying that these familial triggers happen the most around new and full moons. The new moon is this Thursday (6/6). I still have no clue what the significance of these time frames are. But tampering with someone’s energy, the way they do, suggests spell work…to the spiritually inclined. After seeing my text wasn’t delivered to my niece’s tablet, I went back to my twin and detailed my perception of the situation. She immediately started up her ‘gas guzzler’. I did my best not to hitch hike but…I caught that ride.

We would never see an African American being accepted in a Jamaican space of music…rapping in Patois. We would never see an African American being accepted in a Latin space…rapping in Spanish. And we would never see an African American going into an Indian space…rapping in Hindi. Why? Because outsiders aren’t a part of their culture…and everyone would point that out. But for whatever reason…outsiders become more successful when cosplaying our culture. That’s hella weird to me.

In my experience with being the giver, I realize that once I started using my tongue to return the self-doubt given to me…back to my abusers…their power disappeared. Not because my words left them powerless…but because they never had any power to begin with. Because people who emotionally prey on others are cowards…who convince those they prey on, that they’re more than what they are. So when I started ‘popping my sh*t’ and meeting emotional abuse with emotional abuse…the worth my abuser had seen in me from the beginning, started to reappear…in a way that finally made it visible to me.

At this point, reiterating their toxic tactics is becoming redundant. But I have the sneaky suspicion that there are more eyes on me right now. So…I’m repeating the fact that I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I SPEAK ON SOMEONE. My mind just automatically computes toxic behavioral patterns, even when I try not to see what I see. Those who have a hard time accepting that I’m able to pull their card, when no one else in their life has been able to do so, are the only ones who holler about my mental instability. Because this is what gaslighters do.

There’s an illusion of authentic self-expression in this world, and that drives me crazy. I’ve told my ‘family’ on a few different occasions that I’m putting our real reality on the internet. And I’m never met with encouragement for showing what’s actually behind our veil. That encouragement will never come, because everyone has been taught to be who they truly are behind closed doors…and who they aspire to be in public. Which makes sense why so many people are ‘fake’…because this is considered mentally stable behavior.

This text would’ve never been received if I hadn’t kept my composure in the group chat. Because in order for their gaslighting triggers to work…they need me to go ‘manic’. So that they have their ‘plausible deniability’ factor, that allows them to use the kids as pawns. And they also need to use my erratic behavior, as a distraction from their initial trigger…that led to my subsequent irrational behavior. This is the same loop they’ve caught me up in for years. And I’ve still fallen for it 98% of the time. Today I chose to use the sense God gave me…which prevented them from carrying out the fullness of their trigger.

I’ve wanted a Rottweiler for as long as I can remember. And my desire to buy one is growing stronger by the day. The first issue with this purchase is…it’s selfish to force a dog to make up for my inability to couple. Which means I’d have to get two, in order to make sure their emotional needs are also being met. Is this looney tune logic? Kindly back out of my business please. The second issue is…I live in a shoebox. Forcing two giants to live in a ‘tiny home’ is animal abuse. So I’m honestly considering moving in order to make this happen.

The girl who had already hunched, clearly had feelings for the guy. But she couldn’t openly admit that to her ‘friend’, because the guy had discarded her. The potential huncher kept saying she didn’t want to deal with a guy who had hunched on one of her ‘friends’…but still went out of her way to pursue her ‘friends’ leftovers. And neither could drop their emotional guards enough to tell the truth. So the emotionally intelligent section of the audience had to sit and watch in frustration, while they argued about everything but what they were really arguing about.