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The fix can hurt worse than the f*ck up…

I feel on a different level. Sometimes my mind feels like a fairy tale. Other times…my thoughts have me housed behind a locked door…hugging myself. I’m finally learning balance. But all those lessons leave my logic…when love enters the chat. So in order for me to feel some sense of control…I create the kind of chaos that brings out the beast in my partner. Just so I can see who they really are…beneath the fantasy that’ll inevitably fade.

Most people never show the parts of themselves that aren’t socially acceptable, until they get mad. And I can’t comfortably coexist with someone…who hasn’t shown me all sides of their psyche. Because being caught off guard…invokes the same type of psychosis…that had my twin begging me to get on “psychotropic medication”. So I need to know what I need to know…before I need to know it. But life is teaching me that my abrasive approach isn’t the answer. Since it typically leads to toxic tetherships…that can only end in wrists crossing in the front…or touching in the back.

Rewriting communication styles…after consistent courtship crash outs…is hard asf. So trauma bonds usually don’t turn into true love stories. Because the trust that’s required to reestablish healthy boundaries…tests temperaments too. So the advice I’d give myself, if I was back in these shoes…would be to lose focus of how things should look. And just accept what’s being shown. That way you give the situation the space it needs to naturally evolve. Instead of driving each other crazy…by enforcing unrealistic expectations, that leaves you feeling like a prisoner in a padded room…instead of a willing participant…in a partnership.

Love,

Choosy