RagedBird

Silently screaming…

I liked me better when I embraced my karmic consciousness. Because I allowed myself to act on every irrational impulse I had. I’m in the process of breaking free from bird behavior though. So my rage is being regulated by reason. And right now my reason is telling me that I can’t start a riot behind someone’s reaction…to me being reckless with their emotions. I keep trying to find ways to justify retaliating with even more recklessness. But that would just prove that I’m no different than the narcissist I was raised by.

Regulating rage…without self-awareness, is a waste of energy. I was unwilling to see how I contributed to the chaos in my life for a long time. Which forced me to shift blame, in order to avoid holding myself accountable for behavior I didn’t want to be associated with. Because it felt better to pretend I was better than the people I kept sh!tting on. And when you’re as stubborn as I can be…you leave God no choice but to send in a situation, where the only options are to bend the knee…or be Baker Acted.

Neither appeal to me. But because I knew I had to choose, I chose to humble myself enough to allow the consequences of my actions…to catch up with me. Which is why I’m searching for reasons to unlock this rage right now. Because…it hurts…a fuck!ng lot. And what hurts more than being this hurt…is knowing that I earned what I’m feeling. Being biPoLaR conditioned me to hold other people responsible for how I choose to move. So standing in the understanding that I can’t dictate how someone chooses to counter my carelessness…is uncomfortably confusing. Which lets me know that I’ve been the problem…that everybody pacified…because my response to being held accountable…always gave psychosis.

Love,

Choosy