WasteTrainer

Shaping up…

The Columbus clones still haven’t responded to the email. And I can’t even remember the last time I talked to my niece. Which tells me that the placement of pressure on my psyche…is still being intentionally laid out…as encouragement for me to lose my grip on reality. Earlier I contemplated earning the diAgNOsiS they’re so invested in unveiling…again. But felt guided to accept that their behavior should be used as the tool…that helps me contour my consciousness. Because their passiveness is so aggressively obvious…that it’s impossible not to see the intent behind it. So my only option is to cinch my perspective…in a way that shapes the emotional aesthetic I desire. Atp, the only way this will be accomplished…is by shapeshifting out of this f#ck sh*t.

I keep coming to…and then leaving…the understanding that I manifested this battle with these familiar strangers. This world gives the illusion that my threats come from the outside. But I feel like they’re just projections from my subconscious…that I refuse to claim ownership of. So my truth is: all of these weirdos represent a sh*tty part of my personality…that I keep deflecting away from. One day I accept its personification for what it is…the next day I pretend I’ve never embodied energy like that. Because when I watch how my minions behave…I don’t want to accept that I’m cut from the same cloth…that’s been dysfunctionally draped around someone else’s sanity. The stress that comes from how I’ve made another soul feel bothers me. Which made it easier to dissociate from my proximity to being the source.

After 20+ years of this sh*t show…I want to find the exit. My mind was hooked on the belief that fighting against this toxicity would give me the outcome I wanted. Unfortunately, it’s still looking like acceptance is the only way to distance myself from the restrictiveness I feel…as a result of my continued participation in this circus. So I’m allowing that to hold me accountable for the heartache I’ve intentionally caused people…who I didn’t feel were worthy of my respect…based on assumptions I made about them. And this disciplines my mind in a way that doesn’t allow me the option of feeling so sorry for myself. My inability to maneuver out of this mental matrix is necessary for the lessons to be given. Because if it wasn’t set up this way…I would’ve escaped having to face the consequences of my actions a while ago.

Love,

Choosy