Romanticizing delusion…
One of my biggest fears with intimate relationships…is meeting someone who’s emotionally balanced. I know this seems like a positive for most nOrMaL people but…it terrifies me. Because being with someone who has the ability to self-regulate…takes away my need to feel needed. I figured out a while ago that my attraction to partners who play in my face, stems from my fixation with fixing what I feel is broken. So I stayed in those situations, until they’d mentally break me. Since my childhood conditioned me to believe that love hurts.
Emotional abuse used to be my love language. And all my ex’s spoke it fluently. Shadow work allows me to acknowledge this was the only way to qualify to date me. Because I needed the ability to escape accountability…by being with someone who was capable of being more toxic than me. So the less emotional intelligence they possessed…the more I was attracted to them. Until I realized that men like this don’t know how to let go…when I’d decide I was tired of playing tag. Which gained me a few watchmen, who were always able to pull me right back in…by convincing me that watching me from the bushes, was a display of their dedication. Instead of a sign that I was their narcissistic supply.
I liked believing in the idea of someone loving me so much, that they’d jeopardize their freedom to follow me around. So I’d empathize with their eFfOrT…and we’d bond over the trauma I was intentionally inviting back in. But none of this behavior is found in stable connections. And I’m scared of dating someone who is self-aware...seeing me as the one they need an emotional escape from. Because I’m not as healed as I pretend to be. Which now has me self-sabotaging…every time I attract someone who is the complete opposite of who I’ve grown accustomed to being with. Since I’m still having a hard time making peace…with being at peace.
Love,
Choosy
