"And this pretty much sums up the year I’ve been reliving for 23 years. I get baited into having a manic reaction…and when I give the performance being requested…I’m gaslit into believing I’m the one that’s touched."

"The nurturer in me is trying to massage my inner masochist away by allowing the idea of failing to be an acceptable possibility. Up until now I’ve been dealing with the possibility of failure…by postponing my decision to try. That’s unbelievably unproductive."

"Instead of falling into the same trigger that would have given me the worthless satisfaction of calling my sister out for a behavior that is purposefully being displayed…I got to walk away with the dignity that comes from pulling my own strings."

"Today I pretended I’m happy still being single and unnaturally did the things these kinds of people do naturally…I took myself on a solo Day Date."

"I’ve had a headache for a few hours, I’ve had to stop myself from crying a few times today, and I’m muh fuhk** tied. I know I’m supposed to be finding the good in these situations but I don’t feel like it right now."

"And in that moment…I had to own my delusions of grandeur. I’ve been under the false impression that things will fall apart without my presence...when God knew that my absence is exactly what would help things come together."

"All this time, my motivation to keep this commitment came from the validation I thought I would feel when I saw evidence that people actually want to hear my story. The absence of eyeballs makes me feel like I lied to myself when I said God called me to do this. Because He doesn’t send people on dummy missions."

"The only thing I want more than my niece feeling comfortable enough to come to me for help…is for her not to need the kind of help she is unknowingly coming to me for. And that won’t happen if I keep playing along with this helpless hyena role my little sister is acting out."

"I had not one desire to outwit my twin today so I just let her have it. And she lost her damn mind. This girl could barely handle my refusal not to engage with her, but verbalizing my decision not to read any of the 7-10 texts that she sent…sent her."

"I can’t stress enough how much I hate having a lot of attention on me. It feels like all the voices in my head start frantically screaming in different languages at the same time and my main voice is trying to whisper over those voices…telling me to calm down."

“CAUTION: If discussions about spiritual practices induce ‘judgement jitters’ in you…please ask yourself if eating flesh and drinking blood sounds like some kind of ritual. Then ask yourself if your faith requires you to engage in behavior that imitates these acts. Then…leave your judgement, for what I’m about to type, outside…and take your shoes off too.”

“Every now and then I send an ‘a** clown’ text to my older brother and the mother of his children…just to take the edge off. I don’t think my words will get me any closer to reuniting with the ones I was intentionally disconnected from…but after 3 years…I don’t care to be the mature one.”

“I won’t start at the beginning of today’s story because I reacted more irrationally than I’m comfortable sharing so I’ll start in the middle of yesterday’s yesterday.”

“There are all kinds of denominations that believe in Prophets and Prophetess’ but unless you have paid money for a certificate that deems you worthy of dealing in all things unseen…you’re cast away on an island where they hope you’ll start befriending inanimate objects so they can validate the claims of your mental instability.“

“I’ve always gotten signs from God and my intuition is usually what helps me determine what they mean. Most times I’m right but I’ve misinterpreted what is being shown to me a few times. I started telling my twin about things I thought I was being shown when we were in our 20s. She used to get so annoyed by my words that I decided to stop having these conversations with her.”

“I fully accept that I’m a menace to my family. It’s not something I take pride in and the reasoning for my behavior still hasn’t changed. I’m the reactor…not the initiator. And today I was taken through another initiation. Ngl…my reactions still give unwavering support to the claims against my mental health…”hugely”.”

“WARNING: ‘MANIC EPISODE’ BELOW…giving it this label to avoid acknowledging the fact that I failed to control myself.”

“I won’t lie and pretend this post isn’t the result of the guilt I feel for calling my ‘mother’ a hoe in the last few messages I sent to the group chat though. I do have a conscience. But the ripple effect from her brand of parenting is once again disturbing my Zen in real time.”

“Something deep inside me knows that all my fear is a result of how I’m choosing to view this situation, and right now I don’t feel like holding a perspective that gives me more reasons to be fearful. Especially not in a situation that seems to be set up for the sole purpose of feeding on my fear.”

“As soon as my little sister text me telling me my womb donor had backed out of taking my niece to this function…I asked myself when the new moon is this month. It’s this Sunday…4/4/24…surprise surprise.”