GoliEth

Use what you have…to shadow box with me…

I’ve been the go to receiver of a lot of mistruths. The majority have been about who others want me to believe I’m not. And for a long time…I believed everything I was inadvertently told I was. Those lies had growth spurts every year I let them go unchallenged. So by the time I aged out of my youth, they towered over the temperament I possessed…to address them without underdog dysmorphia. The fear of losing my iDenTiTy to course correction, allowed my pride to pretend I was bigger than my programming. Which let my ego convince me that winning this war within myself…wouldn’t require work.

Unfortunately, ignoring shadows don’t make them disappear. And tagging in the toxicity of unhealed trauma just makes them bigger. So learning how to let my light find the right angle, by shifting what I was choosing to focus on, was the only way to defeat my demons. Before then, I was comfortable believing everything I was told about myself…that made me feel inadequate. Until I had a 4 year long manic episode…that taught me how some people will purposely project insignificance onto you…to avoid acknowledging how small your spirit makes them feel. Once that truth was revealed, I used the same weight their words carried…to win the fight they started.

My initial refusal to go against beliefs of worthlessness, came from thoughts that didn’t belong to me. So I started being intentionally introspective, in order to learn who I actually am. Telling myself the truth made me feel like the liar for a while. But there were parts of me that remembered who I was…before someone told me who I wasn’t. Which is what I used to tear through illusions that seemed too big to break down. Once I accepted how much significance these someones gained off of selling me lies, I beheaded the beliefs of basicness…that they got me to buy into about myself. And eventually figured out that all the effort they expended on eroding my worth…was always proof of its existence.

Love,

Choosy