GnatTurner
Resisting the urge…to resist…
I’m a recovering Toxicologist. I’ve been addicted to being toxic for awhile but…I want more for me now. So I shadow work to separate myself from this substance abuse. But addiction doesn’t just let go of you once you decide you don’t want to work for it anymore. Because it feeds off the free labor we give it, when we allow ourselves to be slaves of habit…instead of healers of the hidden trauma, that requires such an energetically debilitating distraction. And by the time we decide we’re ready to be free from the hold it has on us…it’s already claimed us as its property.
When I first made the decision to fight for my freedom…I led with aggression. Because the switch up attracted irritants…whose soul purpose was to trigger me right back into my toxicity. I didn’t fully grasp the concept of self-control. So I killed off any threat that stood in between me and my ability to leave the plantation in my psyche. But my misdirected rage always ended in a loss of the life I was fighting for; and a reincarnation right back into a realm, where I was bound by bottom feeder behavior. Until I learned that my placement in a system that I can’t overturn, with irrational rebellion, speaks to a part of my soul that still needs to learn how to accept what I can’t control. Instead of forcing my will…against God’s.
My decision to accept my inability to escape with violence, is teaching me how to use love as a release. Because there will never be a time when I’m not a recovering addict. Which means there will never not be the temptation to revert back to my desire for reckless relief. My generational curses led to my enslavement. IMO, healing them is the field work I inherited from those that came before me…who didn’t heal before my birth. So my toxicity has been a way of coping with circumstances that I was born into. Changing my perception of the environment I feel trapped by, allows me to work through what needs to be healed…in order to prevent those coming behind me…from having to work in the same fields…that bear fruit…for someone else’s benefit.
Love,
Choosy
