CenterPeace

Balancing out bad belief systems…

I’ve been having urges to undo outdated thought processes lately. Because I still have issues with my inability to stay out the middle of messes I create, with my need to be the focal point of every table I’m seated at. Which is a trait I used to hate about my twin…before I accepted the fact that we’re identical. These realizations have been the hardest part of my healing journey. Since my whole identity has been centered around our lack of alikeness. And this level of acknowledgment, for my actual reality, has my peace of mind *pressed.

Attention has never been something I strive towards having…unless I want it from a particular person. But there’s a certain level of codependence that comes with this attachment style, if it’s a demand instead of an intentional investment. And today I realized any discomfort I’ve ever felt from my high demands, stems from the rooted resentment I still feel from…………...fill in the blan— unhealed childhood trauma, that left me feeling like I had to prove myself…in order to receive something as simple as reciprocity.

This realization irritated my soul…but it was necessary. Because it helped me source a trauma loop that keeps me circling around…being at the center…of my peace. Which forced me to sit in the feeling of feeling unseen…until I was able to find alignment in being my main focus. Since the only way for me to unlearn learned behaviors, that weaponized weaknesses birthed from a lack of attentiveness…is to give myself too much of it…until I find my way back to a balanced nervous system. So I can retrain my brain to attract love that feels more like equal give and take. And less like someone walking away with flowers…that they didn’t put work into planting.

*=Edited

Love,

Choosy